Gross Domestic Happiness (Part 1) (549 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shandythetopdog (View user info) at 2008-08-07 03:45:42 EDT
1. THE MULTI-COLOURED DOG MOBILE
"See you later Isaac" said Kolak.
"See you later Dad, I love you" replied Isaac in a pleasant and normal manner.
As Kolak checked his appearance in the hall mirror, he felt grateful for this pleasant and normal exchange. So many elements of life seemed abnormal and unpleasant. Living with his ex-wife, allowing Isaac to sleep in his school uniform and go without bathing for days on end, eating meals alone in their bedrooms, teaching Isaac to swear, working as a receptionist, the Multicoloured Dogmobile - these and many other things troubled Kolak.
The hall mirror, with it's lack of direct light, was always reasonably flattering. Satisfied that his Hugo Boss jacket (picked up at a St Vincent de Paul's charity shop for $15) provided sufficient formality to balance his ginger beard and unkempt curly hair, Kolak cast a final glance towards the kitchen. His ex-wife was dressed in her gym outfit, a garish ensemble featuring $300 shoes that apparently clamped onto the peddles of exercise bikes using special concealed magnets. She was noisily chomping on an egg and mayonnaise sandwich. Kolak stepped out the front door and into the cold Canberra morning.
Mercifully, his car windows were not covered in frost. The house only had one carport, and as it was Satan's house, it was her car (a smart little late-model VW Golf) that enjoyed this shelter. Kolak's car, a fifteen year old Mitsubishi Magna Executive, was parked on the roadside. When the neighbours had been selling their house, Kolak had parked the Magna out of sight behind the front hedge. He was concerned the car brought down the tone of the neighbourhood and may have damaged the neighbour's price. Kolak wasn't sure why he bothered to do this - he didn't particularly like or care about the neighbours.
A ray of morning sun was shining on the Magna. Gypsy was enjoying this from her usual position on the car's roof. As Kolak approached, the dishevelled looking mongrel scampered gracefully down the windscreen, onto the bonnet, and off the car.
Little doggy pawprints covered the entire vehicle, which had not been washed for several years. The pawprints had inspired Isaac to label it 'The Multi-Coloured Dogmobile'. The car itself was not multi-coloured - it was black with dark tinted windows - but each of the four hubcaps was a different colour: red, green, yellow and blue. As Kolak often pointed out to his son, they had yet to see another car with multi-coloured hubcaps in Canberra or anywhere else in Australia. It might, Kolak often said, be the only car in the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD with multi-coloured hubcaps.
Kolak had painted his hubcaps different colours last year because he wanted a girlfriend.
The Magna had originally been bought, just before Isaac's birth, as the family car. Kolak had picked it up for $7,400, an excellent price for a large and safe vehicle only seven years old. It's heavy black appearance didn't matter - it's job was to comfortably accommodate baby capsules and other baby paraphernalia, and to safely transport the new precious cargo.
Six years later, when Kolak realised that his Cunning Fake Divorce had transformed into a real divorce (following the Bottom Smacking Incident) and he was once again single, he started to brood about the Magna.
Kolak, a tall man, had put on weight. Climbing in and out of his heavy black car with tinted windows, with his bushy beard and his frowning expression, he imagined that he might look a bit scary. Kolak had been increasingly spending his time with male cronies, drinking and watching sport and doing offensive things. The heavy black car seemed emblematic of all this, and Kolak felt that he needed something lighter and more in touch with his feminine side if he was to ever get a new girlfriend.
But Kolak disliked spending money on anything apart from food, drink, drugs, cigarettes and cheap holidays at the coast. A professional paint job to transform the black car into a nice white car would have cost thousands. Buying a replacement car was out of the question - although Kolak did spend hours and hours online looking at used car advertisements for smart casual European hatchbacks, hoping for a miraculous bargain.
The hubcap idea came to Kolak after the Magna's original hubcaps had fallen off or been stolen. Kolak ignored this for several months (apart from writing a witty post on Ubersite entitled 'Are Hubcaps Necessary?') because he was under the impression replacement Magna hubcaps would need to be ordered at great expense. But when Kolak discovered that a complete set of generic hubcaps could be bought for $20 from Supercheap Auto, the idea of painting them different colours was not far away.
He had initially thought of painting the whole car with housepaint, but that had seemed too drastic a step. Not just in terms of the damage it would have done to the Magna's resale value, but also in terms of his own image. Painting a car with housepaint was a very serious action. People who painted their cars with housepaint were usually: a) members of a genuine underclass who didn't give a fuck about anything, such as drug addicts or Aboriginals; or b) pretentious greenies, lefties or artists trying to make a non-conformist statement.
Kolak did not wish to be branded as belonging to either of these categories, especially b). Kolak had in fact struggled all his adult life to balance an inclination towards eccentricity against his fear of looking like a pretentious, attention-seeking, fake non-conformist.
Painting his cheap disposable hubcaps different colours seemed a compromise solution. Bright and cheerful colours would lift the car out of it's sombre heaviness, and could be easily replaced when it came time to sell the car. He and Isaac had painted the hubcaps together.
So far, the multi-coloured hubcaps had not helped Kolak get a new girlfriend.
2. THE CANBERRA INSTITUTE OF MEDICAL INDUSTRY STATISTICS
"Canberra Institute of Medical Industry Statistics, good afternoon" said Kolak. As usual, the word 'institute' came out as a mumbled blur. Kolak sometimes swallowed his words, and he always had trouble with 'institute'. He was reading Isaac 'The Little Prince' as a bedtime story, and had the same trouble with 'little prince'.
But once Kolak got to 'good afternoon' he had recovered, as he usually did, and his voice had become pleasant and engaging. This was enough to reassure Kolak that he was a good receptionist. Or at least good enough.
"Er, yes" said the person on the other end of the line, in a weird accent that sounded half Indian and half German "I have a very important query about medical statistics. Are you the person in charge, or merely the receptionist?".
Dr Pussy's fake accent was deliberately transparent, and Kolak greeted his comrade with pleasure. Dr Pussy had rang to confirm details of that night's Party Meeting. Kolak, Dr Pussy, the Black Sheep, the Dark Prince, Hamish and Ben had decided to start a political party.
Dr Pussy was a single 36 year old man. He had left the public service many years ago to become a gardener and an unknown musician. The Black Sheep was a single 38 year old man. He had left the public service many years ago to become a marijuana addict. Hamish was a single 40 year old man who had left the public service many years ago to become an alcoholic. The Black Prince was a single Aboriginal man of indeterminate age and background. He was an alcoholic and a marijuana addict. Ben was a married man with two children, a PhD and a high-paid job to do with computers. His presence gave Kolak and Dr Pussy some hope, although when Kolak thought about it, Ben's willingness to be a member of the party was in itself not a strong recommendation for Ben.
Kolak and Mike agreed on a time and venue (an outdoor bar at the university that facilitated both drinking and smoking whacko tobacco) and were about to part when Kolak remembered an important point.
"By the way, I just had a caller five minutes ago who had read a forecast that depression would be the number one illness in Australia within a few years. Good news!"
Dr Pussy agreed, but annoyed Kolak by requesting more details.
Kolak explained that the caller had been unsure about the forecast's accuracy, and he had therefore transferred him to the relevant section. Dr Pussy suggested that perhaps Kolak should speak to this relevant section himself, which Kolak undertook to do, although he had no intention of wasting his time with such petty details.
The apparent rise in rates of depression was good news because one of the main themes of their political party was that the current way of life in Australia, and the western world for that matter, was making people unhappy.
Kolak's mobile phone beeped, signfiying the arrival of a new text message. He hoped it was from a woman he had actually recently had sex with for free, but it was an advertisement from a mobile phone company.
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-08-09 12:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only one question... is Mike Dr. Pussy?
I thoroughly enjoyed this. I laughed at the line which introduced the members of the party- Dr. Pussy, Kolak, the Black Prince, Hamish....... and Ben.
Quality.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-07 19:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-08-07 03:32:21 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you for at least reading this, berty, it's more than certain giganto cranium jew lovers can be bothered to do
the post had been up 45 mins, at 3 in the morning my time.
even by your impressive standards that's an outrageous amount of unreasonableness!
'merely the receptionist' made me lol.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-07 19:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
luxury hotel of course.
even you heathens must have at least one in you 'capital'.
(your capital is london)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-07 19:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is a wonderful day
i would like nothing more than an evening of debauchery with your chums.
i can be the fat lord
a long weekend in canberra?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-07 11:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-07 10:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very real.
I've always found your writing draws me in, which based on some of your stuff is a terrible terrible thing.
-P
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-07 10:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-08-07 10:03:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-07 04:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A post of more than 4 lines? What is the world coming to, shandy?
--
I'M RECLAIMING UBERSITE
A SERIOUS WRITER'S FORUM!!!
ps - what's your stance re. [insert juvenile sexual reference involving cumming on faces etc]
but seriously
i will soon be embarking on my 'SEXUAL LIBERATION WORLD TOUR'
to tell you the truth, cumming on faces is something i'm not that sure about, or even interested in as a matter of urgency
cumming on breasts and throats is another matter of course
-----------------------------------------
in short, yes.
Submitted by paranoiadestroya (user info) at 2008-08-07 08:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-08-07 08:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i find this to be more interesting than when you make use of paedophilia as your focus.
still, its a bit hum-drum.
is there nothing interesting left to write?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-08-07 08:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-07 07:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are you talking about?, she completely misrepresented herself!, I don't opt for happiness!, I opt for happiness, James Caan Doesen't opt for happiness!.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-07 06:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I sorta read this.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-08-07 05:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-07 04:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A post of more than 4 lines? What is the world coming to, shandy?
--
I'M RECLAIMING UBERSITE
A SERIOUS WRITER'S FORUM!!!
ps - what's your stance re. [insert juvenile sexual reference involving cumming on faces etc]
but seriously
i will soon be embarking on my 'SEXUAL LIBERATION WORLD TOUR'
to tell you the truth, cumming on faces is something i'm not that sure about, or even interested in as a matter of urgency
cumming on breasts and throats is another matter of course
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-07 04:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A post of more than 4 lines? What is the world coming to, shandy?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-08-07 04:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you for at least reading this, berty, it's more than certain giganto cranium jew lovers can be bothered to do
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-07 04:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cunning Fake Divorce"?
I would like to learn more about this subject.