What just happened to me is too fucking ridiculous to be fiction (2245 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.68 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (View user info) at 2007-11-22 07:40:17 EST
Not a very catchy title, right? The fact is, this just happened about 15 minutes ago while i was surfing Ubersite and is so fucking ridiculous I just want to get it out there. While there are probably twenty million witty titles available to this post, I'm sort of in too much shock to give it much thought.
Recently, a short term health binge of mine has resulted in me giving off some pretty offensive flatulant exclamations. This is most noticeable when I'm alone in my room at night, as there is nothing else to drown out neither sound nor smell.
To combat the latter problem, I have in my possession a very large candle that i waft around the room to burn away the odour.
Around 15 minutes ago, i was surfing Ubersite and farting (as has been my wont for the last week or so) but this time was different in that i was only wearing a towel, having just gotten out of the shower.
The inquisitive nature of man kicked in as a particularly large gas bubble built up inside me and i had the inspired idea to light the fart as it emerged. I've never actually tried it before, and i thought it seemed like some sort of rite of passage i had to put myself through.
I rotated my whole body back in my chair, my towel dropped to the ground and i brought the candle into position. Unfortunately, the width of the candle meant that the wick had burned a thin cylinder of wax down the middle of the candle and the flame was not openly exposed. To compensate, i tilted the candle towards my body so the flame would be in direct sight of my anus.
Yes, Ubersite, I just poured about a tablespoon of hot wax onto my balloon-knot.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-11-08 18:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
biggest laugh I had today.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-11-27 00:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hawt
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-11-26 21:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, done that.
Without the idiotic moment involving the candlewax, of course.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-26 10:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
Reminds me of a friend in college who tried lighting a fart on fire while wearing Umbros, actually CAUGHT the fart on fire, and the burst of heat melted the fabric onto his scrotum.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-11-25 21:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
moo me baby
moo me good
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-11-25 19:58:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet. I sprayed Chanel No 5 in my left eye at Belk on Friday.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-11-25 19:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if i had a dollar.....
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-25 12:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
_______________
Ahhh yes, the old 'objective rating' of theUniter.
Let me see what deserves a +2 from your highness... obviously only inspired works of genius, of course.
Like this, for example;
http://www.ubersite.com/m/101643
or this;
http://www.ubersite.com/m/101634
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, you're kind of a fucking idiot, huh?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-25 18:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the oldsters have been popping up more often of late.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-11-25 15:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-11-25 12:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by pbnjams (user info) at 2007-11-25 05:24:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me regret (partially) my long hiatus. Sorry 'bout the chocolate starfish, though.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-25 03:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-11-25 01:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man, you brought some olde skool names out with this post, well done
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-11-24 16:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate it when that happens.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2007-11-24 14:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to log in after god knows how many months JUST to rate this. Good God, that's the most awesome thing I ever heard.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-11-24 12:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You could just pour more wax on the hair and rip it all out.
It'll save you from those bothersome dingleberries while you're at it.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-23 21:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha i just started an argument on an anti-whaling site and they've all gone fucking NUTS! Weeeeee
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-11-23 14:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-22 07:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's all stuck in my fucking ass-hair. I'm gonna go have another shower and cry.
===
NAIR!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-11-23 14:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's gonna have to be a really hot shower. You can't just WASH that shit out of your ass hair, you have to MELT it out, or pull it out and bring a largish chunk of assflesh, asshair, ballsack, and the brownstained skin from around your anus with it. I don't envy you.
---------
ewwww
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-23 13:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Voom
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-11-23 12:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's best to do it with jeans on
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-11-23 11:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
heh. a cousin of mine who's about fourteen burned his nutsack trying to do the same thing. at least he was clothed, though
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-11-23 07:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-11-23 06:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Million to one shot, doc, a million to one
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-11-23 02:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CouldNotThinkOfAName (user info) at 2007-11-22 23:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sure you havn't done this before?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-11-22 20:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ow.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2007-11-22 19:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could not have predicted that ending. I wish I was as unprectible in the bedroom.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-22 18:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-22 18:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What was the first thing that went through your head upon involuntary waxing of your anus?
____
A flashback to my stint in prison.
But really, pure mindless panic. I dropped the candle to the floor and screamed out some absolute gibberish that started as "Motherfucker" but, about halfway, turned into "bum ba dooooooo ow fuck chaaaaa chaaaaa" while i skipped around and held my buttcheeks apart. I then tried to "fan" the heat by manually pulling my buttcheeks open and closed really fast but no success. By then the pain had died a bit so i sat down and clicked the "submit" button.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-22 18:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What was the first thing that went through your head upon involuntary waxing of your anus?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-11-22 18:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE IDEA GOOD CALL
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-11-22 17:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been cooking and drinking for four hours. +2s for all.
ps, didn't read it.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-11-22 16:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaa
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-22 12:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
o god
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-11-22 12:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YEEEAAAOOOOOOWCH!
Submitted by ShimishSmortion (user info) at 2007-11-22 12:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-11-22 12:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tard.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-22 12:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On a lighter note, you can tell your sex partner you "did it just for them" and ask for his/her opinion on whether or not to bleach it now, and they should inspect it closely...then fart.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-11-22 12:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
....!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-22 11:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-22 11:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It'll wear off. Like Krazy Glue does
--
You Krazy Glued your ass?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-22 11:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It'll wear off. Like Krazy Glue does.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-11-22 11:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you...
Make me squeak like an asthmatic dolphin on helium laughing.
So did ya light the fart or did ya seal it in with the wax?
Hrm... I wonder if you could have blown a bubble while the wax was still liquid and had it trapped for eternity.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-11-22 11:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haaaah
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-11-22 10:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Had you made this into a video, and utub'd it, you'd be famous now....
Next generations depend on us multiplying this kind of wisdom.</crap>
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-11-22 10:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, just... dude
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-11-22 10:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this happens to scruggs all the time, but he does it on PURPOSE
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-22 10:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-11-22 10:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sympathy wince*
Submitted by oapa (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lmao
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss me too, Dan. I was awesome. :(
Hi!!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Zombie Jesus
P.S. Miss you Lynnie!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
is asshair gross?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-11-22 09:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's gonna have to be a really hot shower. You can't just WASH that shit out of your ass hair, you have to MELT it out, or pull it out and bring a largish chunk of assflesh, asshair, ballsack, and the brownstained skin from around your anus with it. I don't envy you.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*cringe*
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Ouch
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
epic fail.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually, yes. Ok the flirting stops here.
From now on, no more whoring.
And Hurty, you are so off my Xmas card list.
--
What have you guys done whilst I've been on lunch? Shit now I may actually have to get up from behind by computer and find a real girl. Booo and shame on you all.
Ouch for this.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
at least you have the balls to post about it
Submitted by OscarZAcosta (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rub some coke into your foreskin and get ya bitch to lick it off
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Snap out of it Orphelia I can see your snatch.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I know. Oh well. Never mind. This is my new style of review -
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Like anyones gonna talk to you anymore.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No no no, Em. I will be the model of good behaviour from now on. Dull, boring but well behaved.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Orphelia, lets faace it, im a stud and you are a slag, lets get it on baby.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ouch.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually, yes. Ok the flirting stops here.
From now on, no more whoring.
And Hurty, you are so off my Xmas card list.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the stupidity of youth?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Orphelia, ubers biggest whore.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ouch!
So anyway, you were naked... hehe
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy +2.
Put some Veet on it...
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-11-22 08:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well that was silly.
Submitted by TheDoctor (user info) at 2007-11-22 07:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a cream for that...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-22 07:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's all stuck in my fucking ass-hair. I'm gonna go have another shower and cry.