what would you do? (1105 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.82 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by loki (View user info) at 2008-04-08 19:19:29 EDT
You decide that you have too much junk on your keys so you remove your gym membership card and locker key. The reason they were on your key ring is because of the countless times you arrived at the gym sans membership card and locker key. This time though you're going to put one over on yourself and make a whole separate set of keys specifically for taking to the gym. No more stern looks from the desk troll who admonishes you for not bringing your gym card and acts like letting you in without it is some kind of homeland security violation that is going to open the gym up to possible terrorist attack or worse, people working out without paying the exorbitant $92 a month for the privilege.
You find a spare house and Jeep key so you're all set. You just need something to hold them all together. You rummage through the junk drawer in the kitchen and discover a lanyard. You notice that the lanyard has a flimsy plastic clip on the end where a nice sturdy metal one should go. You briefly consider putting the keys on a carabineer, but decide to just use the lanyard as is for now.
Then you leave for the gym. You arrive at approximately 6 pm which means that the main parking lot is guaranteed to be full and even if it isn't you despise having to wade through the mess of people hawking for parking spaces near the gym just so they can go inside and run on a treadmill. So you park in the overflow lot and make the half block hike to the gym with your carefully assembled lanyard key chain with the flimsy plastic clip on it.
You know you must not swing said lanyard around and around like a coach until the string is wound around your finger and then swing it back around the other way in that satisfying display of circling keys. Oh no you absolutely cannot swing the lanyard. No matter how badly you desire it, you CANNOT SWING THE LANYARD WITH THE FLIMSY PLASTIC CLIP HOLDING YOUR KEYS.
Given that Newton's second law of motion states that the acceleration generated by a moving object is given by taking the force of the object and dividing it by the object's mass. And given that the acceleration of an object swinging in a circle around a vertical axis is equal to the velocity squared divided by the position vector....
How would you get your Jeep key out from under a 5 series BMW?
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-04-10 17:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
son of a BITCH
After all this I took the wrong keys to the gym yesterday and once again had to con my way past the front desk. I can't win.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-09 21:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Child labour. Solves everything.
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-04-09 17:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would take my cold dead hands and choke the shit out of you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-09 17:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Take a bazooka...wipe out everyone- starting at your office because we know they all bug the shit out of you - , move to the gym, do the same...and then turn it on yourself.
I'll take care of your dogs.
Everyone is happy. the end.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-09 17:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dial 911.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-09 17:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thats why God/Buddha/Zoroaster/Trees invented/evolved sticks.
Get on the ground and poke around...not the first time youve been told that Im sure.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-04-09 15:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brute force. How else?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-04-09 14:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-09 07:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be driving the BMW not the fucking Jeep!
God I love my BMW.
-----
It loves you too. Deeply, completely, utterly, unswervingly, and most of all unduly expensively. The guy who mows my lawn in the summer has a 2007 charcoal-grey 750i. True story.
As to the keys; get a broomstick, a coathanger, some tape, and couple-three Jeep buddies. Unfold the coathanger and tape it to the brromstick to make a long hook. You and your buddies grab the fenderwells on one side, and just tip the bimmer up onto it's side, then use the hook to get the keys before the car falls over again. Drive away quickly.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-09 08:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Use your jeep to tow the BMW out of the way.
Oh wait, I guess that wouldn't work, in that case, set off the Beamers car alarm and wait it out.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-04-09 08:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who cares? The real issue at hand: Can you believe they're charging these women with actual crimes? http://www.nbc11.com/slideshow/news/15713516/detail.html They're goddamn dream-makers! The bitches that should be charged are my 3rd grade teacher who was racist and made me lose a spelling bee by saying the word "rodeo" as row-day-oh (Fucking cunt, what inner city 3rd graders on the East Coast have heard of Rowdayoh Drive? I knew what a fucking rodeo with cowboys and shit was, though.) and that bitch METCO Director that convinced my mother I needed to go to summer school when I got a D one semester in English (Yeah, 3 quarters bangin' in the honor roll across the board and ONE teacher gets wise to my bullshit for the last quarter, but still passes me and summer school in shitty Boston Public Schools was an appropriate SOLUTION?).
Yet in Florida, hot teachers in their 20's are bangin' dudes and even the older broad was buyin' booze and givin' it up to whoever would hit it in the shower!
What the fuck was this post about?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-04-09 07:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be driving the BMW not the fucking Jeep!
God I love my BMW.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-09 04:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am loving the name JollyDodger!
Submitted by jollydodger (user info) at 2008-04-09 03:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-09 03:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
id shit in bubbas mouth
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-09 02:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-08 20:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You mean "how do I get this BMW off my keys?"
As I see it, you have three options
Saw. Just cut away th car until you can safely and easily reach your keys.
Hammer. Kill the jerk who put his car on your keys, and move it with his.
Cake. Make the big, strong man a cake, so he'll like you, and marry you, and buy you pretty things that will make you look nice, but not too slutty. More flys with honey, right?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-09 02:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I wouldn't ask Uber for advice, that's for certain.
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-04-09 01:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-04-08 21:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Explosives.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-04-08 21:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
With a stick or just reach for em...
Chinese Snakehead...somewhat decomposed.
Submitted by jasumthin (user info) at 2008-04-08 21:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
too manu sentences starting with "you". interesting idea, just focus on sentence structure
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-04-08 21:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must have that solar battery charger. That thing out at Ocracoke would definitely work.
anyone know what this nasty creature is: http://www.nbc11.com/slideshow/news/15780864/detail.html
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-08 21:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
UBERSITE IS A SERIOUS WRITERS FORUM.
=======================
Yes. Look here--> http://www.ubersite.com/u/Doodles
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-08 20:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You mean "how do I get this BMW off my keys?"
As I see it, you have three options
Saw. Just cut away th car until you can safely and easily reach your keys.
Hammer. Kill the jerk who put his car on your keys, and move it with his.
Cake. Make the big, strong man a cake, so he'll like you, and marry you, and buy you pretty things that will make you look nice, but not too slutty. More flys with honey, right?
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
easy. bounce on the bumper, wait for the screaming frenetic owner to come out and move the c
hahahahaha good one AND true!
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
UBERSITE IS A SERIOUS WRITERS FORUM.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, and Loki - the other day I saw a new piece of camping equipment and thought you'd love it.
(*%$&(*& the link is too long to work
Go search costco.com for Coleman Solar Charger,CL-1200 Kit by ICP Solar
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was expecting the rest of the post to read: ... for a Klondike bar.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loki=auto+2
Submitted by jigglypuff (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did chuckle at the punchline!
A stick? Use the lanyard as some kind of laso?
I'd just squeeze myself under the car until I could reach the keys!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-04-08 19:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
easy. bounce on the bumper, wait for the screaming frenetic owner to come out and move the car.