On the Rag (729 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.67 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2008-07-22 13:37:11 EDT
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Ultrasite submission by Lucy (Lucy's Log) at 08-07-21 17:39:35 EDT (#)
Rated - Ass-Bomb (-10)
Oh here we go again, our little Penistron posting more misogynistic, phallocentric and excruciatingly banal fiction with overtones of pedophilia and a gotcha! ending that couldn't have been more obvious if it was written in neon letters ten feet high. You are such a dick.
Don't hold your breath for the next 'on the rag' reference made by Limpitron after he reads this comment; I'm sure it is just around the corner.
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Ultrasite submission by Penistron (Penistron's Log) at 08-07-21 18:01:01 EDT (#)
Rated - Ambivalent (0)
Lucy, how do you feel about being a slave to the moon?
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Ultrasite submission by Lucy (Lucy's Log) at 08-07-21 18:17:40 EDT (#)
Rated - Ass-Bomb (-10)
Oh that really hurt, Viagra-Boy. Keep it up and they'll find you face down in the street, crushed like a bug, with tracks from my lunar cycle running up your back.
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Ultrasite submission by Penistron (Penistron's Log) at 08-07-21 18:41:11 EDT (#)
Rated - Ambivalent (0)
Bring it on, toots. Park that lunar cycle and ride me, why don't ya? From what I heard you are the rollercoaster at every Ultracon, with all the guys hopping on for a ride. Why should I have to miss out? What if I tell you I love you? I hear you fall for that every time. Chances are you'll be on the rag when we do it, but hey, I got no problem with blood, baby.
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Ultrasite submission by Lucy (Lucy's Log) at 08-07-21 18:59:34 EDT (#)
Rated - Ass-Bomb (-10)
(\_/) Die! (\_/)
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Curtis sat back in his chair and then glanced around the office to make sure no one was looking at his monitor. There was nothing but text on his screen, but he was supposed to be working, not screwing around on Ultrasite.
That last comment from Lucy made him grin. He must have really tied a knot in her panties. Served her right, the pretentious cunt. Every time he wrote a story intended to give cube rats like him a little break from reality Lucy would come storming in and start laying down all kinds of heavy horseshit. She really needed a good fuck to loosen her up. Carrying around that kind of rage wasn't healthy and it seemed like she was always on the fucking rag.
Curtis wondered what Lucy looked like. She was probably some bone-thin twenty-five year old harpy who looked fifty-five, or one of those fat-on-fat chicks with seventeen chins, an attitude, and a myspace page under a user name like sexxxyChik or BBWow. He liked to think Lucy was hot, though. Or maybe cute and bookish, with dorky glasses but a nice bod. Cute and bookish and sucking his dick. Oh yeah.
He shifted in his chair and opened an Excel spreadsheet. He was supposed to be updating some monthly data, not sitting back and showing everyone his poorly-concealed hard-on. He leaned over a lined pad and tried to decipher a few scrawled notes when something struck the page with a soft spak! sound. It was a drop of blood. It looked like a dark cherry crater.
Curtis raised one hand and touched his nose with a finger. Blood began pouring from his right nostril. It soaked his palm and ran down his wrist, soaking into the cuff of his shirt.
He pulled a handful of Kleenex tissues from the box on his desk and held it against his nostril. Then he leaned back in his chair, but not before seeing that the lined pad and the desk blotter to either side were awash with blood.
After a minute he took the wad of soaked tissues away from his nose. There wasn't any blood trickling down into his throat. It was done. He sat up and his chest lurched and he blew a streamer of blood out of his left nostril. The stream struck his keyboard with such force that spatters streaked across his monitor like bright red spermatozoa.
Curtis tore the back off of the Kleenex box and folded the remaining tissues into a soft, absorbent pad. He held the pad against his nose and sat back again. Thank Christ no one has walked by my desk, he thought. He swallowed a few mouthfuls of hot blood as it filled his sinuses and tickled his throat. He sat like that for five minutes. When he finally removed the pad of tissues they squelched as if they had been held against the stump of a severed limb.
He sat up again and swooned. That was a pretty fucking gay word but the only word that fit. He felt light headed and fell back into his chair. He swooned. He almost fainted.
"Jesus, what a pussy," he whispered harshly. He heart was beating way too fast. There was blood all over his shirt and tie, all over his desk and computer. He needed help. If he lost any more blood he might pass out right here in the office. That would be fucking embarrassing.
His guts rolled and he stood up on trembling legs. He looked down at the gray cloth contours of his chair and saw a dime sized spot on blood on the seat.
"No," Curtis said. His guts clenched. He left a high-pitched wet fart and then felt hot blood gushing down both legs, soaking his socks, filling his shoes.
He started for the men's room, thinking he could take off his undershirt, tear it into rags, and roll one into some kind of—
Curtis fell to his knees. He heard a girl scream. Some guy said, "Holy fucking shit." He looked down. Blood was soaking into the carpet under his knees.
"God damn," he said, in a weak and trembling voice. His heart was racing and he could feel the accelerated beat against his chest, but it was so light, too light, as light as the wings of a butterfly trapped in his hands.
The fluttering in his chest stopped, and he fell onto his side.
--
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Ultrasite submission by Lucy (Lucy's Log) at 08-07-23 9:15:22 EDT (#)
Rated - Ass-Bomb (-10)
Awww, Mr. Asshole seems to be awfully quiet the last few days. Calling Mr. Asshole! Where are youuuuu?
Chickenshit.
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[Note: This is a work of fiction and these characters are in no way intended to represent real individuals who visit online communities...]
User Reviews
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-07-24 13:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-23 15:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about no1hasdis
User id: 23616
Registered on or around: 2005-11-28 16:58:24 EST
# Messages posted: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>3
# Reviews written: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>1079
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 90
# Hits: 1775
Average rating of all messages: 0.39
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To quote forensic, 'jealus anfry bicth.'
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Jealous of what Jack?
Everything you ever wanted to know about Jack_McCallum
User id: 11326
Registered on or around: 2004-08-16 18:09:01 EDT
# Messages posted: 803
Jealous that I didn't waste 4 years of my life writing 803 boring, meritless works of crap? Jealous that I didn't compile a collection of hack writing jobs with the artistic merit of a bucket of rancid dog shit?
Don't think so Jacky.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-23 15:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about no1hasdis
User id: 23616
Registered on or around: 2005-11-28 16:58:24 EST
# Messages posted: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>3
# Reviews written: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>1079
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 90
# Hits: 1775
Average rating of all messages: 0.39
--
To quote forensic, 'jealus anfry bicth.'
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-07-23 15:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BTW, this was total shit you talentless hack.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-07-23 11:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure what you're going for here, Jack. I suppose the male period would have been interesting. If you would have expanded that (complete with mood swings and chocolate cravings), maybe generated a hit of hubris, it could have even been something more than bawdy, clicheed humor. But spending the bulk of the action on a nosebleed? Where's the parallel? The point of any work of fiction, of any good piece of writing, should be to answer the age old question "so what?"
This didn't do that.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 05:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is :o(
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-23 04:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-23 02:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're asking the wrong guy, jd.
Depressingly few gold coins in a safe box buried near a peculiar tree outside ___________ in Mendo, that's my bank.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2008-07-23 01:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And then there's the charming sensation of blood clots oozing their way out of your vagina. Guys, imagine the sensation of swallowing a large and slippery chunk of jelly, but in reverse.
Ugh, I just grossed myself out with that.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-07-23 00:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
love the new mva tag
btw- any real world insight on Wachovia?, cause i'm walking around 24/7 with another ABA #
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-22 23:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha
v
v
v
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-22 21:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-22 19:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, ain't nothing like waking up fully convinced that your uterus has tied itself into a knot, has become murderously self aware, and is trying to kill you.
Or better yet, just having a plain old bad day in general during any day of the month and then having some smart assed knuckle dragger remark that you MUST be on the rag.
Can't wait for menopause! I'm almost there y'all.
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Menopause is every bit as bad as pregnancy. My wife has been through both. I'm lucky to have lived through either.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-22 19:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, ain't nothing like waking up fully convinced that your uterus has tied itself into a knot, has become murderously self aware, and is trying to kill you.
Or better yet, just having a plain old bad day in general during any day of the month and then having some smart assed knuckle dragger remark that you MUST be on the rag.
Can't wait for menopause! I'm almost there y'all.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-22 19:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Point taken.
v
v
v
v
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-22 19:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
He hasn't gotten his comeuppance until he is forced to choose between pumping his body full of hormones on a daily basis until the onset of menopause or rocking back and forth and weeping in the fetal position in severe pain for 2 days at a time, after gaining several pounds in as much time, and dodging smartass comments from the clueless neanderthals around him who act like he's weak because they really have no idea just how gutwrenchingly, life-alteringly painful that shit can be.
...or something.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I SWEAR I gave this a two, it's funny.
I didn't read ALL of it let's be honest.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is indeed funny that the majority don't understand this. Fucking idiots.
Shlongy, I thought better of you. . .
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you're misogynistic too?
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Clearly, as indicated by a story in which a misogynist gets his comeuppance.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thinking about it...all that time and effort you spent going back requesting your rating be fixed because of the Supreme_Overlord or whatever seems so futile considering the fucking crap you produce regularly around here
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Thinking about it further one might ask, "Why does he produce the fucking crap he produces regularly around here?"
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell, let's bring it back.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Weird.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-22 14:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Please stop posting.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-22 14:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck is this?
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Crap.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you're misogynistic too?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thinking about it...all that time and effort you spent going back requesting your rating be fixed because of the Supreme_Overlord or whatever seems so futile considering the fucking crap you produce regularly around here
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're fucking retarded.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
huh?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol no wonder your wife left you, you misogynistic cat herder
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This... didn't make much sense.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
honestly drop me a line when you get back to interesting
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-22 13:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must need more sleep, I dont get what this is supposed to be.
Is this supposed to be a satire of Uber-life?