Uber, we need to have a little chat... (1098 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.86 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2008-08-11 17:42:04 EDT
...just you and I. Nothing fancy. No dinner out with candles and wrap-waist waiters standing by patiently while one of us swirls a bit of wine in a glass. No carriage ride through town in the falling snow. Just good old fashioned chatter. "Beer talk," my grandfather used to call it. You, me, a lever, some nuts, and words.
We've known each other a long time, haven't we? Of course we have. Longer than we'd care to admit. It's funny how time gets away from you like that. One day you're fresh faces and the next thing you know years have passed, eyes have changed, and everyone's a little older and wiser. You wake up and you realize you've done it in every possible position and exhausted just about every finger-to-hole combination you can think of. And the boredom sets in, and the judging, and the resentment. The handjobs become trivial, the trips to Hollywood Video end in headaches, and the motions are very well and gone through when it's time to determine who's holding the suitcases. But no matter the time, as my grandfather ALSO used to say, "the dick will swing to the left." And that, my friend, is what I want discuss today.
See things do stay the same sometimes. The sea, despite its endless variations, is just water in the end. "Well so is an enema, what's the big deal?? YUK YUK YUK." Sometimes I wish the voices in my head would just shut up sometimes. They really get in the way. Like now. Lord, I'm off subject and have completely derailed my efforts to speak to the timeless nature of stories and words and interaction and how that's what keeps places like this going. Oh well, it was just going to be some bullshit filler until I got to my real point anyway. So here it is.
Here's what I'm proposing. You need to give me hits. Hits, and plenty of them. Now. I'm fucking #29 on MVA. 29. As in "under cheese-and-rice-ing ZAKALWE." What a sad state of affairs this is, and how very dare you let things turn out like they have?? Comicbookguy is on my ass like a cyst, and everybody knows that I don't trust Hindus. This needs to change. You need to change it. I'm too damn old now to be sitting at work giving myself 80,000 hits a day like I used to. And to be honest, I'm just not in the mood. I'd much rather just sit back and let you do it for me. And you know you want to. Of course you want to - what else are you going to do here? And think about it: you should know by now that attention is the petrol to the Volkswagen Rabbit of my ego's heart. And you don't want me to stay stuck on "E" do you? So come on, be good consumers and fill up the tank whydontcha. You win, I win. Reciprocity and all that. I've been having nightmares recently. Visions of blood and hair and bone and blades that cut slow and staggered. Of dog dicks resembling Vienna sausages with pulses. Of girls with problems. Yes THOSE girls. I win, you win. A dead girl, a smile. An 80lb tumor, a fetish. You win, I win. You want stories. You win. I want
Yes this is late in the day but I'm totally counting on the loser/skank shift crew to carry this through till morning, where the rest of the regulars can take care of things. Do what you have to to get this done - ask bart for a -4 button, create/sign a petition to have Leg sent to me, detail the events of your first experience with Tubgirl. I don't care. Just pass the hat and get it done. Don't fail me you silly bitches. Let's aim for 20K by tomorrow night!
AMF,
O
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-29 15:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF happened to this genius?
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-11-14 13:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What the shit is this? Where's the poetry?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-10-08 10:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey O-Man.
Check it -
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117683#2794706
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2008-08-13 18:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I shit bigger than you
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-08-13 08:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whore.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-08-13 07:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You
You
WHORE!
ahh what the hell, at least you are honest about it.
I expect some hits in return though :P
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-08-13 00:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll see your hits and raise them by 500K.
Submitted by Zax (user info) at 2008-08-12 18:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
three words...
WHAT THE FUCK?
that is all
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-08-12 17:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2008-08-11 17:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My God man! Has it come to this? Whoring yourself out like a two dollar hooker.
Damn proud of you, damn proud.
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You should see me in heels and rouge. I'll lean into your car any day.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-08-12 17:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Get me past zakalwe and let's see what happens.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-08-12 17:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh hell, why not?
This post is (sadly) better than 98% of the shit posted here anyway.
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You can change all that by continuing to pony up a solid downpayment of hits.
507 just won't cut it these days.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-08-12 15:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-12 14:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a rainbow kiss?
yeuch
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-08-12 14:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK Jake, you just made me gag. As tempting as it may be, I've never requested a rainbow kiss.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-12 14:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No one is gonna fall for the 'aww - go down on me - it tastes like raspberry jam!' line Lishy
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's always slightly annoyed me that they use blue liquid in sanitory towel adverts.
===
That's a relatively new advancement. Until recently, they weren't even allowed to show the actual product, it had to be simulated. One of those ghey rules like not allowing toilet paper to be shown hanging next to the toilet.
I think they should use raspberry jam.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's always slightly annoyed me that they use blue liquid in sanitory towel adverts.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-12 10:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How utterly trivial a thing to worry about.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Posting more than once per month just might increase your upward mobility.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no poems, yea.
dude, try to understand, Zakalwe posted PORN!
P
O
R
N
Porn.
you see where I'm coming from?
i'll throw you some hits, I apreciate a good whoring.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh hell, why not?
This post is (sadly) better than 98% of the shit posted here anyway.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Id fuck you hard
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the thing is i reary rike comic book guy so it would be good if both of you could boost up the charts
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-08-12 06:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
and you gave me shit over the Uber Awards hit whoring
goes around/comes around eh?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-08-12 01:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What the shit is this? Where's the poetry?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You wouldn't need more hits if you were a fucking legend
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
begging for hits for the mva is so 2005
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-11 22:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Item #150280230194
"Collectable" 750ml Johnny Walker Blue Label on eBay for <$165 shipped.
I love this country.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-08-11 20:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because you reminded me that the slogan for the Korean version of Always is not "have a happy period" but "enjoy your magic week"
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-11 20:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I strongly approve of this whoremanship.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-08-11 19:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-11 19:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, I don't know how much risking of life and limb there actually was. I used tools and machines rather than muscle because, while I will readily admit that I'm not stronger than the rocks, I believe I am smarter than the rocks.
Nonetheless, should MLW think that life and limb were risked, well, I won't try to dissuade her too awful hard. As to the millionaire bit: the rocks cost twelve cents a pound. Pretty cheap as landscape materials or gifts for one's LW go.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-11 19:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-08-11 19:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, skrap..you risked life and limb hauling boulders for YLW? How unconventionally romantic. *swoons*
I don't ask or care much about how much money people make, but in my mind you're like..a millionaire.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Post more rape. They will cum.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*for
*think
I'm a tard.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just brought home 970 lb of limestone boulders (which is two of them) in the back of my truck, unloaded them by myself using my engine hoist and a garden cart, and placed them in the planting area behind the lanai as a surprise to MLW who is working in the Everglades fro the next three days. I don't care what you people thing, I think Florida limestone looks cool.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got a brand new, packaged as straight from the manufacturer pair of Earth Shoes with Negative Heel Technology™ for 50% off the SALE price. I'm talking $35 to the original retail of over $120. I'm feeling PRETTY GOOD about my shopping savvy right now. I don't care what you people think, I love eBay.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3) Is that real femnapkin product art? How bizarre. She appears to be wearing fleece sweat pants, an apron, with glasses pushed up on her forehead, and playing basketball?
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and she's clearly traveling
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1) "the dick will swing to the left" What the hell did Gramps mean by that? Just an old man's version of "what goes around comes around"?
2) Zakalwe, heh, wonder whatever happened to that guy (and about a hundred others).
3) Is that real femnapkin product art? How bizarre. She appears to be wearing fleece sweat pants, an apron, with glasses pushed up on her forehead, and playing basketball?
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-08-11 18:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What did the five fingers say to the face?
SMACK!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-11 17:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's in it for moi?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2008-08-11 17:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My God man! Has it come to this? Whoring yourself out like a two dollar hooker.
Damn proud of you, damn proud.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2008-08-11 17:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love you Wilmer, even if you are a racist racist "little" man :<)
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-11 17:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a Happy period.
Submitted by joosyloosy (user info) at 2008-08-11 17:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment