Darkened Pathways (1010 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.44 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-04-24 10:55:06 EDT
I wander down life's pathway,
Searching for something, anything, a sign.
I see you on your pathway,
Looking at me, on mine.
What do you see, when you look at me?
Do you feel envy, pride, or shame?
When you see me on my pathway,
Would you stop and ask my name?
To you, I could be anyone;
I could be lost, afraid, alone.
So would you stop, and take the time,
To succour the unknown?
Just like a good Samaritan,
You see if I'm okay,
You ask if I'm in trouble,
Or lost upon my way.
Hear me, my dear;
Look deep within my eyes,
For something stirs me deep inside;
A devilish surpise.
My heart of full of anguish,
Of torment and despair,
I want to share these with you;
My sordid, dark affair.
And now you've left your pathway,
It's dark, and you're alone,
You'll never see the light again,
Your kids, you'll not see grown.
Your radiance, and inner shine,
Your love, and your concern,
Have lured you to my hallowed shrine;
My essence, you'll discern.
You'll feel my pain, and my regret,
My anger and remorse,
A feeling that you won't forget;
Harmonial discourse.
But when I'm done with you, my dear,
My darling, dying swan,
My memory of you will fade;
My path will carry on.
I wander down life's pathway,
Searching for something, anything, a sign.
I see you on your pathway;
I know that you'll be mine.
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-26 13:29:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an awfully close race, and you did a great job with this poem. My hats off to you sir.
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Thanks, man. Although I still feel that there has been a great miscarriage of justice here. Your piece was much better, and deserved to win.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-26 08:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mad props to all Round 3 contestants. Best round of entries yet, lots of great reading!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-26 08:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an awfully close race, and you did a great job with this poem. My hats off to you sir.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-25 23:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-25 23:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only have time to rate. All apologies. Comments to follow tomorrow. I suck, I blow, etc.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-25 23:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-25 23:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought maybe you were going for a horrifying take on The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, which is a really cool idea, actually.
I wanted this to be even creepier, with an increasing sense of dread. I wanted to be scared by the end, or horrified.
===
I was reminded of Frost, too. In the first few stanzas, I thought it might end up being a cliched romantic piece or something, but it got creepy and that was cool. I would have liked to read further, but you tied it up nicely.
Submitted by NoMeD (user info) at 2007-04-25 14:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-25 11:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-25 16:29:50 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
So a 1.5 is my final rating. Best of luck in the comp.
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Best o' luck to you too mate.
Right, It's close enough to 5pm, so I'm gettin the hell outta here. I'm in the hands of fate (aka the alters) until tomorrow morning I guess.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-25 11:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So a 1.5 is my final rating. Best of luck in the comp.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-25 11:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've read this at least three or four times in the past twenty-four hours, because I've been torn on several aspects of it, and how to rate accordingly.
As Zebra alluded, the bookends are nicely written, and effective. For the most part, I enjoyed everything in between as well. The poem had a nice direction and flow to it. Yet, I felt that the middle stanzas (four through seven) were more lucid than other stanzas, and as such, felt somewhat detached from the rest of the piece. I think that the poem would read better without these stanzas, and would not lose any meaning or insight.
I also think that this would have read better without the punctuation at the end of each line, but perhaps that is just a matter of personal preference.
Overall, a nice poem, but I think that with a little more effort and time, this could be improved upon even more...and from your previous works, I am certain that you are capable of better.
Submitted by Mr_Burns (user info) at 2007-04-25 10:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-25 07:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And he can write poetry.......
Which means you have more than half a braincell, damn Devons gonna be a culture shock.
ALRIGHT MUY LUVOR!??!!??!!?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-25 03:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-25 03:44:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-24 22:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Q: Whats the one thing zebras are good for?
A: Being eaten by lions.
*********
NOT! Wrong answer!
Q: What is the one thing Zebras are good for?
A: I can't thing of one thing... Lions would get indigestion and fart incessantly.
_________________
Q: What is the one thing Zebras are good for?
A: A trip to the country (its true, they crave the excercise and they provide a most entertaining companion, oh the stories they tell!)
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-25 00:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats true. I did not consider the undue flatulence. I stand corrected.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-24 22:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-24 22:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Q: Whats the one thing zebras are good for?
A: Being eaten by lions.
*********
NOT! Wrong answer!
Q: What is the one thing Zebras are good for?
A: I can't thing of one thing... Lions would get indigestion and fart incessantly.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-24 22:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Q: Whats the one thing zebras are good for?
A: Being eaten by lions.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-04-24 21:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-24 20:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-24 14:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
*****
Wildman, you're certainly entitled to your opinion, but I, as an observer, would like to know exactly why you gave this a negative rating. I thought it was well above that level, but maybe that's just me. Will you honor us with an explanation?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-24 20:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree and disagree with Nitty. The meter/rhythm had excellent points as well as a few stumbles.
Zebra attempts (lamely) once again to flash his education by referring to Frost and the load.. er... ah... road not taken.
Forget the personalities and Uber insults. (except you, Zebra, ya jerk. :) )
Joey, I think this was very good, but I get the distinct feeling you cranked it out in haste.
Right? Still, it is pretty good.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-24 16:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-24 11:08:20 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is my SUPA R3 entry by the way...
**********************
I figured it was your way of telling us you're actually gay.
HA! Take that entire genre of poetry.
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yeah, I thought that too
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-24 15:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-24 14:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is my SUPA R3 entry by the way...
**********************
I figured it was your way of telling us you're actually gay.
HA! Take that entire genre of poetry.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-24 14:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-04-24 13:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meter seemed rather broken.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with Zebra on this one. I liked it, but it read like only the first couple verses of a Nine Inch Nails song, rather than the entire thing.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this.
But
My essence, you'll discern?
That's hilarious.
The mark of an immature poet (meaning new to poetry, not your actual emotional development) is a line like that. There were a few others.
This was much better than your previous entries, despite what anyone told you.
I thought maybe you were going for a horrifying take on The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, which is a really cool idea, actually.
If that's what you were trying to do, your pathway didn't quite go far enough.
I wanted this to be even creepier, with an increasing sense of dread. I wanted to be scared by the end, or horrified.
The mention of torments suffered by your killer was nice.
Bookends were effective.
It was very interesting read.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-24 11:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 for a lovely poem and 2 for Orphs great math skills.
Heh
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-24 11:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me think of Sympathy for the Devil.
Good work.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-24 11:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 for the poem, and 2 more for whiskey's comments. So rounded off, that equals 2
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is my SUPA R3 entry by the way...
**********************
I figured it was your way of telling us you're actually gay.
HA! Take that entire genre of poetry.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my favorite in this comp now that shlong's out.
GO JOE!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-24 10:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is my SUPA R3 entry by the way...