I Know It's Hard To Believe, Baby, But I Totally Caught This Rash From A Lamppost (1646 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.87 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-04-26 10:39:59 EDT
By default, human beings come with an in-built system that enables them to lie in order to justify their actions.
It's known by various names, including 'small white lies', 'being generous with the truth', and more accurately, as 'complete and utter bullshit.'
Dealing with life insurance for over six years, I have come across this in more forms than I care to remember. It comes in so many shapes and sizes. But what people who apply to us fail to realise, is that we can spot the tell-tale signs from a mile away.
That, and the fact we have full, unlimited access to all their medical records from the second they sign the application form.
What people tell us, and what really happened, are often two completely different things. Their description of a certain medical procedure may be a shade different from what their doctor tells us.
When people apply, we decide whether or not we need further information. That can be in the form of a simple questionnaire to the customer, asking to clarify answers on an application form, or it can be something more complex, like asking their GP for a full report of their medical records.
However, even the doctor's reports don't highlight the exact turn of events. They cloak the patient's respect amidst a cloud of various legal terms and medical mumbo-jumbo.
The following are genuine cases I have come across in the past few years. Names and wording slightly amended, for obvious reasons.
Case 1:
Name: Robert Nicholls
Age: 23
Immediately, alarm bells are ringing. We very rarely take applications from young people, as they know they can get cheaper insurance elsewhere. On his application, he discloses a complete clean bill of health, apart from seeing his GP once in the past 12 months, for (and I quote), 'penile distress tests.'
After searching our medical databases, I can find no mention of 'penile distress testing', or of any 'distressed penis' syndromes at all, for that matter. So, I decide to write to his doctor for clarification.
His doctor wrote back:
"Afro-Caribbean patient, joined practice 5 years ago. We received med recs from prev. surgery (eventually), nothing to note. Since then, I have one recorded visit. Patient made appt, and mentioned 'brown discharge from genitalia' and 'acute discomfort during urination.' Upon examination, immediate diagnosis was that of poss. gonorrhoea.
When asked, patient said he had no sexual relations in past six months, other than being tied to a lamppost naked, in alcohol related incident. He said his penis had come into contact with lamppost and that its nature was 'unhygienic'.
I administered a urethral scraping, and sent sample for biopsy. Results proved g'rhoea conclusive. Prescribed antibiotics, and advised patient to re-attend in 3 weeks. No return appt made by patient."
Well doesn't that all sound rather civilised?
Maybe, until you put it into context. What the doctor meant to say was:
"Foreign guy registered at my damn surgery 5 years ago. It was a pain in the ass getting his fucking records, I remember that much. Nothing much on there. Have seen patient once, he complained his dick hurt real bad. Upon examination, he had the worst case of the gon's I've ever seen. Real leaky.
He denied shagging around without a rubber, and blamed the infection on a lamppost. To prove him wrong, I shoved a small, fish-hook live device down his Jap's-eye, and scraped out some of that brown shit for analysis.
Once I had proved him wrong with the results, I gave him some weak-ass meds, and told him to come back in a few weeks. Thankfully, the thought of that fish-hook was enough to stop his sorry ass coming back to me again."
Case 2:
Name: Elaine Evans
Age: 39
This is a bit more like it. More 'our' sort of customer (i.e washed out, middle aged and desperate). Elaine quite freely admitted a history of GP visits for mild conditions, nothing that could seriously compromise her application. The only thing that did cause concern was an abortion 3 months previously because of (and again, I quote) 'a tricky vagina.'
Now, I now from past experience just how tricky some vaginas can be, but this seemed a bit of a drastic reason for an abortion. Once again, the GP shines a light on the issue.
"Miss Evans is a well known patient at the surgery. I have treated her for a number of conditions over the years, ranging from small lacerations to common colds.
More recently, I have seen Miss Evans for a number of gynaecological disorders which have become prevalent with her lifestyle. This lifestyle began 2 years ago, after she had admitted using heroin. I have noted signs of Syphilis, Chlamydia and a serious case of Trichomonas Vaginalis. This last occurred during Miss Evans' latest pregnancy, and the infection was severe enough to advise termination. Miss Evans agreed to this course of action.
Okay, so where was he going with this? Let's take a look at what he was trying to say:
"This bitch is always wasting our time, whether she's got a paper cut or a slight cough.
Everyone knows she's a right slapper, and the dirty cow has had more infections that she's had hot meals. When she got knocked up for the fourth time, she also picked up a dose of T.V, which was funny as fuck as she couldn't pronounce the proper medical term.
It wouldn't be humane to allow another child to be placed in the care of this junkie wench-whore, so I told her it'd be best to nip it in the bud, so to speak."
And, finally, my personal favourite.
Case 3:
Name: Arnass Andersson
Age: 30
Again, this person was fairly young by our standards, but it's not until you start looking at his application in more detail that we decided to seek wisdom from the medical realm. Occupation was described merely as 'actor.' Fine. It wouldn't have even warranted a second glance, had it not been for the information provided regarding GP visits in the past 12 months.
He disclosed that he had seen his doctor with a case of 'work related discontent', which had given rise to 'a procedural disagreement.'
Well, now, I was intrigued. Clearly something is going on. Let's take a closer look at what the doctor had to say:
"Mr Andersson's profession has negated that he take regular blood tests in order to perform his day to day activities. He is a fit individual, and generally in very good health. BP, chol, and BM index are exemplary.
One recent incident of note. Patient arrived at surgery requesting emergency appt as he was clearly in distress. Upon examination, Mr Andersson had a severe swollen bladder, and enlarged testes.
When questioned about his sexual activity, Mr Andersson stated that he had recently engaged in intercourse with a female, who in turn had recently engaged in intercourse with an animal of the bovide persuasion.
A urinalysis was carried out, and large quantity of blood was present. My diagnosis was that his bladder and testes had become infected through possible cross-species seminal contamination. I advised him to attend hospital for an internal uroscopy.
When I described the procedure to the patient, he proceeded to vomit, before exiting the practice in a hasty manner."
All of that is just a very diplomatic way of saying:
"Mr Andersson is a Swedish porn star, and has regular checks for HIV and other infections related to his profession. He has always been in good health, until I saw him for the very last time.
The patient entered the practice, waving a set of elephant balls at the receptionist. I took one look and knew the score. He admitted giving it to a girl who had just fucked a goat, and taken the whole batch in her vag.
I made him take a piss, and he was bleeding like an elephant on its menstrual cycle. I told him he was a sick fuck, and he should get his ass down the hospital to be checked out.
When I told him that this would involve a telescope being shoved down his dick for a close inspection of bladder and testes, he barfed up his Smorgasbord and ran for dear fucking life."
All in all, we know when you're telling the truth, and we know when you're trying to take us for a ride.
It's much easier to come out and tell us the truth at the beginning.
Besides - I'll find out, one way or another.........
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-01 17:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-01 00:41:45 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks, after reading this, my legs are so tightly crossed that i'm now rapidly losing circulation in my feet
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They say that crossed legs are the first sign of cross-legged disease.
The only cure is to go out and shag multiple prossies who call themselves Melissa.
I have an address book if ur interested.....
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-01-31 19:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks, after reading this, my legs are so tightly crossed that i'm now rapidly losing circulation in my feet
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-01-31 19:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha
'urethral scraping' - should never accompany one another in a sentence
'a tricky vagina.' - I've seen one or two in my day, never one I couldn't 'tame' with help from an owners' manual.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2008-01-31 19:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-06-01 14:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NotVoltron (user info) at 2007-05-25 09:39:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 i've been forced to perform STI tests on not so willing patients
Y HELO THAR, GOING TO ROD YOU OFF TEH RANGE RIGHT PROPER, PISS IN THAR CUP LET ME STICK A NEEDLE IN THAT FAPPIN ARM OF YORE
does that make me a rapist?
------------------------
Only in Texas.
Submitted by NotVoltron (user info) at 2007-05-25 04:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 i've been forced to perform STI tests on not so willing patients
Y HELO THAR, GOING TO ROD YOU OFF TEH RANGE RIGHT PROPER, PISS IN THAR CUP LET ME STICK A NEEDLE IN THAT FAPPIN ARM OF YORE
does that make me a rapist?
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-05-02 23:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth Reading
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-30 06:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2007-04-27 02:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
321654987398431065464506540651
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-26 23:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The "what the doctor really meant" bits were a bit heavy-handed, I thought.
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2007-04-26 23:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story as always.
I used your name in a title for one of my posts- I hope you don't mind. I really enjoy reading your posts.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/101132
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-26 19:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats ok then, we're all set!
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-04-26 17:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Same thing happened to me I swear to god.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-26 17:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your insurance company's shenannigans never cease to amuse me.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-04-26 17:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BLARRRF
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-26 17:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-26 20:00:17 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
JOEY!!!!!!
Remember me telling you about Frank the goat............?
----------------
I did have my suspicions......... as long as Frank is fine, then that's what matters.
Besides, I have my special 'anti-goat cum' pills which means we've got a green light...
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-04-26 16:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder how many strippers get vag malfunctions due to pole sharing in one way or another?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-26 15:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JOEY!!!!!!
Remember me telling you about Frank the goat............?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-26 13:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-26 13:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear.
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-04-26 13:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-26 13:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lamp post goodness
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-04-26 13:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-04-26 12:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf? I thought I rated this.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-26 12:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that really what nurses look like in the UK?
Cause I'm pretty sure you're not suppose to carry blood samples around in your cleavage.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-26 16:45:19 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems you've found proof why you should never take sloppy seconds after a goat.
Course, I suppose most people wouldn't need proof for that, but hopefully any curious Swedes can take this as a cautionary tale.
------------------
See, up until I saw this, I thought it would have been perfectly acceptable.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems you've found proof why you should never take sloppy seconds after a goat.
Course, I suppose most people wouldn't need proof for that, but hopefully any curious Swedes can take this as a cautionary tale.
Submitted by BeaverDamn (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with people?
Whatever it is, I hope it continues for my viewing pleasure.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
laff
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice set up.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-26 16:11:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had that fishook procedure done on me before; it is rather unpleasant. Since then I have vowed to only sleep with clean women, and have given up the filthy sluts I used to hang out with.
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I remember and exceedingly embarassing conversation with my mother when I was about 14. She told me to stay away from the 'really' nice ones, as they were the ones who put it about and caught the diseases, and that I should set my sights on something more common.
Her view was that if nits only nest in clean hair, then you should go for a greasy troll instead.
Thankfully, I never listened to a word she said.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had that fishook procedure done on me before; it is rather unpleasant. Since then I have vowed to only sleep with clean women, and have given up the filthy sluts I used to hang out with.
Do you know how hard it is to find a clean woman these days? Well I'm still waiting that's how hard it is.
===========
Paint a face on your hand. It's just like the real thing!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had that fishook procedure done on me before; it is rather unpleasant. Since then I have vowed to only sleep with clean women, and have given up the filthy sluts I used to hang out with.
Do you know how hard it is to find a clean woman these days? Well I'm still waiting that's how hard it is.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not Boring.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fish hook....
<shudder>
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' Sweet.
...
Just...Fuckin' Sweet.
People do weird, weird things sometimes.
+2 for reminding me that I'm somewhat normal, mostly.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit. I wish I saw more stuff like this in MY job.
Scratch that, no, I don't. There are enough weird things in the normal patient records.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-04-26 15:52:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you say 'fucking' are you using that as a verb or an adjective?
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Both
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Good answer.....
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When you say 'fucking' are you using that as a verb or an adjective?
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Both.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want the access you have to fucking weirdos!
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When you say 'fucking' are you using that as a verb or an adjective?
I don't fuck THAT many weirdos..... honest
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear lord. I want the access you have to fucking weirdos!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
boring