OMG we're all going to DIE (1299 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.63 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OathMeal (View user info) at 2008-05-30 11:08:14 EDT
___
{o,o}
|)__)
-"-"-
O RLY
Yes, rly.
You see, right now there is an asteroid about as large as a stadium that is in an orbit that intersects that of our own Earth. The asteroid has been dubbed, appropriately, Apophis - named after an ancient Egyptian god of death and chaos.
Yes I'm serious and you can read more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/99942_Apophis
[Heh. 'Apophis'. I'd say it sounds like a good name for a death metal band but it really doesn't. Not like Suffocate Faster or Burnt Church. Or Goatchrist. Goatchrist FTW.]
Anyway, here's the gist: in 2004 there was some *slight* concern about the possibility of this asteroid coming into close enough proximity to the earth that it would be pulled into an earth-collision flightpath that would decimate us and effectively destroy all life on earth.
"OMG Oathmealz! How is it that an asteroid could pwn us so easily?!"
Many reasons. The most pressing of which involve the changes in tilt of our magnetic axes (which determine weather patterns and seasons) and ultra-destructive changes in our atmosphere as a result of such a cataclysmic explosion (think nuclear winter times 50).
But is it time to start organizing massive orgies and planning for the demise of humanity as we know it?
No. Because it's up to UBERSITE to stop this.
You see, in 2029, Apophis' will be visiting us again and at that time there is going to be an opportunity for us to alter the course of this asteroid in hopes that on it's NEXT return, in 2037, will be nonlethal.
And so the question is: how do we stop it?
Is it so simple as sending a bunch of V2 rockets up en masse and hoping the resulting damage will be enough to break the asteroid into particles small enough that they burn up on their entrance into our atmosphere? Sounds iffy.
There is also a thought about attaching a huge solar sail anchored to the asteroids center which would use the sun's energy to 'tow' the asteroid out of it's intended orbit and away from a course that would impact us.
Still further we consider this idea (the best idea yet, I think): we pilot a supermassive spacecraft (we're talking kilotons) to fly just beside the asteroid...(kind of like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future's opening scene where he's riding his skateboard while holding onto a moving truck) and align the spacecraft's positioning so that the GRAVITY of the spacecraft slowly pulls the asteroid out of it's dangerous orbit.
There are many, many ideas but the best idea, I SAY, is probably stewing in the minds of folks like you. Idiotic, mouthbreathing savants whose expertise lies in creativity bashing people and detailing the selling points of vicious emu dumps.
So what say you? What are we to do about this potential threat to the whole of mankind?
User Reviews
Submitted by kristy (user info) at 2008-06-08 16:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-01 13:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck off
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-01 10:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-06-01 10:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
show me the money ftw.
______________
black sheep wall
breathe deep
power overwhelming
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-06-01 10:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
show me the money ftw.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-01 10:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always hated vespene gas. All the cool stuff required it and I never had enough.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-06-01 06:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So?
Submitted by Jester_and_Traxx (user info) at 2008-05-31 17:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JESTER: Starcraft ftw!
TRAXX: but ur bad...
JESTER: Says the kid who thinks the premise of the game is to play fastest money possible maps and flood hydralisks
TRAXX: pwnz u just fine n00b lmaoz
JESTER: . . .
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-05-31 16:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pic.
and it doesn't matter because we're all going to die in 2012 anyway.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-31 15:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Launching missiles to blow it up won't work, unless your goal is to create a worldwide radioactive zombie army.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-31 14:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Additional observations of the trajectory of Apophis revealed the keyhole would likely be missed, and on August 5, 2006 Apophis was lowered to a Level 0 on the Torino Scale. As of October 19, 2006, the impact probability for April 13, 2036, was calculated as 1 in 45,000. An additional impact date in 2037 was also identified; the impact probability for that encounter was calculated as 1 in 12.3 million.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-31 13:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-31 05:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whatever the answer, I am sure William 'Refrigerator' Perry has something to do with it.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-05-31 04:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OATSEY FUCKEN
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-05-30 16:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the zombies will have long since killed us by then.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-30 16:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-30 13:31:59 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant Yosemite's super volcano, not Mount St. Helens.
Although we probably won't care about details when we're sucking on volcanic ash and sulfur.
Good times.
========
You mean Yellowstone. There's a 2nd one not far from Yosemite, called Long Valley Caldera, but isn't even half as large.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-30 16:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant Yosemite's super volcano, not Mount St. Helens.
Although we probably won't care about details when we're sucking on volcanic ash and sulfur.
Good times.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-30 15:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-30 10:28:56 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well no shit we're all going to die.
i read nothing other than the title. and the neat little owl. someone want to give me a two sentence synopsis of what this post was about?
====
Didn't read it either, but I know about the asteroid already.
It's supposed to miss us on April 13, 2029 (just barely), then I believe earth's gravitational pull will force another go around with the bastard on April 13, twenty thirty...something, when it will be much more likely to hit us.
Anyways, if it does hit us, think dinosaurs.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-30 15:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not if Mount St. Helens, biological weapons, nuclear war, a black hole, a gamma ray burst, or global warming destroy us first.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-30 15:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Cosmo Kramer would be alright, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBcskBB1eNs
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-30 15:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nah...he's all fluff, no substance.
Warren Buffett maybe. Hell, I'd settle for Jimmy Buffett at this point.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wannabe Jim Kramer below.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I was misquoted.
It should have read "I could pay off my mortgage THREE times over and still have some cash left, if I wanted".
Now pipe down, Pipsqueak.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Fuck off Shlongy even if you DO have the money you claim to have, you are far to much of a fucking moron to know how to manage it correctly.
Mr. "I could pay off my mortgage right now if I wanted"
Go play golf, geezer.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have to worry about rent or gas prices or giving birth to my ex's 9-headed demonic love child.
______________________
But I thought *I* was the da...
Nevermind.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That'd be great if you died.
I have too much money to die from a fucking asteroid.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite frankly, if an asteroid hit the earth right now, it would be sweet. Then I wouldn't have to worry about rent or gas prices or giving birth to my ex's 9-headed demonic love child.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We're all dying anyway.
You're dying right now as you read this.
I'm dying as I'm writing it.
Live in the now. Go tell someone you love them. Give a stranger a hug.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by "Oathmean, or whatever alteriffic name he's using today":
on: today dumbass, sometime earlier, look it up yourself....
You mean to say that we're supposed to just sit around while Method's Alter Army takes over the planet?
------------------------------------------------------
Note that I mentioned we weren't to do anything about an "intergalactic" threat, Method's alter army is merely an intercontintental, or at worst, a global threat.
But then again so is yours.
I propose (for the 100th time) forced sterilization of all gingers, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, age, or whatever. NO MORE GINGER BABIES!!!!!
Submitted by Campy (user info) at 2008-05-30 14:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Send a team of ostentatious drilling experts to the comet via rocket and have them drill to the center and place a nuclear device in the hole, then get the hell outta Dodge and blow that mother, thus saving the planet. In the unfortunate event that the remote detonating device is damaged or otherwise rendered useless, one of them would have to stay behind in an act of ultimate bad assness and sacrifice their life for the sake of humanity by detonating the device manually.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-30 13:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well no shit we're all going to die.
i read nothing other than the title. and the neat little owl. someone want to give me a two sentence synopsis of what this post was about?
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-30 13:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is God's punishment for legalizing gay marriage.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-30 13:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-30 13:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You NEVER EVER DO ANYTHING about intergalactic threats.
______________
You mean to say that we're supposed to just sit around while Method's Alter Army takes over the planet?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-30 13:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All options are wrong. You NEVER EVER DO ANYTHING about intergalactic threats. They are ALL 1 BAJILLION times infinity more powerful than us, and any time the human race tries to avert a disaster, we just end up fucking things up even worse than what the natural disaster itself would have done.
The only correct solution to this problem is to ignore it all together.
Don't worry about paying me for my help, I do this for free every day.
Bottom line: Intergalactic objects < Earth (or whichever symbol represents "greater than")
Comets FTW.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.sledgehammertotheface.com/kick.gif
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let loose a monkey with Ebola for hysteria. Post more cock sock for hysterical.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
GODDAMNIT GC I'M TRYING TO CREATE MASS HYSTERIA HERE AND YOU'RE RUINING IT
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The probability of impact in 2036 is 1/45000 anyway.
NASA discounts the schoolboy mentioned by Yozz.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oops they adjusted it later.
390 m, and mass to 7.9×1010 kg.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This asteroid isn't big enough to cause "global death"
http://www.lpl.arizona.edu/impacteffects/ Take this basic calculator, put yourself 200 miles from the impact, and calcuate it based off the information contained in Wikipedia:
270m in diameter. assume porous rock.
speed 30 km/s
45 degree impact angle, etc etc.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think the bugger is gonna hit in 2030-something. It's that massive, whatever we undertake is futile...We have no choice but make sure our eggs are not in just 1 basket, before that.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Linus - that is one of thousands of potential outcomes.
If the asteroid enters the gravitational 'keyhole' they mention, the results would be catastrophic to say the least.
The possibility of global death is certain.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-05-30 12:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Any impact would be extremely detrimental to an area of thousands of square kilometres, but would be unlikely to have long-lasting global effects, such as the initiation of an impact winter."
From the Wikipedia article linked.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/99942_Apophis#Possible_impact_effects)
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. Second link should be http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/04/16/2218782.htm
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oathmeal, you and I are finally on the same page. Let me explain.
First, let me state very clearly that I am NOT a conspiracy theorist (ETS ETS!). The reason being that I do not believe that it is possible for a large group of people to be sufficiently coordinated. My thoughts on this can be summed up here - http://www.despair.com/idiocy.html
However, I began having some suspicions about the whole "end of Earth" scenario when we started getting all kinds of movies, articles, books, etc. on the subject. It almost seems that we are being mentally prepared for this certain occurence. ("Can you hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability."). Your little (cosmically, speaking) asteroid was the lynchpin in my mind that tied all of this together. You see, NASA incorrectly (Now I say INTENTIONALLY) estimated the chances of that motherfucker wiping us out. See http://www.despair.com/idiocy.html
So, Oathy, you are right. We are ALL going to die - PROBABLY at the hands of this fucking space rock.
P.S. There is no God - so don't bother praying.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
o!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
launch scruggs into space and have him put on a concert on the asteroid
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw, come on, why fight it? We've had a good run.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wormwood_%28star%29#Wormwood_in_the_Bible
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Launch Bubba's fat piece of shit wife in a slingshot at the asteroid.
Her moniker "Devourer of Planets" isn't without merit, after all
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what you're talking about, so I shall leave this 2+ just incase it was important or profound.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not a chance Fuck face
Submitted by centaur (user info) at 2008-05-30 11:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAT HEAT HEAT