Warm Springs (862 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.65 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (View user info) at 2008-05-16 06:13:57 EDT
If you asked a local how a town so evidently slap-bang in the middle of the God's own desert got a name like "Warm Springs", he probably wouldn't answer.
Nah, he'd probably spit into the dust that billowed up the main street every midday and point lazily at the old bordello up the street. If you could make it out through the grime and chipped paint, that's what it said; right across the front.
If you got one of the less drunk locals to open up a bit they'd tell you that up until that whorehouse opened Warm Springs didn't even have a name. It sure as shit didn't appear on maps, depressing little frontier speck that it was. That's if you could get one of the less drunk locals to open up a bit, which you couldn't.
To the East was a single cart track, shooting off into the horizon straight and thin like it just wanted to get outta there. That track went through about 5 other places like Warm Springs before it arrived at a place you'd even bother calling a hellhole.
To the West, North and South there "wasn't even nuthin'", a local may tell you... if he could be bothered. Which he couldn't.
And so it was on one of those never-ending July days that a little speck of dust on the Western horizon turned, over the course of a few hours, into the shape of a man.
With the sun oozing between the abandoned shop-fronts like syrup, you'll forgive the residents of Warm Springs for not coming out and greeting the stranger.
It was unusual, but not unheard of, for a stranger to come from the West. Usually they came in crusted in dirt and blood, feet worn down to stumps, hollering about how their horse hit a shallow ditch and broke its neck. The stranger'd crawl onto the main drag and gasp for water until Fat Bill the bartender would huff, shrug his shoulders and drag the poor soul out of sight.
"He dead already" was what Fat Bill would say, if he ever said anything.
But when this stranger wandered into town, his tall black boots shone like he'd spent the day trotting on floorboards, not slogging over dead sand. His black outfit was punctuated by the sagging chain of an offensively large silver pocket watch.
In Warm Springs, a man had once disappeared because he had a belt that wasn't broke. A big hunkin' piece of silver like that made more than a few eyebrows go up, and more than a few hands reach for holsters.
Two men walked out onto the porch that swung in a low ring around Warm Springs' only bar and eyed the stranger up. Normal enough lookin' fella if you ignore the clothes and how tall he was.
One of the men spat into the dust and stepped out of the shade, slowly bringing his hat up onto his head.
The stranger reached down towards his belt and the man instinctively went for his gun.
The stranger looked up, and the man watched as he undid his belt and let his pants fall to the dirt. The man looked back at his friend, his right eyebrow arched mighty high.
He didn't have time to look back. With a forceful thud that seemed to crack the ground's burnt crust, a fleshy tube shot from the strangers crotch into the middle of the street. The tube glistened and coiled as it buried deep under ground then shot back upwards with a devastating snapping sound.
The tube wrapped tightly around the man's neck before several long, bone like barbs pierced the man's neck. He fell to the ground, gurgling.
His friend almost had time to get his gun out before an orifice opened at the end of the possessed, fleshy protuberance and spat a huge ball of white liquid over his face.
Screams and gunshots echoed through Warm Springs as the stranger walked from building to building. Bullets ripped through his dark clothing but seemed to have no other effect. As the day progressed, the screams of anger turned to screams of agony.
When the Western horizon turned a mottled purple and the first stars appeared, there were no screams left.
And that's how my great-grandfather's magic cock took over the old West.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-01 17:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-07-01 17:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
encore!
Submitted by ILL34GL3 (user info) at 2008-06-24 06:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Writing is fun sometimes
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-19 22:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should retaliate, but i would give the same rating if it were a soccer post, so...i forgive you
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116824
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-17 01:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Before writing his novel, "A Handful of Dust," Evelyn Waugh had in his head, initially, one scene: A guy being held captive in the Amazon jungle being forced to read Charles Dickens to some crazy guy for the rest of his life. The rest of the novel would be: How did this unfortunate fellow get in this lamentable situation?
Or, something like that.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-05-16 23:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the last line alone, because you kept the adjective simple and relatively open to interpretation with magic.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-16 20:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just so you know I always planned to end it like that. That was the starting premise before i wrote anything.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-05-16 19:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Kinda petered out at the end there, but an overall well-written piece.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-05-16 19:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice final line in particular
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-16 16:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-05-16 13:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gurgling made me laugh
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i wish you hadn't given up...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was fucking ridiculous
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's like you got bored and made it into a joke.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good and funny
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd forgotten how good you are.
apart from the shitty ending of course.
that's it i'm inspired!
I TOO am going to TAKE BACK UBER.
until i get stoned and then start fucking around of course.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm single-handedly returning Ubersite to the glorious Serious Writer's Forum that it once was.
---------
I guess you have to start somewhere.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: You know what?
Grampa: What?
Homer: We're both screw-ups.
Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MORE
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-05-16 09:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 09:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-05-16 09:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm hearing a metal version of "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" playing in my head.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why not
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very Dusk till Dawn... You thought it was one kind of story and it turned out to be an entirely different kind of story.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:19:21 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm single-handedly returning Ubersite to the glorious Serious Writer's Forum that it once was.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I guess that means I am banned.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm single-handedly returning Ubersite to the glorious Serious Writer's Forum that it once was.