Baptism of fire (812 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ainkara (View user info) at 2007-09-08 02:29:40 EDT
I had been singing. That was my first mistake. Maybe if I hadn't, they would have looked past the car in the driveway and assumed no one was home. As it was, I had to open the door and talk to them, sighing inwardly about my inability to keep quiet.
"Hi, we're from the Mormon church, and we were wondering if you could spare us a moment to talk. How are you today?"
Damn my polite nature. I said I was well, and settled in the doorway ready for a long speech with lots of nodding and looking interested. I let my mind wander as they were talking. It wasn't hard. The occasional nod was all they seemed to need to keep going.
"Have you heard of Jesus?"
Nod.
"Did you know that he came to die for our sins?"
Nod.
"..."
Nod.
"..."
Nod.
I slowly rose out of my fantasy world as I realised my nods were being greeted by silence. Perhaps I nodded at the wrong time. As I rose further towards the surface however, I realised the suited men were no longer looking at me. They were staring at two newcomers, similarly clothed who had began walking towards my door. The men already at my door turned their backs to me completely.
"Why are you here?" One of them yelled. "This street is ours today"
"I beg to differ old friend," a woman in a pant suit called back. "These souls belong to Jehovah."
A light seemed to leap into her eyes as she spoke, somehow making her a scary sight to behold. Her silent companion stood next to her, a blank look on his face.
A movement bought my eyes back to the men standing near me. They were no longer standing relaxed and calm. Now they were tensed, preparing for whatever would come next.
"A battle then," the mormon said. "For the souls of this street. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, prepare for a world of pain."
The woman narrowed her eyes. "Bring it, bitch."
The world in front of me exploded into action. The men in front of me ran towards the newcomers, who in turn somehow avoided their charge and brought out weapons from their outfits. Once they met I had no way of distinguishing one from the other, as all wore black suits. The woman was the only one I could reliably pick out from the group. A man kicked another in the head, but then himself went down when hit by a length of steel piping. The woman punched but was knocked aside. Metal glinted in between all, and I soon realised that no person was without at least two weapons. A kick to the side and I heard some ribs break, an open handed hit to the nose and I saw blood. Two men were down now, seemingly one from each side as the woman and the other man continued to circle each other.
The man growled, leapt forward and swiped sideways with what looked suspiciously like a sword. The woman laughed. At the last second she lashed out with a sharp edged weapon of her own. She stood still. A smile on her face. The man fell, his head bouncing away from his body.
She turned, blood on her face, her clothes, dripping from her hair, and started to walk towards me.
"Let me tell you of Jehovah," she said with that same smile still fixed on her face.
Nod.
"..."
Nod.
"Miss?"
I looked up, into the eyes of the suited men. There was no blood to be found. Somehow they had survived.
"Oh shit, it wasn't real..." I muttered in disappointment, before I could stop myself.
The man's eyes lit up.
"Yes it was real Miss, and that's the amazing thing about it! You see, when Jesus......"
I sighed inwardly. Settling in for another long speech with lots of nodding. Damn it.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-10 21:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more Mormon battle... They should take down the giant gold statue of Moroni on the top of the enormous temple near 495 and use it as a battering ram at the Kingdom Hall.
That'd be super.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-10 12:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What? Come back after all this time and show no hole?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-10 09:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously man, she's got this little nose and these cheeks that are all cheeky and stuff, all very cute, and then it's like BAM! TITS! BAM! HIPS! WHAM BAMABLOOEY! THIGHS FULL-O-PROMISE! and it's all so good it actually hurts, like, for real. I looked at a picture of Ainkara in a tight top once and got a pain so bad in my lower half like my kidneys burst.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-10 09:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not allowed to visit Ainkara due to the fact that if we met we'd screw so much that we would actually drown in our bodily fluids after 98 hours of messy decadence.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-10 08:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-10 07:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Thunderdome, Bitch!
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-10 06:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
aspiration..
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-09 18:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-09-09 15:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, me liked it
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-09-09 01:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
here's a +2 because everyone else +2'd it.
and i want to fit in. i'd hate to be out of place on an interet forum.
plus it made me giggle.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-09-08 18:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-08 17:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-08 13:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like fuck with Mormons -
---
Jonny Borat ladies and gents.
Sweet story.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2007-09-08 17:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-09-08 14:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-08 13:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like fuck with Mormons - their religions is totally made-up, and they hate it when you point out the obvious fallacies to them.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-08 13:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2007-09-08 05:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My mouth hurts...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That will happen. My wang is huge. Sorry.
Oh, and this was [adjective meaning "awesome"]-tastic.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-09-08 12:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-08 11:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a Tech football game and yet here I am reading uber because I wasn't invited to go with anyone... *cries emo tears*
Never spoke to one of those guys. Yet. They'll probably hunt me down someday.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-09-08 11:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We must stop fighting amongst ourselves.
Remember, in Latin Jehovah begins with an "i".
We can all thank Sean Connery for that. Funny post.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-08 10:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So often this happens on a smaller scale.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-09-08 09:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-08 09:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2007-09-08 08:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-09-08 08:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you :)
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2007-09-08 05:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My AIM's still the same, I just don't go on it very much anymore. I'm downloading it on this computer right now though. At home the internet has been all messed up lately. My mouth hurts...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-08 05:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-09-08 04:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww yeah. That's where it's at. What's your AIM these days? I haven't talked to you in foeva.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2007-09-08 03:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your your your your
doh!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2007-09-08 03:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looks like mojo to me.
i always did enjoy your your writing posts
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-09-08 03:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read it, but "ring of fire" now stuck in head..thanks :)
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-09-08 03:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i smell Muslims
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-08 02:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
I was married to a Mormon, once, which is not interesting, but there you go...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-08 02:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment