Eligos - Ch 1 - Appearances and Disappearances (626 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.19 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JesterLilt (View user info) at 2008-08-07 12:19:49 EDT
The rain rattled on the rooftops, hammered against corrugated iron and flooded gutters so that they regurgitated moss filled murky waterfalls onto the saturated street below. A lonely silhouette crouched, looking down, observing the street; the rain dripping from his shoulders and the tip of his nose.
He lifted his sleeve flicking the water on his face aside. Slowly he rose to his feet, turned on his heel and sauntered towards an exit leading down from the rooftop. He had not seen what he was hoping to see.
His features were well defined and angular under the sharp street lights. He had a strong jaw and piercing green eyes shone from beneath a brow that had frowned far more than smile. His eyes had seen little laughter but much of life. Sadness lurked in him, the kind that never heels but remains constant, never diminishing and raw whenever its memories are permitted to surface. There was also great strength in him, the power to endure, fortitude and tenacity. He stood straight, his shoulders back and his chin slightly raised; he was proud and the world would have to try harder still if it was to get the better of him.
Lawrence emerged through the front door of the building; he looked left and right and then decided on his next destination, he hurried into the waterlogged murky darkness.
***
Fifteen years previously, Lawrence was a seventeen year old boy. It was the middle of the summer and he had everything to be grateful and happy about. He had good friends, he did well at school, his parents were understanding and for the most part not a complete embarrassment and he had a beautiful girlfriend. Life to date had been easy for Lawrence; he passed his exams and he found it easy to find friends. His family was stable, supportive with good values.
On that night fifteen years ago, Lawrence had been out walking with his girlfriend Christine. They were arriving back to his house so Christine's parents could pick her up. It was around 10 pm, a dark, still night at the end of autumn. Lawrence and Christine held hands as they approached the front door. All the lights were off, the curtains were not pulled and only darkness emanated from the house.
"I wonder where everyone has gone," said Lawrence. Christine shrugged her shoulders. Lawrence continued, "Nobody said they were going out. Mum dad and Rog should be home. Seems strange they never said anything."
"They could be in bed," offered Christine.
"Unlikely, no school tomorrow, mum and dad aren't working... Oh well, means we've got the house to ourselves until your parents come for you." Christine giggled as Lawrence pulled her close and passionately kissed her on the doorstep. The thought of having the house to themselves instantly eradicated any suspicions that something was amiss. Lawrence took his keys, opened the front door, and entered pulling Christine in behind him. She looped her arms around his waist kissing the back of his neck urging him to turn around and take her in his arms.
"Ssshhh!" He removed her hands reluctantly, "Somebody might still be home." Christine pouted at being made to behave.
Not a sound could be heard, the house was still, not even Lawrence's dog Hermes could be heard padding around the kitchen sniffing for food.
"This is creepy... I've never been in your house empty." Christine whispered pulling herself close again hooking her arm under Lawrence's as they crept along the corridor.
"Come on, we'll just go to my room and put on some music until your parents call." Lawrence did not whisper in an effort to alleviate the tension they both felt.
Christine was giggling again. "My parents are not due to arrive for another hour. We have the house to ourselves..." Christine stepped in front of Lawrence and began unbuttoning her pale blue fitted blouse. She wore a white satin bra edged with lace cupping full breasts. Lawrence began to inhale deeply as she slipped her hands down the front of her jeans and began rubbing herself.
"Christine... Maybe wait until we get to my room..." Christine unbuttoned her jeans and was just about to slip them down over her hips when two quiet knocks resonated within the house.
Christine turned sharply. "What was that? I heard something!"
"You heard nothing, it was just the pipes, come on, this is silly." Lawrence took her arm again trying to manoeuvre her towards his room.
"No, I definitely heard something from the living room. Please, we should go and look."
Christine buttoned her blouse and jeans. Both turned in unison towards the living room and saw that the door was slightly ajar. Gingerly they walked forwards pushing the door fully open before stepping over the room's threshold. A cold breeze escaped through the opening locking the air in their throats. Both froze as their eyes absorbed the scene presented in the half light before them.
A spectral figure stood in the centre of the room. His skin appeared pale blue enveloping features of ethereal beauty. His eyes sparked blue lightening contrasting his pupils which were steady abysses seemingly staring through the fabric of reality. Prominent angular cheekbones carried his beautifully chiselled features completely expressionless and free of any evidence of age.
He wore a dark velvet jacket, perfectly tailored and slightly tapered at the waist covering a lithe supple frame almost feline, ready to pounce, a predator. Knee high black immaculate riding boots covered his tight trousers to the knee. His hair looked as though a gentle breeze ran through it, silky soft and shimmering in the darkness. It was tied loosely at the nape of his neck. Protrusions caught the light like mirrors from his hair and on closer inspection it was obvious that a delicate crown circled his head interwoven with his hair. He stood like a statue, never blinking, not even a twitch but life radiated from him filling the room as if he could both give and take it away. In his right hand he held a midnight black lance tipped with a silver spearhead. A golden pendant hung from the spear. On it a twisting pattern was engraved, lines symbolizing the lance with loops intertwining. The same insignia appeared on either side.
Lawrence stood transfixed by the pendant for several moments before shaking himself into accepting the spectacle before him. He stepped forward releasing Christine's arm. Christine crumpled to her knees on the floor hypnotized.
Slowly the figure turned to meet Lawrence's gaze. Its lips parted to speak but the sound did not come from its mouth but from the very air in the room. "Why do you disturb me?"
Lawrence felt a sudden rush of silliness and embarrassment wash over him. His brain was still not accepting the reality of the situation and for a moment he assumed he had gone mad. Nonetheless, he answered. "Who are you, what are you and where are my family?"
The air vibrated, the figure seemed to be laughing. "Your family? They are no longer significant, you can no longer afford them, they weaken you and now you are grown you have no further need of them." The figure paused as if he had to mentally bend the air and the world for his existence and voice to hold. "My identity is not important for you now but in the course of time you will discover it I am sure. All you need know is I am not a man and although I may have at some point been mortal, that time is long past and but a mere blip on my time spent in existence. My message to you is this, your parents and brother are with me, you are alone and now and you will fight."
"What are you talking about? Are you serious? At the moment I think I'm mad, I can't believe what I'm seeing and you tell me I will fight? Fight what exactly? People don't just go around fighting anymore." Lawrence crossed his arms indignantly waiting for further information. Again the air seemed to be laughing and jeering him.
"You will fight or they will never be free. You are important and for now that will suffice. When I call for you, you will come but now you will wander in darkness."
An image appeared before Lawrence. In it his parents and Roger stood holding each other in a tight circle as flames licked at their ankles. Tears streaked down the cheeks of Lawrence's mother as his father howled. Roger's wrists were bound, his head bowed as his mother held him.
"What have you done to them?" Lawrence screamed rushing forward to attack the stranger. The stranger evaporated as Lawrence went to grasp him. Lawrence pummelled into one of the living room chairs hammering it with his fist.
"You cannot injure me." The figure mocked him as it reappeared next to the fireplace.
A groan came from the doorway. Lawrence turned to see Christine struggling to her feet. The stranger's hand lifted to reveal his palm devoid of any lines usually associated with human skin. Christine's eyes stared emptily at the figure. Again, the air reverberated with laughter.
"I will keep this one, now, sit again and you will enjoy a lifetime of my company." Christine gently lowered herself back to the floor, this time sitting straight with her legs crossed in front of her. Her eyes were no longer clear but her gaze remained firm on the stranger.
"I will leave now. Remember, you belong to me and your life begins now. We will meet again."
The stranger evaporated. As he disappeared a word escaped the air as if the air itself were rebelling against the control the stranger had inflicted. A word found Lawrence's ears, "Eligos..." Lawrence absorbed the word as if he had somehow always known it and his whole life had been waiting for it.
***
Fifteen years later Lawrence had left the street and headed straight for the house where it had all began, the place he had first met Eligos. He had not returned to that house in thirteen years. He still owned it; it had been left to him when it was apparent none of his family would return. It had taken seven painstaking years for his family to be declared dead. During this time he had undergone the rigmarole of countless lawyers, accusations that he may in some way be responsible and also an element of media attention as his father was a high standing business and community man. Many curious reporters had tapped on his door expecting to be the one who uncovered the mystery of the family who disappeared for no reason and without a trace.
He now sat in his old bedroom in creaking rocking chair. The house was full of dust with white sheets covering most items of furniture. Lawrence had removed the sheet so that he might sit on the rocking chair. He hadn't changed a thing in the house, all remained as it had been the day his parents and brother had disappeared. He still clung to the hope that one day they might reappear just as suddenly as they had disappeared; that someday they would be free and would live there lives as was intended. Gently he swayed backwards and forwards his hand rested on his palm and arm rested on his knee. He thought of Christine, probably the only girl he had ever truly loved and the only one truly lost to him.
Christine had never been the same again. Her parents had come for her to find her catatonic; still sitting on the floor with her legs crossed gazing in front of her. They found Lawrence a shivering wreck in the same chair. They immediately phoned the police and started questioning Lawrence on the events of the evening. Lawrence simply said he could not remember and he was upset because he did not know what was wrong with Christine. Christine's parents had never believed Lawrence although they allowed him to pay for her to stay in the institution they had put her in when there were no signs of improvement. On occasion, Christine could be heard laughing slightly under her breath. Lawrence knew the laugh; it was the laugh the stranger created, a mocking laugh, through Christine he would always be laughing.
Christine had been beautiful and he had taken that away, she had been innocent and now the stranger corrupted her mind, feeding her vile images and stimulating her senses. Christine had been found several times undressed performing acts on herself. The doctors said it was because she was a young girl and although her mind had gone she still had basic urges. They gave her drugs to try and eliminate these impulses but they didn't prove to be effective. Lawrence was sickened by the stranger's mental rape of Christine. He had no doubt that he was somehow with her all the time, that in her head she was living with him, loving him and pleasuring him. In this world, Christine's body disintegrated, her face became grey and sunken and her hair colourless and matted.
'Eligos....' The word had been a constant feature in Lawrence's life since he had heard it uttered as the stranger had disappeared. Eligos had become the stranger's name as Lawrence had continued his life determined to discover the reasons for that fateful night. The name had driven him forward on his quest certain that one day he would discover an answer to the riddle.
Eligos the demon, Eligos the 15th spirit of hell, warlord, tempter. Bending the wills of men, knowing the future... Lawrence had learnt much over the years delving into ancient grimoires, sacred texts, demonology and the occult. Eligos could see the future, apparently the outcome of wars, he could control men's minds and he knew things. Not for the first time Lawrence wondered who he was. Why was he important, why had Eligos turned his life upside down setting him on this path of despair and misery?
For years Lawrence had sought his answers hitting a never ending barrage of brick walls. Still, he had not given up, he knew there were answers and so much had happened to him in the fifteen years since his parents disappeared. Many explainable and unexplainable events had transpired. He was not the man he once was, he could do things that no mortal man could ever dream of accomplishing. He was certain there was a reason for it all and he would find it or die trying.
User Reviews
Submitted by branimal_08 (user info) at 2008-10-14 17:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are not popular.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-11 19:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sigh.
Submitted by psikosismc (user info) at 2008-10-11 14:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by aquagirl (user info) at 2008-09-08 17:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
100% girl below.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-05 18:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91211
Submitted by Bixbybrat14 (user info) at 2008-09-05 17:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by devildog (user info) at 2008-09-04 15:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fat bitch.
Submitted by Naplander (user info) at 2008-08-30 14:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Nigeyboy666 (user info) at 2008-08-27 07:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/118166#2765364
LOL
Submitted by bricekrispy (user info) at 2008-08-24 16:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by spidy (user info) at 2008-08-18 15:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Linus is a jerk
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-18 15:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 BOOM -- Dunno how much this is gonna do since I've +2d most of your posts anyway =P
Submitted by Mr_Asshat (user info) at 2008-08-11 11:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's like someone randomly bashed at their keyboard.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-11 03:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-08-10 03:35:37 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
This isn't a bad effort.
There might be little too much melodrama. The story you're telling has quite enough drama; you don't need to add more in your writing style.
Your sentence construction needs work. Don't use adjectives gratuitously and don't clutter your language just to be descriptive. Simplify everything before you add the flourishes. Watch your conjunctive sentences. Alliteration should be used sparingly. The first sentence was a little iffy to my ear. You have far too many compound sentences that need to be broken down. SIMPLIFY.
Your first paragraph:
"The rain rattled on the rooftops, hammered against corrugated iron and flooded gutters so that they regurgitated moss filled murky waterfalls onto the saturated street below. A lonely silhouette crouched, looking down, observing the street; the rain dripping from his shoulders and the tip of his nose."
I don't necessarily care for all your choices, but I've rewritten the first passage, preserving your intent but without the excess:
"Rain hammered the rooftop, drumming incessantly against corrugated iron. Gutters overflowed and drained murky waterfalls onto the already-saturated street below. A dark figure crouched near the edge and watched the street as rain cascaded down his back and a single drop hung precariously from the tip of his nose."
Just a possibility but you get the idea.
Your dialogue is too expository and on-the-nose. This makes the characters sound unnatural.
Take care your dialogue is age and character-specific.
I would have liked more than a hint of the changes in the protagonist since the incident with the demon, and less about the changes in Christine. Except, of course, in relation to how those changes affected Lawrence.
Overall this was interesting, but if you take more care with each sentence and really think about what you're writing you can probably make it much better. The story is good but the execution needs some attention.
----------------
Finally, some much appreciated constructive criticism. All noted and thanks a lot. Yes, the writing style needs work. I read this back to myself and spotted quite a few things I'd do differently. I had thought in time I'll maybe repost it because I'm enjoying the idea.
Changes in the protaganist - next installment.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-09 23:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stripy horse sighting.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2008-08-09 22:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This isn't a bad effort.
There might be little too much melodrama. The story you're telling has quite enough drama; you don't need to add more in your writing style.
Your sentence construction needs work. Don't use adjectives gratuitously and don't clutter your language just to be descriptive. Simplify everything before you add the flourishes. Watch your conjunctive sentences. Alliteration should be used sparingly. The first sentence was a little iffy to my ear. You have far too many compound sentences that need to be broken down. SIMPLIFY.
Your first paragraph:
"The rain rattled on the rooftops, hammered against corrugated iron and flooded gutters so that they regurgitated moss filled murky waterfalls onto the saturated street below. A lonely silhouette crouched, looking down, observing the street; the rain dripping from his shoulders and the tip of his nose."
I don't necessarily care for all your choices, but I've rewritten the first passage, preserving your intent but without the excess:
"Rain hammered the rooftop, drumming incessantly against corrugated iron. Gutters overflowed and drained murky waterfalls onto the already-saturated street below. A dark figure crouched near the edge and watched the street as rain cascaded down his back and a single drop hung precariously from the tip of his nose."
Just a possibility but you get the idea.
Your dialogue is too expository and on-the-nose. This makes the characters sound unnatural.
Take care your dialogue is age and character-specific.
I would have liked more than a hint of the changes in the protagonist since the incident with the demon, and less about the changes in Christine. Except, of course, in relation to how those changes affected Lawrence.
Overall this was interesting, but if you take more care with each sentence and really think about what you're writing you can probably make it much better. The story is good but the execution needs some attention.
Submitted by scinut (user info) at 2008-08-08 17:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Nancy (user info) at 2008-08-08 09:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-08-08 04:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
JL, you're the chick who posts a lot of camwhores right? You're just about fuckable too, right?
Stick to what you're good at.
------------
Be serious !!
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-08-08 04:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
JL, you're the chick who posts a lot of camwhores right? You're just about fuckable too, right?
Stick to what you're good at.
Submitted by bricekrispy (user info) at 2008-08-08 04:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PLEASE say there isn't a part two really?!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-08-08 00:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will read when other installments are submitted.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-07 19:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-07 17:35:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
The rare manbearpig species are now commonly seen trolling the fields of Uber.
--------
Did I ever tell you how passionately I disliked you son of a monkey woman?
---
You love me and you know it.
Hell if i would let you ( and I won't because I'm afraid you would bite it off) you would blow me like THAT *cue finger snap*
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-07 18:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read like, half of this - long submissions are difficult to read while at work. I liked what I read though.
Submitted by FetusesAreDelicious (user info) at 2008-08-07 16:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-07 15:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck? i'm not reading all that ;)
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-07 15:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck? i'm not reading all that ;)
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-07 15:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're on the auto -2 list.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU MADE IT!
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTFINRAT!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're on the auto -2 list.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU MADE IT!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it. Liked it. +2.
Still think you're a bit of a twat though.
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
okay, i lied, i read it.
i just wanted to look 'edgy.'
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't read this, i just didn't like that solid 2 you had going on.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chapter 2 is written, no worries.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there had better be a part 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-07 17:35:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
The rare manbearpig species are now commonly seen trolling the fields of Uber.
--------
Did I ever tell you how passionately I disliked you son of a monkey woman?
Submitted by sergeantslaughter (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oooooo....can't wait for the next part
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is it when you read things back to yourself you notice you overuse a word to death. I have now sickened myself of yet another word... I'll never use it again.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The rare manbearpig species are now commonly seen trolling the fields of Uber.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT - BIWRIAL
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I have no idea what WTFINRAT but I'm guessing something like holy fucking pissing hell a lot of fucking words. Only that doesn't fit.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for my obligatory +2s guys as neither of you have had time to read it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-07 17:23:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plus I'm away home in six minutes for a weekend of drink, drugs and pic n' mix.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-07 12:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTFINRAT