More of Fartsmeller's trips to the bathroom. (715 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.62 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FartSmeller (View user info) at 2007-03-26 09:04:45 EDT
First of all, let me just say this: I take my pants off when I crap at work so they won't get wrinkled. Yes, I take my pants off, fold and drape them over the sink and I sit with no pants on and read Popular Science while my coworkers labor just outside the bathroom door.
As far as toilet experiences go, my day at work today has been a mixed bag. My poo this A.M. was great. Not too much noise, no burning (even though I ate nearly a full pound of spicy Italian sausage and brocolli last night) and I found an article in the June 2006 Official Xbox Magazine that I'd somehow never read. Happy!
But let me tell you, friends, my trip in to drain the old hangdown about a half hour ago didn't go quite so well. Well let me be specific: the peeing was fine. No errant streams of urine, no splashing on my wrinkle-free trousers. The smell of the restroom, however, was enough to gag a proverbial maggot.
I'm not going to mince words; it smelled like a big disgusting yak pussy in the bathroom. Or maybe a capibara pussy. Seriously. I asked my coworker if maybe someone hadn't killed a hooker and wiped down the walls and cabinetry with her vagina? He didn't know if that was the case or not. Perhaps there is a pile of spent vaginas in the sewer and the smell is backing up through the pipes?
I have no idea. But what I do know is that I was simultaneously peeing and wretching. It's funny, though, how you can't pee and wretch at the same time. It's like when you sneeze while pooping. One has to shut off temporarily while the other is happening. Maybe so you don't blow an o-ring or a fat gasket or what have you.
We have great water pressure at work. I actually avoid shitting at home, and not just because our toilets are too small. I like knowing that if I birth a good old truck stop turd that I won't have to use the toilet brush to hold part of it against the bowl while I flush half of it at a time. I'm not going to sully my rectum's good name by shitting into a toilet that won't at least put down a sleeve of tennis balls.
But, like I said, my toilet at home is too small. Both of our toilets are, actually. They're very nice, high quality deals, but the gay guys that owned the house before us must have had tiny little asses (go figure). I say that because the thrones are so small that when I'm sitting down to shit, my dong hangs over the front of the toilet. They can't be more than a foot long, front to back. It's like shitting into a five gallon bucket.
Which we've all done.
User Reviews
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't use my toilet at home either for that exact reason. Bravo.
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Why? Because his dong hangs over the front of your toilet too?
Impressive.
(This made me laugh very loud. Loud enough to echo down the hall.)
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-03-27 01:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how this is under the "Romance" catagory...
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-03-27 01:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The bathroom at my work always smells like that. always...
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-26 20:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-26 20:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-26 18:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-26 18:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good times...
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-26 16:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-26 15:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fading fast"???
Where'd you come up with that one, Barney?
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You love it. Besides, I meant your porn career, not your reign of terror here on ubersite. Beaver Brigade 3 was your last good showing and you know it.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-26 16:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate that smell, it always hangs around after an older lady uses the stall before you. The odour is hard to describe, but I think you just about have it there.
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It's a noxious odour of onions, feces, and rotting sewage mixed together with rusty fork in a bowl of semen and diarrhea. My 200-year-old 6th-grade lunch lady possessed the stench, and she assaulted me with it every time she came within twenty feet of me.
She used to monopolize the bathroom to change her pants twice a period, and she would believe anything you told her--my friend told her that school was cancelled one day, and she didn't come in. It didn't help she had a unibrow and what looked like fake hair and fake face. The only thing real on her was her beard and moustache, and her horrible, horrible smell.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-26 15:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fading fast"???
Where'd you come up with that one, Barney?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-26 15:34:06 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never smelt a Yak pussy; so i'm taking your word for this one. It sounds bad though.
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LIARS
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't use my toilet at home either for that exact reason. Bravo.
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am seriously demented. I actually clicked on this post...then read the entire thing somehow knowing exactly what he described.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really have no words. I'm crying right now. And not because I just got done jerking off either.
Well...maybe a little bit because of that.
Most mostly due to the fact that farking rulered!!!11
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH SWEET CHRIST!!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate that smell, it always hangs around after an older lady uses the stall before you. The odour is hard to describe, but I think you just about have it there.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-26 15:34:06 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never smelt a Yak pussy; so i'm taking your word for this one. It sounds bad though.
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
!FIRE! !FIRE! !FIRE!
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How could I not click on a post about bathrooms written by somebody named Fartsmeller?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You took a lesson in pooping from George Costanza, eh?
PLOP.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sleeve of tennis balls. You made my day.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never smelt a Yak pussy; so i'm taking your word for this one. It sounds bad though.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaa
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think next time you should attempt to shit through your pants.
Then just walk around the office all day with a big ol' stink-rimmed blowout in the back of your drawers.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This week on "Sick, Sad World..."
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-26 09:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-03-26 09:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Barf....
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-26 09:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Motor broom ski cart.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-03-26 09:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
trez magnifique
(means well put, shitheads)
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-03-26 09:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always found 'Tuesdays with Morrie' to be a suitable companion for bowel movements.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-03-26 09:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*blinks*
Did he just type "spent vaginas in the sewer"?
*blinks*
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-03-26 09:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pink