Central Vac (599 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.3 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nick (View user info) at 2008-07-10 17:29:31 EDT
With all the rain we've been having, my wife and I found ourselves stuck indoors running out of things to do. She decided to do a spring cleaning in the summer. The fact that she did a spring cleaning two months ago didn't deter her.
Out came the central vacuum and the ladder. My job was to hold the vacuum hose while she sucked the dust off all the stupid knick-knacks she has on the plant shelves.
While providing support for my wife a bubble of gas was developing in my lower abdomen. Normally I would have just let it out in another room. But with my wife right above me and no place to go, I'm figuring if I want to remain in good standing (if you catch my drift) I'd better find a way to keep the bubble from rising.
Somehow a brilliant thought came to mind. I said, "Pass me the vacuum please." and I placed the business end of the hose a couple of inches from my buttocks and let it rip. The vacuum took the gas away from my body, through the hose, through the piping within the walls and into the garage where the odor would eventually dissipate.
My wife said, "You're a sick bastard." and I gave her back the vacuum so she could continue.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-14 17:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have improved the story if your pooped on her head.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-07-14 17:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
IRRESPOSIBLE USE OF TEH CLOWN FACE.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-14 17:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you spend any time in the garage, make your next project to duct the vacuum air downstream of the vac canister to the outside of the house. You'll find your cars stay cleaner and you're a lot healthier, not to mention the new sensation of your eyes not burning from the concentration of ass vapor in there after chili con col y fritas night.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-13 06:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Nick/Lurby,
I feel you caught me at a bad time. I had just logged on after 10 days away and the amount of shite on the front page irked me.
Now, I have to admit, I had no idea what a 'central vac' was, but I used my imagination to fill in the blanks.
I just rather thought it was written very awkwardly and really didn't warrant an entire post.
You seem very polite and have no expectations.
Welcome.
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-11 14:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dear Orphelia,
I'm sorry you didn't like this post. I don't expect everyone to.
I read some of your stuff and your imagery is outstanding.
With that being said, I don't think my stuff is as bad as you say. It is at worst different and the two styles cannot be compared.
Although you are not a Pat Conroy and I am not a Dave Barry, both are entertaining writers with styles that cannot be compared.
Thanks for at least reading my post and taking the time to comment.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-11 12:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
the +'s on this post make me fucking ashamed to be on uber.
fuck off
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-11 11:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
btw, your wife is a prude.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-11 10:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bitch tell me to hold the hose I say, "Bitch, eat my dick."
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-11 08:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There is something not sexy about flatulence. It sort of dampens the mood.
My wife and I have a "thirty minute" rule. If there is a possibility of us having sex in the very near future we make sure that if we have to fart, we do it without the other knowing.
For example, I'd see my wife leave the room and come back within a couple of minutes. When she'd return I'd ask, "Where'd you go?" She'd reply, "Just for a short walk." I'd have my suspicions but not challenge her on it.
It's sort of like having an affair. What they don't know won't hurt them.
--
That sounds so weird to me. It sounds like you 'Book in' sex. Spontaneous sex is where its at, rather than "Honey. In 1 hr and 30 minutes I'm going to take you up stairs and shag your brains out for a few seconds." It feel forced an sterile and not how it should be.
You realise sex should be fun right? That if you make strange noises and things during it you should be able to laugh about it, it may put you off but hey at least you're still having fun and laughing together.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-11 08:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There is something not sexy about flatulence. It sort of dampens the mood.
My wife and I have a "thirty minute" rule. If there is a possibility of us having sex in the very near future we make sure that if we have to fart, we do it without the other knowing.
For example, I'd see my wife leave the room and come back within a couple of minutes. When she'd return I'd ask, "Where'd you go?" She'd reply, "Just for a short walk." I'd have my suspicions but not challenge her on it.
It's sort of like having an affair. What they don't know won't hurt them
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Fair enough, you didn't write it in that context, you just made it out to seem that you were doing some simple household cleaning. -2 though for giving yourself a positive rating.
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-11 08:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There is something not sexy about flatulence. It sort of dampens the mood.
My wife and I have a "thirty minute" rule. If there is a possibility of us having sex in the very near future we make sure that if we have to fart, we do it without the other knowing.
For example, I'd see my wife leave the room and come back within a couple of minutes. When she'd return I'd ask, "Where'd you go?" She'd reply, "Just for a short walk." I'd have my suspicions but not challenge her on it.
It's sort of like having an affair. What they don't know won't hurt them.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-07-11 08:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in other news; I went to the store and bought a mountain dew. That's all.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-11 08:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quick thinking, but are you and your wife really so uncomfortable with each others bodies that you refuse to fart in front of each other?
I could see taking a crap, but farting is to be expected.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-11 07:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I was Almost Raped by My Dyson: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64735
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could have been funnier.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
There's better stories about hoovers on here.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have never know hoovering to be a two person job. Anyway whats new about a man standing around holding his hose whilst the woman is doing some work?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 04:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yes, very good. But this little anecdote is boring on its own, probably more suited to being a quirky paragraph in a larger piece.
I was left asking 'and...?'
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-07-11 02:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pass the gas
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-07-11 01:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-10 22:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh, OK.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-10 22:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Similar thing happened to me but with a hooker instead of a vac.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2008-07-10 20:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where be the fake BartBart?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-10 20:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fart in her face next time and she won't call you names.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-10 19:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Lurby makes me think of Kirby.
Kirby tetris was the shit back in the day.
You should make a post about Kirby tetris, it would get alot of +2s
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-07-10 18:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-10 17:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
been there, done that
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-10 17:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This did in fact make me smile!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-10 17:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahaha
this lurby character is growing on me
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-10 17:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boys and farts sheesh
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-10 17:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have a superb user name.