Black Pink Butterfly (646 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.27 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <monkeylove.at.easy.com> (View user info) at 2008-05-04 14:25:28 EDT
It started with a smile. We like to think that smiling symbolizes happiness; joy. The wolf smiles before dinner. Its smile promises rent flesh and crimson savagery. This is the story of a red hood. I am the wolf. My actions have precluded any further meaning of time. And so, after this moment, now that moment, nothing else matters. Let me tell you what did matter. Love mattered. Early on a Summer day, the wind stirring the trees mattered. My lips against hers mattered. I was never very romantic, but I could still feel something on those days. It was pure, not a fake red rose, nor cheap white wine. It was an instant beyond the phony laughter and the trite conversation. It is our great curse that a single moment can hold more meaning than any day, any month, any year. We dedicate ourselves to those perfect seconds. The dedications are our poetry, our songs, our tears. How bittersweet it is.
In any case, she mattered. Every freckle on her face mattered. You might think that you understand, but you don't. We met in the rain, underneath the slight awning of a bus stop. We huddled together, seeking respite from the falling moisture. Just the two of us there, it was more like respite from the world. It began with a smile, that was it.
That was everything.
There was something else that mattered: fear. Perhaps it didn't actually matter, but it was important. Semantics aside, fear is the antithesis of love. Hate may be the obvious choice, but it cannot oppose love. Hate is frivolous and meaningless. It's misdirected passion on the path of futility. Fear is much more powerful. Fear is the only emotion that can dare to challenge love. It drags at love at all times, seeking to bring it to waste within the mire. This is our true weakness. I feared the cold when she was gone. I feared fading. I was greedy for my precious moments. I only mention this because I want you to understand that this was not perfect bliss. It was a slight departure from a flawless romantic fantasy.
It ended where it began, at that same rainy bus stop. As every moment from the end of time reaches towards me, I find the middle has faded. It ended with a kiss. Our lips were parted by the car slamming into her body, throwing me aside. I can still see her eyes, they flash as she's ripped away. She was gone before I made it to her crumpled body. Her limbs were twisted, but her face pointed at the clouds. This was all that was left to me. The blood dripping from the car pooled into her parted lips. One last smile. What did this one mean? I walked home afterwards, my fists shaking under the relentless sky. I wondered what she was thinking about as finality embraced her. I like to imagine the last thought before death stretching to infinity. Immortality in a day-dream. This is mine. I've severed this existence with the question at the end of a rope. There is no answer, just a fading echo, and a smile.
User Reviews
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-12 10:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-12 15:44:26 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://tsyni.spaces.live.com/
Asshole.
===============
Fuck sake...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-12 10:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://tsyni.spaces.live.com/
Asshole.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-06 05:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This line was lovely:
'It is our great curse that a single moment can hold more meaning than any day, any month, any year. We dedicate ourselves to those perfect seconds.'
* * *
The death of a beloved is a very powerful moment in any fiction. It takes a second for them to die, but a lifetime for the bereaved to recover from it...it fairly chokes me up if done well.
I think you made a pretty good stab at it but in the end I didn't really feel much sympathy for the dead girl or the narrator. Thats something that might need more attention: making it more believable.
* * *
That is being very harsh though as this was overall quality.
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-06 03:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks HurtByTheSon
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-06 03:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh. What shadow said.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-05 22:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-05 13:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Shadow. Appreciated, I got the impression Ubers attention span was limited to a certain extent. So I did try and wrap this up rather quickly. Ratings are by the by, im sure some people give minus ratings no matter what.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
man do I hate to ruin a +2 streak, but I feel like you're the kinda guy who likes honesty, so I feel compelled.
The imagery was great, though wording was wonky at times: "Love mattered. Early on a Summer day, the wind stirring the trees mattered. My lips against hers mattered. I was never very romantic," I had to chew the "wind stirring the trees mattered" a few times before swallowing.
The real problem I see is that it ended too curtly, and too conveniently. And by the way, who the hell walks home after their lover gets creamed by a car? If he were really in love with her, the paramedics would have pulled him away from her shattered corpse and possibly detained him in the hospital psyche ward until somebody came to retrieve him. At the very least, a police officer would have given the poor schmuck a ride home.
Which is not to say that your piece sucked, but it felt rushed start to end, as if written in just a few minutes, and the feel spins between "predator stalking Red Riding Hood" to "suicidal lover spurned by fate." In other words, the flow was off.
Write more, you can do better.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick of all Astley.
Submitted by Toshi (user info) at 2008-05-05 12:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Something tells me I picked the wrong time to post this.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-05-05 03:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed this
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-04 15:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-04 15:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She's fucking Roger in the afterlife
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116480
Very nice