seven - SUPA (923 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: poetry
Rating: 1.66 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourge (View user info) at 2007-04-17 13:57:42 EDT
seven
this, the way it goes:
guilty born...a faulted life.
so, with death, a path's thrown wide;
plod that steady course,
from concentric circles stride
through to terraced mountainside...
superbia et humilitas
excess self love sets,
impotent ignorance 'gainst
all powerful omniscience.
laden soul, great load, back bent,
lost, damned souls demand repent.
invidia et humanitas
yen for what's not yours
leads one to depart from self,
journeys end, arrive in hell.
shrouded, hidden, cloaked in grey
blinded eye, can't see the way
ira et patientia
hatred, uncontrolled,
causes self to be dismembered...
whole once more, body's rendered.
so, when savage temper broke,
forced to wade through acrid smoke
acedia et industria
joyless apathy
weights bodies underwater
aimless herd led to slaughter
drowned, choked, lacking self respect
gifts rot through disuse, neglect
avaritia et liberalitas
wealth, riches lust
becomes a heavy burden...
weights crash, fates sealed and certain
lifted again, fall, face down lies
soul and body paralyzed
gula et frenum
when all whims indulge
lie soiled beneath heavens rent
forced to consume excrement
for excess to be abated
hunger, thirst remain unsated
luxuria et castitas
desire obsessive,
restless winds, release demand.
restraint did ne'er well command.
murd'rer, cheat, thief, and liar
all pass through the wall of fire.
...
journey, well and done,
finally to nine spheres arrive
gloried circles deep inside
BUT
the question with us
still remains: what purpose, life,
if, from first, doomed to this strife?
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah?
well, as long as you're doing other stuff to stay valid. me for instance... i've decided that honesty and shit stirring CAN go hand in hand.
oh and also not coming to ubersite very much can be a load of fun.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-01 06:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude I went from 15 to 14 posts.
:(
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-18 23:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know if seven are necessary, as they all read the same in a sense. Structurally anyway, which is entirely to do with the limitations of the style and nothing to do with content. I dig the language here. Each line is a tight fist, packed and tense. TOIT...TOIT LIKE A TIGER.
Anyway. It didn't move me or sink its hooks in me, but it was a real pleasure to read.
I appreciate the different approaches you've taken so far.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-18 23:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually, fuck, 1.5 for this one. I'm such a sucker for travel.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-18 23:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't choose. +2 for both of you.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-18 19:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent work.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-18 18:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-18 16:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-18 16:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-04-18 13:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-04-18 13:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-18 05:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care what it is, but it works for me.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-18 01:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 20:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/100833
The winner
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My finger slipped.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE Haiku.
Especially, served with extra hot sauce and maybe some black beans.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's another just to get under Orgasmo's feminine skin.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does this help?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
old skool haiku. werd.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When's the deadline for this round?
I'm still formulating.
~~~~
tomorrow I think... get going!
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you for making me break out a latin dictionary.
Very interesting concept.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the greatest
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
midnight.
now come back and give me my fucking +2 and a few more on top of it since you just tanked my fucking score, Harrelson.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When's the deadline for this round?
I'm still formulating.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-04-17 15:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Waka"? Isn't that what Fozzie the Bear said on the Muppet Show all the time?
*drum fill*
Nicely done, scourge my fellow captain.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for good effort
Submitted by NoMeD (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Simply.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Older than haiku?!?
Well shit, haikus get an auto +2, so I guess wakas should get the same.
Auto waka +2.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge I love you, but I'm afraid I don't love this.
It read rather formulaic and stilted.
Submitted by MEGACITO (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
your mom and sis already doubled teamed me , but you can take a number ...
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck MeGAYcito
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't give a shit what it is, It's fucking good.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-17 13:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The preceding was presented in an ancient Japanese form known as waka. Older than haiku, waka is a longer format with different presentations available, utilizing five and seven syllable lines in each line.
The prologue and epilogue use an ancient and more rarely used form called 'sedoka', which employs a 5-7-7, 5-7-7 syllabic structure.
The body is a style of waka known as tanka, which is the predominant form. The tanka is usually seen as being comprised of two phrases, an upper and lower, with the upper containing the first three lines. I used a very traditional format; a 5-7-5 'kami-no-ku', upper phrase, followed by a 7-7 'shimo-no-ku', lower phrase.
An interesting note about waka: writing a waka about ones death is the second major step involved in committing seppuku, immediately after the tea drinking ceremony, and immediately prior to positioning oneself in preparation for inserting the blade into one's torso. Generally the content of the waka used in the seppuku ceremony is to be centered on the transient emotions one is experiencing at that time, with specific reference to imminent death seen as a horrid faux pas.
If the origin of the subject matter either interests or eludes you, please reference The Divine Comedy and the Christian Bible, amongst many other sources, both esoteric and popular.
The idea of using this ancient Eastern style to portray a very Western subject matter tickled me.
Above you have the laughter that ensued.
Submitted by MEGACITO (user info) at 2007-04-17 13:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this is trash and a half