Adventures in Bar Tending: The Girl From Vegas (or "The First Time Drake paid for sex) (2008 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.3 on 123 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Vitamin D(rake) (View user info) at 2007-04-30 12:05:47 EDT
I've been thinking for some time now on how to properly open this story, and a perfect beginning still eludes me. However, I feel I must write this story while it is fresh in my mind, otherwise the tale may suffer, and you will not get you proverbial "money's worth". So, I shall start with the only opening that will do this story justice:
"Oh God" I says to myself as I woke up yesterday morning. I said this because I did not wake up alone. I knew I wasn't alone before I opened my eyes. I typically sleep spread eagle at various angles throughout the night and wind up with my head at the foot of the bed in the morning. Chronic nightmares and such. But today, I am in a "normal" wake up position...with another limb wrapped around me. And another set of lungs breathing that stale, morning air, tickling the back of my neck.
"Please don't let her be hideous. Please don't let her be a him and me not have realized."
I look over and to my surprise I see a great set of tits, followed by a relatively good face. Probably about a 7 but when you wake up with a stranger, anything above a 2 is a god-send. After I get a peek, I do the post-maybe-sex-unless-I-was-too-drunk-to-get-it-up dance....in my head so as not to wake up sleeping beau.....sleeping 7.
You see what happened was, we had a very slow night at the bar on Saturday. What we did have, however, was a new patron. It was a girl about 5'10", blonde hair, great tits, and about a 7 in the face department. And seein' as how all I had seen that night was a bunch of Charlie Daniels lookin' guys ordering Busch draft until they puked foam, this girl was lookin pretty tasty to me. So I pull out my secret weapon... the shot-glass. Nothing will get a girls attention (Short of slapping her with your dick) faster than a free shot. This simple act of kindness has worked for me in good hair days and bad.
"You look mighty out of place here." I say. This is a great line because it gets them thinking. It's a completely neutral line because it could either mean something good or something really bad. Always stay on the fence with this one. It keeps them interested. She follows up with the inevitable "Yeah, I'm just having this one and going home."
"How about we do a shot. On me....
Well one shot lead to another and lots of shots followed that, and we wound up drinking together until closing time. After closing time we took it upon ourselves to finish that bottle of Mezcal. Give me tequila or give me death. Then we eventually stumbled out of the bar and made our way back to my place. I don't live too far away from the bar so I decided we should walk. (Always remember to follow the rules, kiddies.) Apparently, walking and, um, exerting yourself only makes your drunkenness worse so by he time we got to my house I had pretty much blacked out. All I can remember is waving my tip money at her ( I have a stack of ones as tall as I am. It's disgusting) and breaking my closet door by tripping over my barbells and landing face first into the door. I refuse to wash the surface cause there is a perfect imprint of my face on it. Priceless.
But I digress, eventually we both had to wake up and I figured I'd rip the Band-Aid off quickly. And I must say, there really is nothing in this world that makes me happier than an awkward situation. I revel in them. So I do what comes naturally and decide to make things awkward as I can.
"GOOD MORNING!" - oh, god. bad idea my head fucking hurts
"mmmm? oh. *yawn* good morning sweetie."
"Morning. So uhhhh did we.."
.."yeah"
woooo not too drunk to get it up.
"Alright I guess I should take you home. Where do you live?
Ummm... aren't you forgetting something?
"Oh right" I say, and I lean in and give her a kiss. Some girls require that kind of attention. I don't want her feeling like some kind of slut who isn't deserving of a good-bye kiss.
"That's not what I was talking about."
So what the hell WAS she talking about?
"What the hell ARE you talking about then?"
"My MONEY, motherfucker and don't think you can get out of payin' me!"
-----
You see kids, apparently when I was waving around my tips at her, it was a business transaction, and not me just showing off my "ones". I had actually made a deal to pay this woman for sex. I just re-read that last sentence, and I still don't believe it. I tried for maybe 30 minutes to talk her out of having me pay, and the best I could come up with was a discount because she had drank so much free hooch. (No pun intended) So in the end I wound up paying 80 dollars for gas and....the sex, which I don't even remember having by the way. But at least I didn't have to get out of bed and drive her home. Life's little victories, I suppose.
Moral: Fuck, you should know it by now.
Stay Tuned for next week's adventure, where I will attempt a "dirty sanchez" on a random bar whore.
I just hope I can afford it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-05-18 16:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/108434#2416802
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-06 03:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to make me feel bad, stok. Did you get that tattoo fixed?
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-05-05 21:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
way to make up a crappy story
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-04 01:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thats prolly why she left, she wasnt any good at it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-04 01:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shes def not a vegas whore.
she would have stolen your wallet while you were sleeping.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-03 10:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She was from Las Vegas....I must have left that out.
She just moved here 2 months ago.
I always forget the little details.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-03 05:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whats the deal with vegas in this story?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-02 11:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-05-02 10:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congratulations. You've sunk lower than I have.
======
happy to please....Interested to hear what I have bested though.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-05-02 10:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congratulations. You've sunk lower than I have.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-01 03:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
srsly.
don't believe a word of it.
=====
Srsly....My day is not any worse because of it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you're Mr. Smooth.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto -2 for using "But I digress"
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-05-01 12:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm bored, someone entertain me in real time:
http://www.gabbly.com/ubersite.com
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-05-01 11:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-30 19:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I typically sleep spread eagle at various angles throughout the night and wind up with my head at the foot of the bed in the morning.
--
Yep sorry about that; I'm normally in a rush to leave, so you just get left how you get left. Okay?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-01 08:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"A pint of ale, bar tender!"
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-01 08:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-30 19:27:19 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I'm not sending you cookies.
It's because you're a hussy.
_______________
what about me boo hoo
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-05-01 07:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FALLEN, you are a horrible man for telling that story. Those chips just didn't taste as good when they came back up.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-01 03:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
srsly.
don't believe a word of it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-01 03:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You need to do better research before writing fiction.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 23:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just glad that she didn't send anyone to collect.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-04-30 23:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know girls who would make that same damned assumption.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-04-30 22:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha ha
Accidental prostitution RULES!
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-30 19:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I typically sleep spread eagle at various angles throughout the night and wind up with my head at the foot of the bed in the morning.
---
me too.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-30 19:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-30 18:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"ANYTHING going up the out hole of my peen is disheartening."
===
Aww..that makes me want to give you a hug.
PA? O RLY? Me too.
======
I may need a hug when I'm done. Just no funny stuff, cause I'm pretty sure that It will be painful for me to be aroused.
You can usually find me on Peach St. in Erie if ya want to find me. Mostly best buy or golden corral.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"ANYTHING going up the out hole of my peen is disheartening."
===
Aww..that makes me want to give you a hug.
PA? O RLY? Me too.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-04-30 15:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNOW a thing or two about rug burn"
...........................
hahahaha...and we all thought our parents never had sex.
-----------------------------------------
Mine didn't. They just accidentally ran into each other in the kitchen.
=======
I'm thoroughly convinced that my mom got pregnant from using the same soap as my dad.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-04-30 15:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNOW a thing or two about rug burn"
...........................
hahahaha...and we all thought our parents never had sex.
-----------------------------------------
Mine didn't. They just accidentally ran into each other in the kitchen.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 15:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're putting the old maxim into practice, but you're doing it entirely backwards. It's "Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free," not "Buy the cow sex and get the gas for free."
Dipass.
=======
I AM a dipass. And now I really want to watch Mallrats
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-04-30 15:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNOW a thing or two about rug burn"
...........................
hahahaha...and we all thought our parents never had sex.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just kidding. I haven't had a chance to make them yet. Very busy with finishing up at work and school. Weep.
But I am 100% positive that they will be made this weekend if not before then...OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!
...wait...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're putting the old maxim into practice, but you're doing it entirely backwards. It's "Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free," not "Buy the cow sex and get the gas for free."
Dipass.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I'm not sending you cookies.
It's because you're a hussy.
====
I'm Hurt. I was looking forward to your award winning tasties.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I'm not sending you cookies.
It's because you're a hussy.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear god below
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A bartender should know, all tequila is mezcal but not all mezcal are tequilas.
As for diagnastic penner trauma please accept this tale of horror before you offer free shots again.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86981
pray you get the the cotton swab my brother.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the awesome story
+2000000 for TTOM's review
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If your peener turns green, you are in trouble
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"The First Time Drake paid for sex"
I'm sure it wasn't the last... by far.
Oh, and you didn't really. I guarantee you just passed out and paid her for nothing. You took her word for it, sucker.
=======
I can't afford to pay again. Car needs brakes. I'd take an ugly, free one any day.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"The First Time Drake paid for sex"
I'm sure it wasn't the last... by far.
Oh, and you didn't really. I guarantee you just passed out and paid her for nothing. You took her word for it, sucker.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn bro. I'm almost glad those days are behind me. I love my peener just the way it is.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend of a friend who shall remain nameless (Michael Day, Huntly, Aberdeenshire, Scotland) lost his virginity to a hooker his mates bought for him on his birthday...his 27th birthday.
======
BAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend of a friend who shall remain nameless (Michael Day, Huntly, Aberdeenshire, Scotland) lost his virginity to a hooker his mates bought for him on his birthday...his 27th birthday.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, both. i'll tell the funny story about the doctor giving me regular STD tests sometime too.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I popped a really tiny girl in college and I woke up in the morning and had a black cock.
===
translation: i'm a paedo nigger
======
pederast maybe......but I'm as white as....something really white.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Am I the only person NOT to of sept with a hooker!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
apparently so. Made me piss myself laughing letterman was just talking bout paying hookers to lose his virginity.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, and i can beat Caul's story"""
what story? the hooker or the doctor?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was fired up about ur poodle-like behavior.
seeing that trio of weirdos act that way is habitual...but you seem to know better.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I popped a really tiny girl in college and I woke up in the morning and had a black cock.
===
translation: i'm a paedo nigger
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul, i told him he was a shithead for doing it, just like i told you that you were a shithead for doing it.
if you have an open relationship, that's fine. i'm not really trying to dig into your sex life, dude. i just made a comment. you seem pretty fired up about it, leaving a few messages on your post and then going to mine to make a few more. let it go, man. you can't hang on ever word of people on a forum trying to rile you up. you react to it and that's why people do it to you.
oh, and i can beat Caul's story, but i'll save mine for another day. i have to get my ass to the airport very soon or i'm fucked.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the first time i slept with a chick who shaved the pubis region, the stubble rubbed against me and the next morning i went to take a shit and looked down and saw my whole crotch area was red and irritated. i thought she had given me crabs or something and i was about to go to the clinic but my buddy said, "what are you, retarded? it doesn't get that bad that quick. you're irritated from her shaving and having a little stubble.".
it went away by the next day.
===
i had irritation from too much fucking once and it wouldn't go away.
i thought i had herpes and rushed to the clinic like 5 times in two weeks until the doctor said "PERHAPS IRRITATION WOULD GO AWAY IF YOU WOULD LET GO OFF YOUR GODAMN DICK"
turns out he was right.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Am I the only person NOT to of sept with a hooker!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I popped a really tiny girl in college and I woke up in the morning and had a black cock. No joke. I instantly went from normal college student to black-cock o'reily. Apparently you can break blood vessels in your penis and they bruise something fierce. It happenned to me twice. I never want it to happen again.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You were being kinky and sexing while pooping wern't you?
=============================================================
kinda... yeah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
did it feel good?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you don't need to rat a guy out...most people are very bad liars, especially when confronting someone u live with 24/7, who can decipher what u had for lunch based on the color of ur piss.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul, you never cease to amaze me.
Hidden. I, too broke a toilet, the night I lost my virginity. I also had rug burn on my knees. My mom later pointed out "You are a shameful boy, drake, I KNOW a thing or two about rug burn"
-thanks mom....you slut-
======================================================
the first time i slept with a chick who shaved the pubis region, the stubble rubbed against me and the next morning i went to take a shit and looked down and saw my whole crotch area was red and irritated. i thought she had given me crabs or something and i was about to go to the clinic but my buddy said, "what are you, retarded? it doesn't get that bad that quick. you're irritated from her shaving and having a little stubble.".
it went away by the next day.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad to see you read the rules on being a guy, hidden.
never rat a guy out about sex stuff. Ever. Lest you turn in your balls and exchange them for a purse.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a friend of mine banged another friend of mine's wife
===
did u rat him out?
======================================
i man does not do that to another man.
===
not to start an argument, but u seemed so righteous about cheating on that post of mine. perhaps u were only stirring shit. btw, i did cheat, but we cheated on each other...it's not really cheating if it's an open relationship :-)
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You were being kinky and sexing while pooping wern't you?
=============================================================
kinda... yeah.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"You are a shameful boy, drake, I KNOW a thing or two about rug burn"
===
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a friend of mine banged another friend of mine's wife
===
did u rat him out?
======================================
i man does not do that to another man. it is up to him to tell the truth about what he did. well, the chick should have also told the husband what a whore she was being. she fucked all his friends, pretty much. she tried to get me, but i wouldn't do it.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul, you never cease to amaze me.
Hidden. I, too broke a toilet, the night I lost my virginity. I also had rug burn on my knees. My mom later pointed out "You are a shameful boy, drake, I KNOW a thing or two about rug burn"
-thanks mom....you slut-
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You were being kinky and sexing while pooping wern't you?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a friend of mine banged another friend of mine's wife
===
did u rat him out?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a friend of mine banged another friend of mine's wife on my washing machine and broke it. it wasn't even a year old.
i, on the other hand, broke a toilet from having sex on it. you don't want to hear how it started, either. trust me.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was about 20, i got myself a nice 37 years old.
older women were my fantasy at the time.
i had met her during an office party at the bar in a joint where usually older people hang out.
when we were done doing it in my apartment, she told me i would get it for free cuz she liked me.
"Free what?" i said
I quickly realized she was an escort and really wanted her OUT of my place but I had to chat and be nice and friendly to avoid the fee, you know? so there i was, 20 years old, naive and insecure with a 37 years old hooker, naked on my bed, smoking and talking about her work!!! ARGH!
When she left, I quickly dropped my clothes and gathered my bed sheets to wash them. I was running around naked in my apartment, thinking about AIDS. Then something was wrong. I realized I didn't hear her go all the way down the metallic outisde spiral staircase typical of montreal. I ran toward my window which the curtain wasn't fully covering and realized she was spying on me when I heard her almost stumble down as she ran down the stairs.
it wasn't a very fun night.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as I would love to camp so more on this comfy post I've chosen, I must go. Got a repair man coming to the house.
=====================================================================
porno music started playing in my head as soon as i read this.
are you going to answer the door in a hot little nightie with some stockings?
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as I would love to camp so more on this comfy post I've chosen, I must go. Got a repair man coming to the house.
And before Juls becomes Miss Har Har 2000 with a witty comeback about the 'repair man', no, he's not repairing my vagina, dry-spell status, etc. He's actually fixing my washing machine. AND NO, It didn't break b/c I was sitting on it during the spin cycle.
Drake, find my email, if you're so inclined.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah ninja, I'm doing some of my own research on this one. It's not as easy as peeing in cup, but it's not gonna be a total obliteration of my peen.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you know i will, Juls. i'll get pictures for you.
want to go to Amsterdam with me? we can do copious amounts of drugs while having a big sexy orgy.
i also have a great story for you involving cougars that you may enjoy. maybe we can both find the time to get together this week and i can tell you all about it. i'm trying to fly to your neck of the woods today if i can get my corporate card turned back on. they want 20 grand from me to turn it back on. haha. i'm so lazy with expense reports...
-----------------------------------------
Cougars! Dude why do I feel like this will be awesome in a box of greatness.
You still going to be around over the weekend? I know of places with ladies of low morals and high skirts.
=============================================
i have some great stories of... greatness... but even i am surprised i pulled this one off, especially after my whine-fest to you about losing my mojo. so yes, it will be awesome in a box of greatness.
ladies with low morals and high skirts are just my type, so you know i'll try to make it out.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I really hope you don't get something b/c I like you. Have any leftover antibiotics from a previous illness? START TAKING THEM NOW.
======
I'm popping pills like a rockstar, honey.
I called my urologist(yes I have one) and he referred me to a guy who knows a guy and I am due for an STD test Thursday.. You can never be too careful.
And thanks. You're not so bad yourself.
-----------------------
make another appointment for two weeks and two months. Some things take a while to show up.
Don't let them pull that swab up the pee-hole, there are other ways to test for that nowadays.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Juls, at least I'm not the one with dead squirrels on their living room floor while they eat Thanksgiving dinner.
HILLBILLY.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hidden, did you just ask Juls out on a date? On Uber???
Um, hello, that's what we have the group for. Duh.
======
whoa whoa whoa.....is uber a dating site now?
then hilarity, pending some test results, c'mon down to Erie and we'll paint the town.
------------------
Hahahahaha, 'pending some test results'.
Erie, PA I assume.
======
You assume correctly.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hidden, did you just ask Juls out on a date? On Uber???
Um, hello, that's what we have the group for. Duh.
--------------------------------------
Your jealousy stinks of tuna, much like your crotch.
:-)
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hidden, did you just ask Juls out on a date? On Uber???
Um, hello, that's what we have the group for. Duh.
======
whoa whoa whoa.....is uber a dating site now?
then hilarity, pending some test results, c'mon down to Erie and we'll paint the town.
------------------
Hahahahaha, 'pending some test results'.
Erie, PA I assume.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No not a pain in the arse. Point taken. Anyway you would think a girl doing it would be better than a guy. Man in my bed does have a nice tongue though.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you know i will, Juls. i'll get pictures for you.
want to go to Amsterdam with me? we can do copious amounts of drugs while having a big sexy orgy.
i also have a great story for you involving cougars that you may enjoy. maybe we can both find the time to get together this week and i can tell you all about it. i'm trying to fly to your neck of the woods today if i can get my corporate card turned back on. they want 20 grand from me to turn it back on. haha. i'm so lazy with expense reports...
-----------------------------------------
Cougars! Dude why do I feel like this will be awesome in a box of greatness.
You still going to be around over the weekend? I know of places with ladies of low morals and high skirts.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hidden, did you just ask Juls out on a date? On Uber???
Um, hello, that's what we have the group for. Duh.
======
whoa whoa whoa.....is uber a dating site now?
then hilarity, pending some test results, c'mon down to Erie and we'll paint the town.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a date? did it come off that way? it was meant to be a friendly thing. i don't date.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hidden, did you just ask Juls out on a date? On Uber???
Um, hello, that's what we have the group for. Duh.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"gay, straight, it's all the same nowadays. there's no lines anymore."
-George Carlin
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...The fantasy is over and it was okay, nothing special just a girl giving me head instead of a guy. I wouldn't do it again and Im pretty sure I'm not gay.
The end.
----------------------------
give head=fellate
eat out=cunnalingus
Women cannot recieve head, without a prosthesis, and thats just dumb, and not even remotely hot for either party, why would they do that?
=====
sorta like a girl fucking a girl with a strap-on. Nothing sexy about it.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...The fantasy is over and it was okay, nothing special just a girl giving me head instead of a guy. I wouldn't do it again and Im pretty sure I'm not gay.
The end.
----------------------------
give head=fellate
eat out=cunnalingus
Women cannot recieve head, without a prosthesis, and thats just dumb, and not even remotely hot for either party, why would they do that?
Being a pain in the ass but I am always taken aback when I chick says "getting head"
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you know i will, Juls. i'll get pictures for you.
want to go to Amsterdam with me? we can do copious amounts of drugs while having a big sexy orgy.
i also have a great story for you involving cougars that you may enjoy. maybe we can both find the time to get together this week and i can tell you all about it. i'm trying to fly to your neck of the woods today if i can get my corporate card turned back on. they want 20 grand from me to turn it back on. haha. i'm so lazy with expense reports...
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and neither of us caught std's.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok here is my hooker story.
Hubby and I went to the pub one night. I had always had a threesome fantasy and of course so had he. There was a girl at the bar and we started pashing. Anyway, she would be with me alone but not as a threesome. So we got home horny as all hell and decided to make it happen. Looked in the paper found a hooker who did couples and had her over for an hour. The fantasy is over and it was okay, nothing special just a girl giving me head instead of a guy. I wouldn't do it again and Im pretty sure I'm not gay.
The end.
========
it's the 21st century, gay is an ambiguous title. You're experimental.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in Vegas. These girls are PROS. I was at a club once and some girl kept asking me to 'dance.' Well, after a few drinks we danced. Nothing really hugely sexual, but she asked for money afterwards. I was flabergasted.
======
to DANCE???!?!111
Thats f-ed in the A. That's a cold woman if she can charge a chick.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok here is my hooker story.
Hubby and I went to the pub one night. I had always had a threesome fantasy and of course so had he. There was a girl at the bar and we started pashing. Anyway, she would be with me alone but not as a threesome. So we got home horny as all hell and decided to make it happen. Looked in the paper found a hooker who did couples and had her over for an hour. The fantasy is over and it was okay, nothing special just a girl giving me head instead of a guy. I wouldn't do it again and Im pretty sure I'm not gay.
The end.
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in Vegas. These girls are PROS. I was at a club once and some girl kept asking me to 'dance.' Well, after a few drinks we danced. Nothing really hugely sexual, but she asked for money afterwards. I was flabergasted.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
this has happened twice to a guy i work with.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I actually needed to hear that. There's nothing quite so lonely as when a hooker leaves your house.
Glad I'm not the only one.
===========================================
oh, you're far from being the only one. i think a chick was trying to do that to me this weekend. i'm willing to bet this girl wasn't a real hooker, just an opportunist. hookers don't sleep over. she got drunk because she knew she was going to stay all night.
i know a good deal about hookers because i'm the only guy on my team at work that has not been with several of them. usually us ex military guys have plenty of hooker stories. just not me. i got it for free all the damn time. i'm not saying i wouldn't pay for it, though. i'm stopping be Amsterdam in a couple months on my way back from Afghanistan, so we'll see how that plays out. haha.
-----------------------------------
You must report back the state of thier belly dancers there.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Vyk....I seriously think this girl could have straight out flat-lined me.
and tuts....That's my silver lining right there.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob - I ALWAYS flush them....coherent or not. It's a reflex action anymore.
Hidden - I have heard a few stories from some Vets about hookers and such. Being in the military is like a badge to do anything and get anything. I wish I was a soldier. But alas, I am 4F.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hun, if I were you, I'd definitely take a pain pill when you go for that STD test. I've heard the cotton swab down the pee hole hurts like a sonofabitch.
At least you're being responsible about it though :)
=================================================================
i've had several of those tests. it will bring a tear to the eye of the strongest of men. i got chills just thinking about it again. it's not a regular q-tip. it's a big, long son of a bitch that they ram up there and scrape it around. the male urethra is quite sensitive to that sort of thing.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I'm female and the thought of someone jamming a cotton swab into a guys peener hole gives me the willies.
<shrug> It's not a problem. Hell, it creeps me out so bad I'd offer to hold your hand if I could.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have convinced her that YOU were the whore. Made her pay you and threatened to beat her senseless if she didn't pay up.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Prostitutes would be tested for std's more then the gutter slurry you drag home to your cave on a regular saturday night. You will be fine. Don't listen to them.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
this has happened twice to a guy i work with.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I actually needed to hear that. There's nothing quite so lonely as when a hooker leaves your house.
Glad I'm not the only one.
===========================================
oh, you're far from being the only one. i think a chick was trying to do that to me this weekend. i'm willing to bet this girl wasn't a real hooker, just an opportunist. hookers don't sleep over. she got drunk because she knew she was going to stay all night.
i know a good deal about hookers because i'm the only guy on my team at work that has not been with several of them. usually us ex military guys have plenty of hooker stories. just not me. i got it for free all the damn time. i'm not saying i wouldn't pay for it, though. i'm stopping be Amsterdam in a couple months on my way back from Afghanistan, so we'll see how that plays out. haha.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LOOK FOR THE CONDOM!!!!!!!
I bet she snatched it to make a baby so you have to pay child support.
that would be even worse than having a curable std.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ANYTHING going up the out hole of my peen is disheartening. But I will heed your advice and drug up before hand. Thanks again.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take a percocet and you'll be right as rain.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
time to google "penis pain killers", hilarity.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeeeah, I'm really sorry to be the one to tell you that, but yes they do. If you're getting the full round of tests, then they will most definitely do that one. I think that particular test is for gonorrhea.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HEHE I paid for sex once.
=====
you don't say.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HEHE I paid for sex once.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is that really what they do?
*gulp*
well at least I won't be blindsided by it.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hun, if I were you, I'd definitely take a pain pill when you go for that STD test. I've heard the cotton swab down the pee hole hurts like a sonofabitch.
At least you're being responsible about it though :)
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha, didn't occur to you that she pulled the oldest trick in the book? drugging the client and bluffing that the event actually happened?
=======
The thought had occured to me, but unless she menacingly kicked my dick for an hour, there's no way it could be in the shape it was the next morning.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha, didn't occur to you that she pulled the oldest trick in the book? drugging the client and bluffing that the event actually happened?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I really hope you don't get something b/c I like you. Have any leftover antibiotics from a previous illness? START TAKING THEM NOW.
======
I'm popping pills like a rockstar, honey.
I called my urologist(yes I have one) and he referred me to a guy who knows a guy and I am due for an STD test Thursday.. You can never be too careful.
And thanks. You're not so bad yourself.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I really hope you don't get something b/c I like you. Have any leftover antibiotics from a previous illness? START TAKING THEM NOW.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:17:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I refuse to wash the surface cause there is a perfect imprint of my face on it."
Should have put a picture of that on this post.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
this has happened twice to a guy i work with.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I actually needed to hear that. There's nothing quite so lonely as when a hooker leaves your house.
Glad I'm not the only one.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes!
I have a similiar, but much less humerous story.
...
What can I say? My youth has been misspent in so many ways.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
this has happened twice to a guy i work with.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never would seeing a used condom in your house be such a relief.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
words to live (hopefully) by, bob.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh god, dont get aids.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What will really be unlucky is if I contract something from this girl. She was a professional, man. She was like the James Bond of whores.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unlucky dude.