Dear Boston (and secret message which isn't so secret anymore I guess) (1495 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Adam™ (View user info) at 2007-07-24 11:57:22 EDT
Dear Boston,
I'd like to thank you for my wonderful stay in perhaps the most beautiful city in all the US. I had many a great times exploring the multitudes of cultural opportunities, and the 2 bars per person you possess thanks to your large Irish constituency. However, our times were not always for the best, and I'd be dishonest with our relationship and myself if I said otherwise. I'd like to say my departure is a "it's not you it's me" thing, but I won't. Instead I'll tell you all the things I've learned during my stay in Beantown (where oddly enough, they actually REALLY dislike beaners.)
Everyone, from aborted fetuses to the army of fags, possesses at least 15 pieces of official Red Sox gear, which they will wear year round and with increasing intensity as baseball season approaches.
Fenway park is old and busted, seriously get a new fucking stadium.
People come to Fenway even when there is an away game.
There are a lot of openly homosexual people in Boston. Sometimes when you're in a place like Newbury street there are so many I can't believe that they don't break out into a fucking musical.
The city of Cambridge actually has a Socialist party with actual elected officials.
Cambridge city police have fancy BMW motorcycles and always travel around in packs of 4 or more like a little fag biker gang.
The Medford and Brighton police stations are actually next door to Dunkin Donuts.
There is an unofficial law dictating that there must be at least one Dunkin Donuts per city block.
A "regular" at Dunkin means half cup sugar, half cup cream, add coffee to taste. No wonder there are so many land whales in this town.
With Boston College, Boston University, Harvard University, M.IT, University of Massachusetts, Simmons, Northeastern University, and about two dozen other smaller colleges there is a noticeable swell in the population.
This means that traffic is OK in the summer, but this also means that come august/September that you'll have to deal with 1.2 billon obnoxious college kids on the T.
These universities are a beacon for the offspring of the wealthy upperclass. It makes me weep to see people attending undergrad living in apartments downtown that are not only extremely nice and huge, but also rent for >2000 a month.
Everything in Boston is expensive.
Parking garages are out to fuck you over. Their rates are in increments of 20 minutes. After 2.5 hours they charge you a full day, usually on the order of 30-50 bucks.
People in Boston are the worst drivers. EVER. PERIOD.
I used to live in DC and I thought they were bad, then Miami and I thought it couldn't get worse. I was wrong. REALLY WRONG
Boston drivers do not believe in turn signals. EVER
As such the transportation department does not believe in street signs.
Double parking on busy streets during rush hour happens regularly, with that asshole cop getting paid a mandatory overtime to work a construction job not doing anything about it.
Due to this mandatory overtime >75% of the state police force made over 100k last year, some of them over 200k; HORAAAAY for taxpayer rape.
State police wear black knee high boots and those funny pants, combined with a bandolier looking thing and their military style hats they always remind me of the Nazis. Of course instead of speaking German and always acting angry they say Wicked, Pissa, Ca, Paaak, etc.
My car had no dents in it when I came. It has been hit no less than 4 times while parked overnight. In debating whether to sell it before I leave I had a body shop do an estimate and it came to more than the thing is worth.
The Big Dig isn't very impressive, and the Zakim bridge is fucking ugly.
The Middlesex Fells fucking rocks. Hundreds of acres of trails, some pretty kickass mountain bike spots all located a few miles from downtown.
Cape Cod sucks. It's loaded with the stereotypical wealthy new Englanders. The ridiculous part is that it's filled with million dollar beach houses and this incredibly fake "quaint town USA" bullshit. Oh and the lighthouses. Hey everyone come see a bunch of fucking flashlights! It's AWESOME!
Providencetown is the center of the Homo-universe.
Ever since "the departed" came out, every dirtball from southie thinks he's a gangster. I'm voting for whoever proposes to wipe both southie and all of new jersey off the map, but if I had to pick it would definitely be Jersey.
The schedules at bus stops are just for decoration. If a bus ever shows up when it's supposed to, don't get on. They're probably moments away from putting you on "To catch a preadator"
Everyone goes to the beaches around the city. Most people don't know that the water fails basic quality tests more than 50% of the time. Not that it matters because the beaches are rocky and the water is 50 F.
Boston harbor has a layer of sewage sludge over 3 feet thick on it's bottom. It should be all cleared up by 2050.
Landing at Logan has got to be the most terrifying experience for people afraid of flying. As you come in for a landing the plane fly's over the harbor and the runway is at the very edge of the island. Right before you touch down and your ~30 feet up, when you look out the window all you can see is water. Amazingly, on the way back from Santa Fe I saw people fishing when we flew over. I swear I could read their fishfinder from my seat.
The Widener library at Harvard is amazing. Not only is it the second largest in the world (beaten only by the Library of Congress) but it's stunning, like OMG amazing church made from marble and gilded gold amazing. 8 floors, three wings, and two basements make for quite a maze. During my late night studying there I have seen people having a quickie twice, a dude who was either very nervous or just masturbating, and people smoking a fattie.
It's kinda cool to be able to hold books on French poetry that are >200 years old, even if I can't read them.
People on the paths along the river don't understand the concept of not walking three abreast or staying to the right. They get all bent out of shape when you pass them at full speed and only inches away on your bike.
Critical Mass is a fun ride. If you ride, find your local chapter and get the fuck out there.
Kayaking to the Boston Harbor Islands is a lot harder than it seems. To get there you have to pass through shipping lanes, and those ships aren't exactly going to yield to you.
The T is a disgrace. They spent 15 billion on a few underground tunnels when they should have upgraded and expanded the subway system.
Every T station now has automatic machines. They also retained the attendants, who now sit there and do even less.
Toll collectors are part of a union here in Boston. Everyone is in a union, even the people who work at the grocery store. I can't understand why there is so much graft and corruption in the construction industry.
There are two seasons here. The 5 month winter, and the rest of the time.
I guess I should end this list sometime.
So Boston, that's just a few lessons that you've taught me during my brief 2 year tenure. Thanks for the memories, and more importantly thanks for my soon to be shiny new degree. I'd like to tell you that I'll miss you when I move to Florida, but I won't. Maybe when I'm in a place that's twice as big, only ten years old as opposed to 100, and 75% of the price I'm paying now I'll think of you. Or maybe when I'm sitting on a white sandy beach looking out at crystal clear blue water in the 75 degree weather of mid-january I'll wish I were sitting in the freezing cold waiting for the bus that's already 30 minutes late. Maybe, just maybe. But don't count on it. It's more likely that I'll pass the "leaving Massachusetts" sign on I-90 with my middle finger fully extended.
Love Never,
Adam
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-25 17:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Back in my day, we would walk up four flights of stainrs with big blocks of ice, just so we could have a scotch on the rocks, etc...."
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-25 17:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-25 16:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Adam- think about how much water you drink in an average day.
I drink 4 times that amount in brown liquor in a single drinking session and won't even show a buzz- and even after that, I could fuck your sister/wife longer than you ever dreamed of doing.
So pipe down.
===============
you forgot to call me young'n
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-25 16:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Adam- think about how much water you drink in an average day.
I drink 4 times that amount in brown liquor in a single drinking session and won't even show a buzz- and even after that, I could fuck your sister/wife longer than you ever dreamed of doing.
So pipe down.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-25 15:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-25 14:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good post. Too bad I haven't visited my former "home base" in the last couple of years.
I could have taken you out for cocktails and then beaten the shit out of you and left you somewhere on Mass. Ave or in the Charles River when you started annoying the shit out of me...probably sometime around drink number 2
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Considering you're a two beer queer, wouldn't it be hard to kick my ass if you're already passed out and I'm drawing a cock on your face with a sharpie?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-25 14:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good post. Too bad I haven't visited my former "home base" in the last couple of years.
I could have taken you out for cocktails and then beaten the shit out of you and left you somewhere on Mass. Ave or in the Charles River when you started annoying the shit out of me...probably sometime around drink number 2.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-07-25 13:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boston drivers are way worse than NYC drivers, at least in the city most middle aged housewives, tourists, and general fuckwits are too intimidated to drive around. So its more a game of chicken where the loser dies in a firey wreck. Also who decided that Boston SHOULDN'T be organized on any grid system at all? Or that there should be no rhyme or reason for lane changes? or that at any given moment due to lack of street signs you might end up literally in the middle of a construction site?
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Me. My bad. Actually, the English settlers started that clusterfuck with horse/cattle trails and then naming the trails after themselves, where the trails led, and as you get down into Rhode Island random natives. Add in a hot dose of shady construction companies and a street actually bearing my last name and you get what ya got.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-07-25 03:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 02:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hitler has only got one ball, the other is in teh albert hall llalalal lalalalala lala lala la la
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-07-25 02:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you were aware that Hitler based his gestapo uniform off the Mass. state police right?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-24 22:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-24 22:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just went out and bought The Monster Squad on DVD today.
I'd never seen it before.
It was AWESOME. Have a +2 for that.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-07-24 21:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-07-24 19:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-24 15:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd wager you've never been in, around, or heard of Castro District of San Fransico California. You wouldn't think Boston has that many fags after visiting that place.
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Random diversion, but...
I fucking love Castro. Better than overpriced North Beach any day, fags or no fags.
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know how to curse, and ask for beer in spanish. Thats about it.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never been to Boston, but I can assure you that drivers in Mexico City are the absolute worst in the world. Ever. Period. END OF STORY.
STFU. END OF STORY.
Zip! Sssstt! END OF STORY!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have nothing against immigrants. I have things against immigrants who look down on me because I walk around in America where the nationally accepted language is any one of the random uncountable bastardized offshoots of English, and I don't speak their language.
Exscuse me? Did I miss something here? I didn't know it was my job to learn spanish, chinese, russian, arabic, filipino etc... just so I could communicate with you, when you came to my country. How rude of me....
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I see.
I guess the fact that I speak spanish would explain why they don't really bother me.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-07-24 14:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People in Boston are the worst drivers. EVER. PERIOD.
I used to live in DC and I thought they were bad, then Miami and I thought it couldn't get worse. I was wrong. REALLY WRONG
Boston drivers do not believe in turn signals. EVER
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you obviously never go to New York often
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Boston drivers are way worse than NYC drivers, at least in the city most middle aged housewives, tourists, and general fuckwits are too intimidated to drive around. So its more a game of chicken where the loser dies in a firey wreck. Also who decided that Boston SHOULDN'T be organized on any grid system at all? Or that there should be no rhyme or reason for lane changes? or that at any given moment due to lack of street signs you might end up literally in the middle of a construction site?
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have nothing against immigrants. I have things against immigrants who look down on me because I walk around in America where the nationally accepted language is any one of the random uncountable bastardized offshoots of English, and I don't speak their language.
Exscuse me? Did I miss something here? I didn't know it was my job to learn spanish, chinese, russian, arabic, filipino etc... just so I could communicate with you, when you came to my country. How rude of me....
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
weep i meant east
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK EVERYTHING WEST OF LAKE MICHIGAN
ITS ALL RUBISH OVER BY DERE
IVE MAD A COUPLE TWO ER TREE POSTS ABOUT BOSTON AND MY HATRED FOR IT
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
plus I have this whole romantic notion about the inscription on the statue of liberty being the way the US really is.
"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door"
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Here's a hint:
Get your head out of your ass.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-24 16:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-24 15:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd wager you've never been in, around, or heard of Castro District of San Fransico California. You wouldn't think Boston has that many fags after visiting that place.
I agree with Lambchop on the New York thing. Mostly its the Bronx area I've had trouble with. Gunhill Road area is terrible.
As for going to FL. Don't expect fireworks sunshine and kittens dude. Miami is decent, topless beaches are always the win of course. Especially with all the sexy cuban girls in thongs running around. However thats exactly the problem with Miami too. 10,000 "Little Havana" spots. Fuck Cubans man seriously... congratulations on floating over here in a bathtub or tractor tire, or whatever. I seriously despise people who look down on me for not speaking THEIR language in MY country. (P.S. yes it is MY country, I paid for it with monopoly money ^_^)
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Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-07-24 14:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People in Boston are the worst drivers. EVER. PERIOD.
I used to live in DC and I thought they were bad, then Miami and I thought it couldn't get worse. I was wrong. REALLY WRONG
Boston drivers do not believe in turn signals. EVER
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you obviously never go to New York often
=========================
Been to NYC plenty of times. However, I've never driven in it. Always to it or through it. I loves me some public transportation.
As for FL. I'm not going to Miami. I used to live in Ft. Lauderdale but this time I'm aiming for Tampa Bay area. Also, I don't mind immigrants. They work hard and don't ever bother me, plus I have this whole romantic notion about the inscription on the statue of liberty being the way the US really is.
"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door"
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2007-07-24 15:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Medford and Brighton police stations are actually next door to Dunkin Donuts.
___
There's a town about ten minutes from where I live that actually has a city police substation INSIDE the dunkin donuts. No joke.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-24 15:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-24 15:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd wager you've never been in, around, or heard of Castro District of San Fransico California. You wouldn't think Boston has that many fags after visiting that place.
I agree with Lambchop on the New York thing. Mostly its the Bronx area I've had trouble with. Gunhill Road area is terrible.
As for going to FL. Don't expect fireworks sunshine and kittens dude. Miami is decent, topless beaches are always the win of course. Especially with all the sexy cuban girls in thongs running around. However thats exactly the problem with Miami too. 10,000 "Little Havana" spots. Fuck Cubans man seriously... congratulations on floating over here in a bathtub or tractor tire, or whatever. I seriously despise people who look down on me for not speaking THEIR language in MY country. (P.S. yes it is MY country, I paid for it with monopoly money ^_^)
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-07-24 14:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People in Boston are the worst drivers. EVER. PERIOD.
I used to live in DC and I thought they were bad, then Miami and I thought it couldn't get worse. I was wrong. REALLY WRONG
Boston drivers do not believe in turn signals. EVER
---
you obviously never go to New York often
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-07-24 14:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Florida kicks ass.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never been to Boston. It doesn't look like I'm missing much.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-24 10:21:43 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw Miami, move to the west coast bitch
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I'm moving to the west coast of Florida. Tampa. Come visit.
Shamone
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Florida is too hot, it will make my delicate facial features melt :<(
Pacific North West is where the party is! You and a cub scout group can get lost in the woods for days!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamone-AH
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw Miami, move to the west coast bitch
=====================
I'm moving to the west coast of Florida. Tampa. Come visit.
Shamone
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"As you come in for a landing the plane fly's over the harbor and the runway is at the very edge of the island. Right before you touch down and your ~30 feet up, when you look out the window all you can see is water."
Yeah, St. Thomas is like that too. Except the water's a gorgeous bright blue and you think, there are a lot worse places to die.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw Miami, move to the west coast bitch
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-24 13:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm amazed that you can periodically bash fags then talk about how cool it is to see a 200 year old book of French poems while keeping a straight face.
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since when do you need to put objects in your ass to appreciate some culture?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot one.
who up north invented that
F'ING traffic nightmare they
call the rotary??
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did they name a city after that band?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Troof. Every last bit of it.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You appear to have an unhealthy obsession with homosexuals.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm amazed that you can periodically bash fags then talk about how cool it is to see a 200 year old book of French poems while keeping a straight face.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like fun to me. I'll be there in month.
Submitted by chuckdoggydogg (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love the pic
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
then you're smarter than most uberites.
so, fine.
i love you.
now make me a sandwich.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet the email traffic to get that project together was really fascinating and full of great good humour.
get lives, losers.
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Negative. I don't converse with ANYONE from this site, including emails and IM. The only exception is Michael Jackson because he's the fucking king of pop.
Funny enough I put your name in the field because of an uberboard message that said you wished you were as popular as xxx and xxx. I was trying to fufill your lifelong dream! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME BACK!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the whiney list though. like most bostonians you have complaining about shit down to an artform. you're one of them now.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i actually read alot of this (surprisingly).
Boston does have alot of homosexuals. I went to a Sox game last year at the same time they were holding a pride rally. My only problem was that they didn't offer an apologetic wave when they jaywalked. That's all I ask for out of pedestrians, be they homo or hetero. A simple wave, a meak shrug. That way I don't call them names as they stroll in front of my car.
I like my dunkies regular, extra sugar. It's basically steaming-hot coffee ice cream. I make no apologies for this.
It's easier to get to Fenway because of the big dig. Since you seem to hold a grudge against RSN, I guess this isn't a tangible benefit.
Flying into Logan isn't scary...unless you have a small penis with a pair of withered testicles.
Boston drivers do suck. But no more than anywhere on the South Shore. It's a New England condition.
I shrug at everything else.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That about sums up the city.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No email. It grew from opportunity and coincidence.
Funny that Retiredolotl got in on it though.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet the email traffic to get that project together was really fascinating and full of great good humour.
get lives, losers.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-07-24 12:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-07-24 11:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Based soley bringing attention to the MVA shennys.