my attempt at teh flash fiction (489 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by fallout (View user info) at 2007-05-31 04:07:55 EDT
"2 dimes, 3 quarters, a nickel and 4 pennies. One cent short of freedom."
This was the litany which went through my head. Prayer-like, I continued to chant it to myself.
Two dimes, three quarters... Over and over again it cycled.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I knew it was, but I had to calm myself, somehow, someway!
I knew I shouldn't have been out in the caves alone. Especially alone at night. Who is stupid enough to go into an unknown cave alone, at NIGHT even? I SHOULD HAVE TOLD SOMEONE! Should have just waited a few more hours and I would have had company, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!
Need. To. Calm. Myself.
The light broke in the fall, and other than the pain there was no way to gauge how badly I was hurt. All I knew was I was in bad shape.
I hear something in the darkness, it startles me.
The pain spikes as I move again.
It was just me groaning, I know thats all it was.
"Yelled myself hoarse," I thought, "not good at all."
Now I lay at the bottom of the world, leg twisted beneath me, with no way up, no way out, no way to get in touch with anyone, to get help!
Jimmy would know how badly I wanted to go out to the caves. Good old James. Punctual, efficient, steadfast. I always hated him for that. Never one to do something stupid like this, though... After he awoke, James would figure what happened . When we didn't meet for breakfast...
Hopefully it would be before I passed out from the pain, or succumbed to the shock.
The pain had already started to fade, or was it me?
"Two dimes, three quarters, a nickel, 4 pennies. One cent short of freedom..."
User Reviews
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-06-01 02:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-05-31 15:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Also, you go back and forth between writing out the words for numbers and using the numeric symbols. Amateur move there.
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Sorry, I just caught that. Thanks for pointing that out.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-05-31 19:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-05-31 11:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flashfiction is over-rated. However, this is the best one so far.
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Wow, thanks!
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-05-31 15:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Also, you go back and forth between writing out the words for numbers and using the numeric symbols. Amateur move there.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-05-31 15:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto flash fiction -2
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-05-31 13:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh... I'd steer clear of exclamation marks unless REALLY needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-05-31 13:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seems like a good outline that could easily take a lot of detail and fleshing out. Keep on it.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Again.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoopsy, sorry mate.
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Agreed, below. Also, this would have been the perfect place to use the italics and bold options that bart has provided, like a master feeding his slaves a nice meal once every 2 years.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What no1hasdis said...
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-05-31 11:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flashfiction is over-rated. However, this is the best one so far.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-31 11:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Emission Impossible said.
:)
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-05-31 08:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I don't grok what the whole thing is for - obviously the actual story can be told in one sentence. But, I like it overall.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-05-31 07:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Could have used a bit more "oomph." But still good.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-05-31 07:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm liking this Flashfiction. Although I'd like them to be longer, however they wouldn't be flashfiction. Shame the story couldn't continue more.
Catch 22 I suppose.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-31 06:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about what I said!!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-05-31 06:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Drogo said
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-31 04:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it but i kept singing ;
'Half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle, mix it up and make it nice,
Pop goes the weasel!!'
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-05-31 04:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Odd; but I liked it, he's going to die down there :-(