The Customer is Always Drunk (1473 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (View user info) at 2008-07-15 00:38:30 EDT
In three years of pulling on a beer tap and slowly euthanising old steelworkers I have seen a wide variety of broken and breaking men.
Of all of the scarred, faded 'regulars' that have pissed and spit in front of me, none had the same effect as "Pegs" Harry.
Whether Pegs' nickname came from some incredible violent exploit or simply appeared one night during a drunken whirl and happened to stick, it's impossible to tell.
The locals' stories have long since ceased having any personal attachment. The steelworker who fucked Miss Australia 1977 in the back of a red Datsun 120Y was, originally, "some ranga from Dapto". Then it was Bill Summers. Then it was Pegs.
Then it was Bill again. Then Bill threw an empty schooner glass at Pegs and as it exploded behind the bar and cut one of the girl's faces I lost any chance of finding out, because Bill got a lifetime ban.
The proud regulars have spent so many afternoons retelling the same stories that they have essentially become one organism. They remember the stories, just not which limb of this drunken beast each one originally happened to.
But the reason Pegs stood out from this squat assembly of slow suicidals was the way he got drunk.
Backwards.
Whenever Pegs came in, generally between one and two in the arvo, he would be in a foul mood. If he didn't have a beer waiting on the bar by the time he shuffled up to it he'd say something like "Glad they're paying you to fuck around, Pete" or something equally pleasant.
Also, sometimes the beer would be ready and waiting and he'd say "Fuck mate, how long have ya worked here? Thursday is fuckin' bourbon day. I'm not paying for that" while he waved the beer away as if it disgusted him.
The only problem for me was that bourbon day could be any day of the week.
But, as I said, Pegs got drunk backwards.
As the rest of the fellas slumped lower and lower and got louder and louder and their offers of marriage to the girls got more and more serious, Pegs did the opposite.
As the evening came along Pegs acquired a sort of gravity. When you looked at him, he seemed to be getting heavier and more massive and even the light and sound around him seemed to distort like it was on the edge of a black hole.
And he got more lucid. Originally I avoided him because I thought, with some justification, that he was an evil old arsehole. But occasionally I'd have to step out from behind the bar and pick up glasses and it wasn't long before I had a fixation with the old bastard.
You'd pick his glass up and he'd grab your wrist with the strength that comes from a lifetime of manual labour. He'd look you in the eyes with such intent that you'd have to remind yourself that he'd had about 30 drinks by then.
Then he'd talk to you with the kind of passive-aggressive growl that most old alcoholics have, where he seemed to be looking for affection and trying to fight you at the same time, and talk to me about how he was "just filling in some time with this pub business, I have things to do. I just can't quite do 'em yet".
What the things he had to do were it was difficult to tell. Every day of the week he spent a good 10 hours in the pub, so one can only imagine it was at least a major part of his calendar.
Then, about 2 weeks ago, Pegs' mood improved considerably. He came in pretty foul as always, but when he reached the stage he called "Just living", where his eyes were clear and his speech was clear and he had more than a bottle of spirits under his belt, he was remarkably happy.
"You know, Pete," he said as stood next to him, a small tower of glasses perched in my hand, "i just realised that everything I've ever worried about has been nothin'. Absolutely nothin'. If ya want my advice, it's that when ya get to my age you realise ya shoulda just done what ya fuckin' wanted ya whole life."
"Yeh, cheers Pegs" I said, and walked away laughing and sort of hoping that he was wrong.
I remember that at the end of that night he stood up and, in a grandiose voice, said "Thankyou everyone, you've been a terrific audience!" before giving a golf-clap round of applause to the staff and the other patrons and swaying out into the dark.
---
Last Sunday, Mike came in and ordered a rum and coke and a schooner of Tooheys New.
I gave him a weird look, because Mike's hatred of that particular beer was unsurpassed, but poured it anyway. Mike didn't meet my gaze. He looked pale and angry.
Mike went and put the beer at Pegs' usual seat, took off the old truckers cap he was wearing and then slowly began to clap. The other locals joined the quiet applause as Mike moved from table to table, collecting money from all the others.
I looked on in baffled amazement until Kerry, one of the older bar girls, emerged from the kitchen and let out a sigh and said "Aww... fuck it."
My brain clicked and I realised that Pegs would never be in to drink that beer. My shoulders sagged with a sort of dull, deflated sadness. I really liked that bloke.
I wonder if he ever got his things done.
User Reviews
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-07-18 05:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A pleasure to read
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-18 04:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-17 00:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In hospital on a drip. Acute renal failure. I'll post about it later cos i'm real tired but just calling in to say im pretty good and will get better if i stop with the drink for a little
-----
The worlds most smallest violin........
Obviously your body wasn't picked out for being an alcoholic. My condolences.
Wine is goooood.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-07-17 23:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it's any kind of moral support, I'm cutting back myself, for awhile. Been working out of town a lot, and spent a couple black-out evenings with my crew recently. I garnered a new nickname, though: Cashflow. It's a decent nickname; I just hope the wife is okay with eathing Raman for a month or so.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-07-17 23:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop with the drink for a while, mate. Just a while. Let those things heal a bit. Best wishes.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-07-17 13:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-17 05:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Phallic, umm, I really hope you get better, we have never REALLy had anything to do with each other but get better soon. Oh and wank over a nurses face, yes I know they are ugly....but well why not
Actually I have a funny story about a nurse waking me up in the middle of the night, TWO nurses.
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2008-07-17 04:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great! Makes me homesick.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-07-17 02:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
your kidneys failed?
skate it off.
shout-dodging faggot.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-17 01:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
experima.at.gmail.com if you want to write whilst you're stuck in hospital.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-17 01:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dear lord. i just asked how you are on frank's post. fuck i was worried about you.
please take care of yourself.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-17 00:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In hospital on a drip. Acute renal failure. I'll post about it later cos i'm real tired but just calling in to say im pretty good and will get better if i stop with the drink for a little.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-16 23:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF with all the kidney comments? Are you sick or not?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-16 23:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I worked in a bar like that in Edinburgh many years ago, a real working man's pub.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-07-16 12:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-16 12:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do hope you are ok, young man.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-16 10:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just chucked the cabbie a $20 when the fare was $12.30 and he looked at me trying to size up how drunk i was but i gave him a pretty serious look so i hope he's with me.
Go le tour... this is what i love...
I was reading modern drunkard magazine and i just wanted to do something good.
If my kidneys fuck out tomorrow, i just wanna do something good.
Please.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-16 08:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Going out to the pub with some friends is great....occasionally! I've never understood how some people can go every single fucking day and sit for several hours.
WTF?!
TAKE A NIGHT OFF YOU ALCIES AND DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE LIKE EXERCISE OR LEARN SOMETHING! ANYTHING EXCEPT GO TO THE SAME FUCKING BAR NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AND PROGRESSIVELY PICKLE YOUR LIVERS!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-16 06:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-07-16 02:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she was working at an rsl.
----
That's one of many things that's always annoyed me about aussies. 'RSL', bleugh. it's RSA! 'Association sounds better than fucking League. Those 90 year old cunts aren't about to make a 'league' in any sense.
Go Warriors!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-16 05:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fyrstarter (user info) at 2008-07-16 04:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking great story
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-16 03:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, sorry about that, Pete, but an old fella like me eventually has to set things straight with the world.
I might be back in to visit you arseholes some day.
Some day...
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-07-16 02:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
when my mum was in her late teens/early twenties she worked behind the bar. she was working at an rsl and this comedian who the club had to put a show on came to the bar for a drink. he used to order the second-from-top-shelf whiskey and think he was top shit for doing so. anyway, he asked mum for a glass and she poured it. when she handed it to him, he lifted the glass up to the light and carefully scrutinised it before handing my mother twenty dollar note.
whereupon she took the note, held it out tight and lifted it up to the light. the locals at the bar laughed and he left the rest as a tip as he scurried away.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-15 22:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A head that size getting high is a danger to aircraft.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-15 22:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can't be arsed reading this, will do later.
too high.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-15 19:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-07-15 12:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've bartended for a few years now, and I gotta say, I understand. Some people, no matter how salty they are, really wind up sticking with you. The one that always sticks with me; his name is Jim. Jim gets a frosty mug of Miller Lite, followed by 9 more, and the Cheeseburger with Aussie Chips and extra pickles on the side. Every capillary in his nose has burst from years of drinking and every time he'd see me he'd say "who the fuck is the new kid"
---
Haha, I'm always wary of new bartenders at my local pub.
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
arse up
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We just lost 'our' bartending grandma. She died peacefully in the night before her 87th birthday.
She had worked the afternoon before and I am one of the lucky guys that was there.
The crowd at her funeral was huge.
I'm grateful I got to know her.
Prost Oma!
Great post.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
While I still think that you're a tire-licker, this was pretty good.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-15 13:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good. Paragraphs broken up awkwardly, but a good story.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-15 13:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-15 12:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-07-15 12:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You're supposed to listen to your inner voices. They tell you what to do. Ain't that funny how people do all kinds of things and most of it's just a lot of bullshit. You know what? Ninety percent of the things I've done in my life ain't as important as you sweeping that floor or sitting there eating that sandwich. You know why? Because you listen to yourself. Me, I listen to everybody in the whole damn world except me. I'd like to start all over again, ain't that the damndest thing?"
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-07-15 12:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've bartended for a few years now, and I gotta say, I understand. Some people, no matter how salty they are, really wind up sticking with you. The one that always sticks with me; his name is Jim. Jim gets a frosty mug of Miller Lite, followed by 9 more, and the Cheeseburger with Aussie Chips and extra pickles on the side. Every capillary in his nose has burst from years of drinking and every time he'd see me he'd say "who the fuck is the new kid"
I miss that crotchety old bastard.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-15 11:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-07-15 11:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-15 11:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
only bar in this town i ever liked got overrun by hipsters and whores.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-15 11:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Forget all the gay stuff like "feeling" it. I fucking liked it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-07-15 11:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-15 10:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently you can write well.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-15 10:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked in a little local pub once with guys like that. The ones I served were never agressive or nasty though, one had to be watchful of their hands at times though.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-07-15 10:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-15 10:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
His eyes they closed
and his last breath spoke
he had seen all to be seen
a life once full
now an empty vase
wilt the blossums
on his early grave
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-15 09:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-15 08:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a fine story well told.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-15 08:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Brakefield Chronicles
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-15 08:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me want to go back and read that series nitty did about the bar he worked at
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-15 04:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gay at times with all the hand holding, but good none the less.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-07-15 04:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-15 04:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love pubs like that.
One day I'd like to be one of those miserable old sages, crippled with alcoholism, shunned by family, but with a nice line in witty repartee.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-15 03:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I once knew a guy called 'Pegs'.
He was ginger.
And Welsh.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-15 02:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-07-14 22:15:53 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-15 00:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. I used to work in a place exactly like that, same guys, same stories, same sadness when one would never come through that door again.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Viper Room?
----------------
John Bull Pub. Doesn't exist anymore.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-07-15 01:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-07-15 01:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-15 00:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. I used to work in a place exactly like that, same guys, same stories, same sadness when one would never come through that door again.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Viper Room?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-07-15 01:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Cheers.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-07-15 01:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do what ya wanted..
words to live by, life's too short, etc
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-15 00:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. I used to work in a place exactly like that, same guys, same stories, same sadness when one would never come through that door again.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-15 00:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now to read