If You Can Eat A Battered Bourbon, And Still Look Your Teacher In The Eye, Then You're A Better Man Than Me (1875 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-04-04 06:00:20 EDT
There are few things in life that petrified me more than the thought of secondary education.
Going up into 'big' school was a fucking major event in the lives of most of the kids I knew, mostly because we had all heard the rumours about the place.
These rumours were futher compounded by my asshole of an older brother, who brainwashed me into thinking that I was about to enter Hell on Earth, a torturous ordeal that would make Vlad the Impaler shit in his Y-fronts at the very thought of it. He would relish telling me what I was about to go through.
Big Bro: "Do you know what the bigger kids do to the little kids that come into the school?"
Me: "No, what happens?"
I used to look up to my big brother like he was a Demi-God. He knew everything, and his word was Gospel to my 13 year old mind.
Big Bro: "Well, they initiate all the new kids, to find out who are the pussies and who are the cool guys."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Big Bro: "Well, first of all, there's the holly bush. They throw the little kids in and see which one screams the loudest. The louder you scream, the bigger the fag you are, and if you're a fag, then you're not cool. See how that works?"
Me: (Gulp) "Seriously? What else do they do?"
Big Bro: "After the holly bush comes the stinging nettles. There's a big patch of 'em at the back of the playing field. They rip the shirts of the little kids, and drag them through it by their feet. Hurts like a bitch....."
Me: (Bigger gulp) "So what happens if they think you're a fag?"
Big Bro: "Oh, just the usual stuff. They'll ram you bollock first into the goal posts, stub their cigarettes out on your neck, that kinda thing. Well, that's what the nice ones do, anyway."
Me: (Biggest gulp yet) "And the not so nice ones?"
Big Bro: "Nah, you don't wanna know what they do...... but I'll tell you anyway. The real nasty ones will grab you and your pussy friends, and drag you in the broom cupboard. Once you're inside, they'll lock the door and make you play the biscuit game."
Me: "That doesn't sound so bad. I like biscuits. What's the biscuit game? Sounds like fun."
Big Bro: "Never mind.... maybe you should just find out for yourself......."
Me: "No! Tell me!"
He turns at me, and grins a grin so malicious it makes Robert Mugabe look like Minnie the fucking Mouse.
Big Bro: "Well, they make you stand around a biscuit, and get your little weiners out. Then, you have to tug away and blast your load over the biscuit. And you better be quick, coz the last person to shoot on the biscuit has to eat it. Oh well, I better go. Just though I should let you know, you being my little brother and all. Have fun!"
At this stage in life, I had only just discovered the pleasures of masturbation, and I was all too familiar with the not-so-pleasant substance that was associated with it. The crumpled tissues under my mattress were testimony to this fact, and it was certainly not something I would have considered eating on any occasion. Let alone having to swallow someone elses.
That night, I couldn't sleep. It was nearing the end of the summer holidays, and big school was only 2 weeks away. What was I going to do? I couldn't bear the thought of having to eat the soggy remains of a semen soaked Garibaldi.
There was only one option.
Practice, boy, practice!
That was it. If I was going to make sure that I was never on the receiving end of a salty chocolate bourboun, then I was gonna have to shape up. I would have to become the fastest slinger in the West.
The following morning, I devised a strict training plan. I came up with a rigourous routine that I would stick to, no matter what.
- Wake up
- Wank
- 2 mins to recover, wank again
- Go to bathroom, brush teeth
- Take advantage of locked door, have a wank
- Back to bedroom
- Get dressed. Try to fit in quick wank before breakfast
Wow. All that furious fwapping can really wear a guy out. I went down to breakfast, red faced with exhaustion.
"Hey, honey, are you feeling ok? You've just got out of bed and you look tired already!"
"I'm fine, Mum. And don't give me any toast for breakfast today. Can I have some of your natural yoghurt instead?"
"I thought you hated that stuff?"
"Never mind. Just gimme gimme gimme."
"Well, if you're sure....."
I scoffed down three pots of yoghurt, and returned to my bedroom. I had another 3 hand jobs to get through before I could even consider going out to play.
By lunchtime, my hectic schedule was beginning to take its toll. I had snuck off for 4 'toilet breaks' while I had been playing tag with my friends in the street. This was more important.
Let them neglect their duties, and it'll be them facing the cum-drenched custard cream.
After a few days of this, it was becoming a chore. I just couldn't get the boners up and running. Picturing little Milly from down the road in her gym slip jut wasn't cutting it anymore. I wouldn't have that luxury when the time came to cross swords with several other hormone filled teenage boys.
I needed some genuine visual stimulation.
I waited for my Dad to go to work, and went into his room. I opened the locked cabinet (combination was his date of birth, the dumbass) and fished out his stash of Escort magazines. That day, I never went out to play.
I spent hours in my room, burning the images of Natasha and Helen into my mind. To this day, all I have to do is close my eyes, and I can see that picture of 'Clara and her hairy honey pot', clear as anything.
Now....... now, I was ready.
With fresh material in my mind to work with, I became a wrist-wrenching legend. I approached my routine with vigour and vitality. Each morning, I would awake with the soundtrack from the Rocky movies in my mind, as I knocked one out in record breaking time.
"I've got the eye of the tiger.... I'm rising up to the challenge of my rivals, hell yeah!"
But I knew that speed wasn't everything. I would need to hone my accuracy, too. Your average biscuit doesn't have a generous surface area to work with, and in my experience, ejaculation was not an exact science.
I began my target practice with some large round Digestives. These provided ample dumping ground, and before long I could aim the majority of my batch to hit home base.
After this, I started to make things difficult for myself. Bourbons and Pink Wafers proved tough to hit, thanks to their rectangular nature. Chocolate hob-nobs were even harder to target, as I insisted on eating them first.
But I stuck at it, morning, noon and night, relentless in my quest.
Speed and accuracy, boy. Speed and accuracy!
Before long, I was breaking the 20 second barrier, and I could hit the soft, fruity centre of a Jammy Dodger from 6 feet away.
You wanna biscuit battle with me? I'm the fucking biscuit master, baby!
Finally, it came. My first day in big school. Although I had trained like crazy, I was still a little apprehensive. What if someone had trained more than I had? Could I really cope when the time came to crack one out under pressure? Time would tell.
When first break came, I was huddled in the corner of the playground with Pete and Rich, who I had made friends with.
Pete: "Well, it doesn't seem so bad here. I heard that the big kids do all kind of horrible shit to us."
Rich: "I heard that too. Seems ok so far though."
Me: "What? Are you guys fucking crazy? I sure hope you've been training."
Pete & Rich: "What for?"
Me: "The biscuit game, dumbasses."
Pete: "What the fuck is the biscuit game?"
Me: "You know.... the big kids drag us in the cupboard, and we have to jerk off over a biscuit. Last kid to shoot their load has to eat the soggy biscuit. Don't you know anything?"
A look of sheer horror passed over their faces.
Rich: "Are you for real?"
Me: "Damn right. My big brother told me, so it's gotta be true."
Pete: "And you've been training for this?"
Me: "Fuck yeah! I even had a practice run in Miss Ridley's stationary cupboard before registration this morning. I hope you guys are ready, coz there's no way I'm chewing on your wads."
I walked off, and let Pete and Rich consider their lack of responsibility.
The next day, Miss Ridley called registration and dismissed the class off to their morning lessons.
"Except you, Joey. Can I have a word please?"
Aww, fuck. How can I be in trouble already?
"Sure... is there a problem."
"Sit down, Joey. It appears you've been upsetting some of your classmates."
"What? I thought I was making friends."
"Pete and Rich came to me yesterday afternoon. Do you know what it was about?"
Fuckers! I hate them already. I was just trying to give some friendly advice...."
"No! I have no idea."
"They say that you told them about some kind of 'biscuit game'. Care to tell me about that?"
I felt a stirring down below. Miss Ridley was a hot teacher, and I was full of hormones. Now she wanted me to talk dirty? Shit......
"Well, um....it's just, you see....... um, my brother told me that, um......some of the big kids would um.........."
"Go on."
"He said that the big kids would pull us in the cupboard, and um..... y'know..."
"I'm afraid I don't. Please explain."
The bulge in my trousers had become prominent, and I shifted my legs to try and hide this fact.
"He said they would make us, um..... play with ourselves."
I felt the redness swelling up in my cheeks. This was mortifying.
"Well, according to Pete and Rich, you don't need big boys to make you do that. You told them that you did it on your own. In MY cupboard, yesterday. Is this true, Joey?"
Meltdown! Meltdown! Cringe factor level 10! Commence emergency procedures!
"I have no idea what they're talking about."
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to look in your bag, Joey"
Oh. My. Fucking. God. How did she know?
I relunctantly handed over my new Nike rucksack, and shrivelled up at the thought of what was to come. She reached in, and pulled out the offending publication. The one copy of my Dad's Escort that I didn't think he would miss.
"Can you tell me why you are bringing pornographic material onto school property?"
I mumbled a few words under my breath.
"I'm sorry Joey, I can't hear you."
"Practice......"
My unwanted stiffy had finally headed south. How could it have come to this?
"I see......well, I'm going to have to inform your parents. Your Father can pick it up from the Headmistress when he has the time."
I walked out of the classroom in a haze of hideous shame. If she followed up on her threat to tell my folks, then I never knew about it.
I'm not sure who would be more embarassed - me, explaining myself to my parents...... or my Dad explaining to my Mum why he had just picked up the 1979 'see through swimwear' edition of Escort from a woman named Mrs Titcombe.
Memories, people. It's all about the memories........
User Reviews
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-08-03 22:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glorious.
All you brits and your pornographic sounding cookies!
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2007-08-03 21:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-23 12:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?!
Great stuff!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-23 10:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It always made me think though; if the older boys are watching youngsters choke the old chicken over a biscuit to prove they arent gay, who are the real fags in this equation?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-08 09:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was some funny shit here, JoeyG.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-04-08 08:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in my experience, ejaculation was not an exact science.
--
awesome line.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-04-08 08:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! Soggy biscuit. Just the thought that is a chance that there are people out there (rugger buggers) that actually play that game makes me vomit in my mouth a little.
'Posting' definately used to happen though. Trust me.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-06 17:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-04-04 23:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhahahahha one of your best.
Freshman year all the first-years were hazed by having to walk the gauntlet. We were forced to sit in the back of the bus, with the upper-class years in the middle, and fight our way to get out of the bus. I nearly made it. ;(
among other things.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-04 23:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-04-04 23:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to read this offline. But just so I don't fuck up your streak...
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-04 17:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-04 16:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mrs. Titcombe...heh.
You always gotta turn it up to 11, dontcha Joey?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey I don't know if your writings are truths or figments, but honestly, your stuff is better than 98% of the sitcoms on tv today, and why you are not making your fortune writing for television is beyond me.
Good stuff every dam time.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I love digestives, sans seminal fluid obviously.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boy, the way that Joey played
Wanking to the biscuit game
All the semen that he came
THOSE WERE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAYS
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You wanna biscuit battle with me? I'm the fucking biscuit master, baby!"
AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*dies*
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You need a real positive mental attitude to carry it out.
Feeling sore?
Fuck you. You don't make the team.
You gotta rub that bad boy until there's blisters.
BLISTERS, MOTHERFUCKER. "
-------
So funny
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-04 18:13:17 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chocolate hob-nobs were even harder to target, as I insisted on eating them first.
----------------
Oaty hob-nobs, no less.
Can't be doing with those cheap digestive based frauds.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-04-04 13:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Riveting. And, worryingly, mildly arousing.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-04 13:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no words to describe the brilliance of your posting. B@W!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-04 13:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-04 10:13:17 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chocolate hob-nobs were even harder to target, as I insisted on eating them first.
hahahaha... brilliant line.
-------------------------------------------------------
ps: JG--one of your best hands down.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-04-04 13:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-04 13:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chocolate hob-nobs were even harder to target, as I insisted on eating them first.
hahahaha... brilliant line.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeaverDamn (user info) at 2007-04-04 17:08:29 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for anyone who has the will and endurance to jack off 8 times a day.
-------
You need a real positive mental attitude to carry it out.
Feeling sore?
Fuck you. You don't make the team.
You gotta rub that bad boy until there's blisters.
BLISTERS, MOTHERFUCKER.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheheh.
ew.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you got back at those little rats.
Submitted by BeaverDamn (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for anyone who has the will and endurance to jack off 8 times a day.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-04-04 11:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Headmistress alone just sounds dirty
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-04 10:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jammy dodger
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-04 10:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A little insight as to why you are the way you are.
Brilliant.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-04 10:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:50:30 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-04 09:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
You call cookies biscuits.
--
Have you eaten a Digestive? It is so far from being a cookie it is unreal.
Cookie= Yummy tasty
Biscuit= Dry nasty cardboard thing
------------
The D man makes a good point.........
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-04 10:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-04 09:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
You call cookies biscuits.
--
Have you eaten a Digestive? It is so far from being a cookie it is unreal.
Cookie= Yummy tasty
Biscuit= Dry nasty cardboard thing
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-04 10:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-04-04 10:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. Great use of italics.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-04 09:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he
heee
he
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-04 09:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
You call cookies biscuits.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-04 09:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:19:14 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, as always, Joey. Keep it up.
-----------
I'll always try and keep it up.
Those little blue pills you sent me work a fucking treat.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-04 08:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gave a freshmen a swirly once.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, good read and that silly joke is across the pond, stateside as well, although under a few different names. And....if I didn't know any better I'd have to say that you borrowed my "batch" terminology, which is quite fitting and funny to use.
Great post, as always, Joey. Keep it up.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, as per.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh christ i've heard of the biscuit game. Never came my way luckily, strange when you think I went to boarding school.
It always made me think though; if the older boys are watching youngsters choke the old chicken over a biscuit to prove they arent gay, who are the real fags in this equation?
Submitted by needsnothing (user info) at 2007-04-04 06:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I most certainly would not!
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-04-04 06:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2