Bus preachers or Why not to make eye contact with strangers (638 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Redundancy Dept. of Redundancy (View user info) at 2008-10-05 23:05:53 EDT
I had to work Saturday but managed to get off an hour and a half early. It was a beautiful day out and the peasant wagon wasn't scheduled to arrive for another 20 minutes, so to stretch my legs, I took a stroll down the road to another bus stop, where I was approached by an unassuming quintegenarian lady.
After some polite small talk about the weather, she asked an odd question that threw me off. She asked if I heard anything on the internet about something big that's supposed to happen on October 14th. I admitted I had not, and prodded her for info on what exactly she heard. She appeared very uncomfortable and fidgeted. She never did answer my question, but only warned me not to believe it. She did, however, let loose an avalanche of WTF. Some of her gems included:
1. The Illuminati control everything. They're responsible for the economic meltdown and for the earthquake in China.
2. FEMA is going to enslave us all and they're planning for something big. Supposedly, a YouTube search for "FEMA camps" will show piles of coffins - "What are they for?"
3. Nicholae Tesla was the antichrist, and was taken down by the government for building machines that could control the weather and crack the earth. He could also pull electricity out of the air. Westinghouse was evil too, but she never elaborated.
4. The government is going to put chips in our hands. The chips are the mark of the Beast. Coincidentally, Mr. Christ is scheduled for a visit "very soon".
5. We are all part of the Matrix. We are programs in God's computer.
6. Revelations says all the dead will walk the earth on the day of judgment. To house all these zombies, is God's kingdom of heaven, which will actually be a building on earth. Her exact specifications were: it will be the size of Mexico, 3500 floors high and built with crystal, 2 miles thick.
7. She has a knife, some flint and is learning to build underground shelters and use a compass.
8. The government is going to give us all chips, take "our guns" (please tell me this crazy old hag doesn't have a gun permit?) and then everything is going to collapse from there. Best get yourself a piece of land in the middle of nowhere to hold them off. Them was never defined.
9. Ain't nowhere in the Bible where it says anybody's going to heaven before Jesus comes back.
10. "The Secret", "The Matrix" and the Bible are all God's word.
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Tell me what you think, uberers. Is this kind of craziness spilling over into suburbia a sign of urban sprawl? Has anybody here met a subway preacher or their public bus counterpart?
User Reviews
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-10-07 13:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This talk is driving me (*) crazy. Harp and fema camps........ acck runs away, puts head back in sand.
I read Forensic's reply with the Palin accent.HAHAHA you poor dear,with family like that who needs crazy.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2008-10-06 18:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the bus? ewwww only homeless people and mexicans take the bus.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-06 15:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very rarely do I rate what I read.
Cirrus.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-06 12:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good question.
So, if one reads the OT (old testament), apparently it's ok for Lot to offer up his virgin daughters to be gang raped by the sex crazed mob in order to protect two angels, but it is NOT ok for fellers to have some buttsecks.
Buttsecks = no no
Gang rape = yay
Protecting angels. If they were angels, that meant they were superhuman and supernatural. They couldn't defend themselves from a human sex crazed mob? From what I understand, one angel can completely level and smite the land (forever) of two cities. So, again, apparently it is better to sacrifice one's female children rather than not protect two beings who for all practical purposes did not require protection in the first place.
Not offering protection to beings who didn't need it = no no
Gang rape = yay
How anyone, but especially women, can buy into a belief system where gang rape is not only considered acceptable, but sanctioned by god (there are many other instances when god apparently winked at and allowed gang rape against conquered lands), is totally beyond me.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-10-06 11:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On the topic of Sodom and Gomorrah, if you can be sodomized it makes sense that a person can get Gomorrahized?
Are you called a Gammorite?
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-10-06 11:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
eh? who cares?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-06 10:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's people like this that drive me to go out on a perfectly fine Saturday afternoon and buy 180 rounds of ammunition.
Just in case.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-10-06 09:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Usually the subway preachers don't talk to anyone directly but just stand in the center of the car and yell their sermon pretty loudly. Some will go on for no less than 20 minutes, most have thick African or West Indian accents.
The latest preacher isn't so bad. He's American at least and his sermon only lasts one stop, after which he moves on to the next car.
It's always the same thing though:
"I was a [insert vice] addict for [insert #] years but I was saved. I found Jesus and I am saved. You can be saved to. All you have to do is open up your heart to the Lord. Just say that you believe he died for your sins and rose from the dead, believe it in your heart and you will be saved.
"There's a lot of bad things going on: infidelity, drug abuse, kids born out of wedlock, war, famine, etc. If we all put our faith in Jesus we wouldn't be having these problems....."
And so forth and so on. If you've never experienced a subway preacher, consider yourself truly blessed. Their ear-splitting speeches (especially if it's a woman) are not pleasant at any time, much less at 7:30 in the morning.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-10-06 09:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Religion = Crazy.
However I think the advice of getting remote land and lock down to hold "them" off is a good one. Whether it's religious warriors (bah), or some kind of riots, rebellion, the rich, due to the collapse of capitalism or mutant / zombie abominations. We're gonna need to fight "them" off.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-06 09:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whack sauce. What a fucking loon. I'm sorry that such a weirdo assailed you with her verbal claptrap.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-06 08:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll have some of what Forensics family are smoking please.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-06 08:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most of my family, all except 1 aunt and 2 cousins, are ultra fundamentalists *coughCULTISTScough*. Hmmm, did I just say that out loud?
Anyway, this is some of their chatter. Brace yourself. It ain't pretty. Or sane.
We are in the End Days. Armageddon is nigh. God is coming to put the smack down on the entire earth and it'll be Sodom and Gomorrah all over again with firey judgement raining down from heaven.
Millions of dead people will be littered around, having been rightly smoted by the lord.
And lo, behold the birds of heaven! 'Come and sup at my table', sayeth the lord to the birds. The birds shall thus dine upon the wicked and pluck their eyeballs out and feed upon the rotting flesh of the wicked people who chose to follow Satan in the last days.
Only the righteous (i.e. those that belong to their religion dontchaknow) will survive god's judgement. They salivate at the prospect of watching most of the inhabited earth being destroyed. GO END DAYS, WOOT!
Once Armageddon is finished, they get to live forever......but only if they pass another test one thousand years after Armageddon when Satan is re-released from his prison to once again test/tempt humankind. Apparently, you can still fuck up and be smoted by god if you get lured by Satan upon his re-release. If you pass the test, you're home free. After a little while of parole, Satan is destroyed forever and nothing bad will ever happen again. Never ever!
This is only a small sampling of what most of my family believes. Of course, they tell me (at every chance) that unless I repent and come to the lord, I'll be smoted at Armageddon and the birds will feed on my rotting carcass and pluck out my eyeballs.
Submitted by BigDaddyDubya (user info) at 2008-10-06 08:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-06 06:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rum N Raisin?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-06 05:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I was on a bus, reading a newspaper. The bus was mildly busy but nobody was talking to one another. I looked up as a burly chap left his seat, crossed the aisle to open a window, and then sat down again. Thirty seconds later, another man stood up, closed the very same window, and sat down too.
Bewildered, I watched as the men took turns in standing up and opening or closing the window, each time getting more and more agitated with one another, and exchanging threatening glares. Eventually the man who wanted the window closed refused to take his seat, and stood next to the window, holding it shut, while staring at his adversary with eyes that fairly burned with anger.
'Open the window,' ordered the first man.
'Naw,' replied the second.
'Open the fucking window!' he yelled.
'FUCKING MAKE ME!' roared the other.
Then I pressed the button, the bus slowed down, pulled over, and I got out at my stop. I got an ice-cream on the way home.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-10-06 05:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm kind of amazed you let someone get so far.
Usually when i'm on the bus and I happen to sit next to 'the looney' I move. I could give a shit if I'm hurting anyone's feelings, they start being weird---I leave.
The looney on the bus is never interesting, and you can't argue with them, so what's the point in listening?
Submitted by Little_Sally (user info) at 2008-10-06 01:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry. fag below, etc.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-10-06 01:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, i missed the whole point.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-10-06 01:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1. The Illuminati control everything. They're responsible for the economic meltdown and for the earthquake in China.
True. They wanted the economic metdown (obvious typo, but I'm going to leave it in. Seems like Meltdown and Met should be mentioned in the same sentence.) in the first place, as they took all of their money out of the market to drive prices lower. Obvious. Sheesh. They are also 33rd degree masons. If you believe in that sort of thing, which I for one, do not.
True. FEMA wants to kill as many of us as possible. The blue roof program is just for identification. "These are the places that are most vulnerable" thinks FEMA.
3. Nicholae Tesla was the antichrist, and was taken down by the government for building machines that could control the weather and crack the earth. He could also pull electricity out of the air. Westinghouse was evil too, but she never elaborated.
True. Tesla was probably more fundamental in the spread of electricity than anybody, but he never got credit. Then Westinghouse bought his genius, and both of them later died. What is your point?
4. The government is going to put chips in our hands. The chips are the mark of the Beast. Coincidentally, Mr. Christ is scheduled for a visit "very soon".
True... this is so stupid I can't logically refute it.
5. We are all part of the Matrix. We are programs in God's computer.
True. But Keanu Reeves couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag with a flashlight and a Meisner book in his hands.
6. Revelations says all the dead will walk the earth on the day of judgment. To house all these zombies, is God's kingdom of heaven, which will actually be a building on earth. Her exact specifications were: it will be the size of Mexico, 3500 floors high and built with crystal, 2 miles thick.
If you belive in that type of shit feel free to start generating the necessary parameters for the building. I know some people in architecture who would really love to have the job.
7. She has a knife, some flint and is learning to build underground shelters and use a compass.
Why does she need to build underground shelters? What a waste of time. Tell her that with the compass, she could easily find her way to a holiday inn. With the flint she may be able to start a fire.
8. The government is going to give us all chips, take "our guns" (please tell me this crazy old hag doesn't have a gun permit?) and then everything is going to collapse from there. Best get yourself a piece of land in the middle of nowhere to hold them off. Them was never defined.
The government will never "take our guns" unless our guns are taken from our lifeless, cold hands. Does the government even know where I keep my guns? If the government did, that would be exceptionally fortuitous of the government.
9. Ain't nowhere in the Bible where it says anybody's going to heaven before Jesus comes back.
True, and it makes you wonder why there are all those christians out there. Obviously the religion is complete bullshit. However, if it is right, where are those souls waiting? Is it like Purgatory? Are they being burned for their sins? Does anybody really believe in that sort of nonsense anymore?
10. "The Secret", "The Matrix" and the Bible are all God's word.
Not true. They were bad movies. Go dunk your head in some cold water.
11. This post was a piece of shit, and worthy of Uber's highest honor.
True.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-10-06 00:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not even that she believes we're in the matrix that blew my mind. It's that she believed a good 5 or 6 conflicting conspiracy theories/religious views, some of which contradicted each other.
To be honest, she was so whacked out, I wondered if she'd stab me in the neck and decapitate me as soon as we were on the bus.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-10-06 00:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5. We are all part of the Matrix.
___________
She does have a point.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-10-05 23:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicholae Tesla built machines that could crack the earth
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From what I remember, he supposedly built a machine that could generate sound waves at a perfect and consistent frequency that would cause the stone walls to vibrate and eventually destroy the buildings. This was not an instantaneous feat mind you; the vibrations were to rise exponentially over time. The lever that would turn it on and off once broke and he was forced to destroy the machine before it brought down the building he was in.
I almost believe he built it, but I can't conceive of it actually working that well.
The mythbusters actually did one on this
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-10-05 23:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha.. I figured it would be something along those lines after the crazy BS she was preaching.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2008-10-05 23:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
UFOs are apparantly going to fly overhead and let off lights and shit on 10/14/2008.
http://www.realufos.net/2008/09/october-14-2008-ufo-message-update.html