Ridiculous Olympic Sports (1104 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.32 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iddqd (View user info) at 2008-08-14 12:35:31 EDT
Well its been four years since roidfest 2004, now we have loidfest 2008. See what I did there, I combined a tired joke about steroids and Olympic competition with a tired joke about the Chinese (and wider asian, I suppose) tendency to confuse 'ls' and 'rs', don't ever tell me I don't give you people quality shit. Its shit, but its only the best shit.
Ok, so yeah, the Olympics, that four-yearly excuse for someone to invade someone else while the world's media is focusing on this or that pretty face that can run or swim .0002 of a sec faster than someone else. Its full of dull, baseless rhetoric about the spirit of competition, peace, unity, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Remember when it was also about amateur competition? Yeah, neither do I, personally I think its an urban myth.
What the fuck does 'one world, one vision' mean, anyway? Oh, nothing? - just more empty rhetoric? Thought so. Free Tibet. Save The Environment. And, uuhhh, End World Hunger. Oh, and Save Ferris.
So I'm sitting in my loungeroom, unfortunately able to sleep, and im watching a 70 year old Japanese man compete at the Olympics. And good on him.
But I could only think one thing while watching him do his thing: If a 70 year old man can compete at Olympic level, then I'm sorry, its just not a fucking sport, it's a hobby, Like trainspotting, or gardening.
What was he doing? Dressage, of course. Gay name, gay 'sport'. And not just 'gay' in the cynical sense it has now become, meaning 'crap' or 'subpar', but also in the 'cocks in brown holes' sense of the world. Basically in this giant waste of time, people get dressed in evening wear, homo-cise a horse by turning it into a giant living My Little Pony and make it prance like a hairdresser on oxford street at mardi gras (that reference is pretty much only for the aussies, you other cunts can google it). they get marked on the sheer gaiety of the prancing and thus someone becomes an Olympic gold medallist, a part of the pinnacle of human physical achievement.
What did you do for your gold medal(s) Michael Phelps? "Oh, well I've trained pretty much every day of my life, swimming like 30km per day, every single day, eating right, denying myself pretty much every fun thing there is to do for my entire life, so I can jump in a pool and go less than a second faster than the next guy."
The nameless rich cunt who will get the gold for dressage? "well basically, I tarted myself up in this pretty suit and sat on a giant lawnmower while it had what looked like a prolonged seizure and some people over there gave me an arbitrary number for my efforts which was a little higher than this other rich cunt standing next to me here. Say hi, other rich cunt"
"pip pip, cheerio"
And its not like that dressage is an aberration, the exception to the rule. There are so many of these ridiculous 'sports' that I cant even write an entire post about it, itd be a long and even more boring essay. So what I'll do is list and give a basic explanation for those of you who have wisely avoided this clusterfuck.
Handball. No, its not an Olympic-level version of that game you used to play in the schoolyard with a tennis ball - that would actually be awesome if it was. No, this is basically soccer, but with hands. "But wheres the challenge in that?" you ask. Top fucking question, but I don't know why youre asking me.
Synchronised Swimming. Doing summersaults underwater where there is absolutely no risk of any possible injury, or really requires any particular skill, or physical prowess. Yeah, I'm glad we paid for you to be flown all that way. Way to be.
Beach volleyball. The only good thing about this is the women's outfits and how they cut right into their arses, making the firm, taut cheeks poke out tantalisingly, so after a while you just feel like eating a peach and you cant figure out why. If there was no men's beach volleyball, id let this hobby slide, but no. If this is in the Olympics, then the fucking Frisbee should be also.
Walking. Go fast, just not too fast. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT.
Table Tennis. It's fucking ping pong. Ping pong's awesome, and I love it, but keep it in the basement, like your dungeons and dragons dice.
Butterfly. Its swimming, but made stupid. In fact I don't see the point in any swimming style other than freestyle. Its like having the 100m skip, or the 200m relay roll-along-the-ground in track and field.
Archery and target shooting. Both of these would be cool, if they didn't use robots to do their shooting for them. I wrote a post about the archery a while back and I was quite happy with this analogy: its like doing the high jump with a step ladder. STOP CHEATING. The clay shooting remains badass.
Judo. We already have Greco-roman wrestling, which you might think id be happy to lose, given my homophobic ranting thus far, but no, I think Olympic-level tea-bagging is hilarious. Judo needs to go because we have a martial art thats partially cool in tae kwon do as well as the wrestling, PLUS judo is REALLY fucking boring.
There are more, but I'll leave it here because a) it leaves some room for you people to leave your 2 cents and thus give me precious, precious heat, which I can then translate into popularity and stave off suicide for one more day because my audience needs me. And b) im bored, so its likely you are too.
What then is the point of this post? I'm not sure, I just wanted to bitch about a rich old man being able to compete at an elite level. Do I want these sports to be removed? FUCK NO, what would I have to bitch about? I look forward to this event every leap year, so that I have something fresh to whine about on the tv, and if I don't have something to bitch about, I get all cranky and moody.
What instead, I ask, could they add to make the Olympics MORE ridiculous?
Well, I think that's a post for tomorrow.
Dibs, motherfuckers.
User Reviews
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2008-09-28 03:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
They took out baseball and put in chess... yuo gotta be kidding me...
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-09-28 02:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
firstly: what the fuck are you talking about?
secondly: who the fuck are you?
thirdly: did i hurt your widdle feelings?
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2008-09-27 21:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy shit, not only did you read something I wrote centuries ago, you managed to combine words into a sentence that seemed like you fucking cared enough about what I wrote to post a comment.
Here's a suggestion, keep your shitty opinions off my posts, and off my internets, faggle.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-19 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm yet to enjoy DLT or Skeet or other such iterations.
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those two activities are about as challenging as shooting mudhens
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-08-17 13:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least the girls presenting/escorting the medalists are 100% eye candy.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-17 13:16:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
seen the medal table bitches?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-08-17 12:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So what's your criteria for a 'good' Olympic event? Some things you mentioned shouldn't be events in my opinion (dressage) but I think most of what you listed are perfectly valid events. Beach volleyball is awesome.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-08-15 10:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and make it prance like a hairdresser on oxford street at mardi gras (that reference is pretty much only for the aussies, you other cunts can google it).
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i think i get the gist.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-15 06:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding. Iddqd is my favourite Scotsman. Sorry TTOM, but he's just more aggresive and isn't full of spiders.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-15 15:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
acknowledged.
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Asshole :)
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Google image says yes, Apollo. If I had heard the name of the sport before seeing it played, I would have expected it to suck exactly as much scrotum as it does currently.
Personally, I prefer beach volleyball at the very least to indoor volleyball. It seems much more difficult for two people to trudge around in sand than for five to run around an indoor court. I suppose the ass part of it is all well and good, but I'd rather watch woman's tennis if I want to be aroused while watching a decent sport.
I'm surprised no one has talked shit about basketball yet, although they don't exactly make it easy to find.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-08-11 07:50:17 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow, finally drumming up the courage to anonymously post on some backwater tiny website.
you can call your mother and tell her, at the age of 30, youve finally made it. YOURE ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
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I think she was more proud when my ex dead husband was was banged up for manslaughter.
But you are right, it came a close second.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
handball?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-08-12 18:05:26 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They ran around like idiots with a miniature soccer ball, dribbling every few steps (with their hands) around what looked like a three point line, and threw the ball into a net about the size of a hockey net.
Worse than rowboat racing.
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Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-08-14 02:49:00 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you seen that awful event where they run around on a basketball court throwing tiny soccer balls into hockey nets?
It seems like something the nerdy kids who didn't get to the ball bin quickly enough woudl play
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Does anyone know what this sport is called so that I may seek it out and destroy it?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
acknowledged.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on man, I threw all of that in there for a reason. Focus on the real issue here.
England are shit.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nah
but 20/20 would be ace
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-15 04:18:51 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
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I agree, but since this post is about the Olympic Games, this comment is a bit cheesefied.
And I am a prime example heat does NOt equal popularity!
B@W
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-15 00:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
This is a post that everyone can enjoy. (Like Women's beach volleyball which is being displayed all over a wall here at work at the moment. I can almost see what one of the Australian girls had for lunch every time she bends over to serve)
As for Olympic sports that should be on the menu. What about test cricket?
There's a guaranteed gold medal for Australia every four years. Apollo and his mates can even whack off about that fact that the pohms would be some sort of medal chance maybe... I doubt it but small glimmers of hope are the only things you ever get as an English sports fan.
Fuck Pietersen.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-14 23:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2008-08-14 23:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, a post that made me laugh? Don't get many of those lately.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-14 21:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird - you get more interesting the longer I stay away.
"Butterfly. Its swimming, but made stupid. In fact I don't see the point in any swimming style other than freestyle. Its like having the 100m skip, or the 200m relay roll-along-the-ground in track and field."
Pure gold.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-14 20:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"either way, hes studying law, so what the fuck would he know "
I would know that the court's leave to control the courtroom procedure and evidence is subject to s192 of the Evidence Act (NSW), taking into account the matters laid out in s192(2) and bearing in mind the fact that the court may "turn its mind to any matters it considers relevant" as established in Stanoevsky v the Queen (1995)!
How. Fucking. Useful!
And that's just off the top of my head!
Also, I love having non-stop sport on TV, even if it is Belarus v Russia in women's basketball, which it was yesterday.
Submitted by Sincere (user info) at 2008-08-14 18:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's "one world, one dream" you cunt.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-14 18:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Personally, and I know this makes Shlongy "the Devil", I think the entire CONCEPT of the Olympics sucks...and I do my best to watch none of it.
Although, if I had to, I WOULD watch the table tennis.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-08-14 16:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Butterfly. Its swimming, but made stupid. In fact I don't see the point in any swimming style other than freestyle. Its like having the 100m skip, or the 200m relay roll-along-the-ground in track and field.
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That's awesome. I'm stealing it, makin it mine.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-14 16:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The clay shooting remains badass
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sporting clays are always fun cause there's usually blackbirds around
i never tire of creating little puffs of gray-mist as i walk the course from station to statio
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It's mostly sporting I do too, anything from 50-100 clays.
I'm yet to enjoy DLT or Skeet or other such iterations.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The clay shooting remains badass
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sporting clays are always fun cause there's usually blackbirds around
i never tire of creating little puffs of gray-mist as i walk the course from station to station
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of bean bags..Corn Hole should be an Olympic event
http://www.cornhole-game.org/
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i was thinking they might as well add bean bags and polish horse shoes to the olympics now. why not dartts, billiards, and hell golden tee too. of course any participant in a bar oliympics knows these sports can take a lot out of a person especially as the games wear on and you see more and more bottoms of pint glasses.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm making a t-shirt that reads "I heart iddqd"
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was 5, I won a Gold Medal in "Oooh, You're Blue - The hold your breath game". I can't remember where I put the medal...and many other things..
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The clay shooting remains badass
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I clay shoot at weekends, so it is by definition a badass sport.
GUNS + COUNTRYSIDE + HUNGOVER BEANS = FUNFUNFUN
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Judo. We already have Greco-roman wrestling, which you might think id be happy to lose, given my homophobic ranting thus far, but no, I think Olympic-level tea-bagging is hilarious. Judo needs to go because we have a martial art thats partially cool in tae kwon do as well as the wrestling, PLUS judo is REALLY fucking boring.
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Judo is completely different than wrestling (freestyle or greco roman) and tae-kwon-do. But I wouldn;t expect a nancy like yourself to appreciate the different ways to cause harm to others.
Still many olympic sports blow.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-14 14:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-14 13:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What was shlongy competing in?
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Teeth punching and money counting.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-14 13:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What was shlongy competing in?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-08-14 13:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-14 13:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you mentioned synchronized diving then you are correct.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-08-14 13:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you didn't make much of an argument against beach volleyball...its a sport
archery would be ok if they were using Longbows instead of Compounds but I've shot a lot of archery and its fucking pretty tough
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2008-08-14 13:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... I thought this was funny, actually. Especially about the butterfly. HA! 100 meter skip.
Also, I don't agree with "One world, one vision" or any such motto that tries to persuade someone to be just like someone else. That's like a world of Stepford wives, or zombies, or communism but really really big. I'm for individualism. I think the world would advance more quickly and become better if we all stopped trying to show everyone else our "visions." That's what happened during the crusades, you retarded sheeple. Let like-minded people live in communities together to practice what they practice, and other like-minded tribes (if you will) live a few miles away practicing whatever it is they practice. For this reason I am against government, taxes, and Obama. I also hate McCain, but for different reasons.
Whoa, off topic. Nevermind.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-08-14 13:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This reminded me of this awsomely funny SNL skit from the 80's:
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/mens-synchronized-swimming/1980340333
I can't find the entire thing. It was great though.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-08-14 12:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
congratulations, youve stumped me.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-08-14 12:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haussmann%27s_renovation_of_Paris
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-08-14 12:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and hes studying law, which means that a) he'll charge you for the answer, or b) lie.
either way, hes studying law, so what the fuck would he know
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-08-14 12:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its an adverb. which makes it a lazy word, but a word nonetheless.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-14 12:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is "tantalisingly" a word?
*Yozz dials Phallic_Cymbals telephone number*