Handjob Auditions (SFW) (2733 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.17 on 136 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-10-22 05:20:17 EDT
So last night I couldn't get to sleep, despite having smoked myself senseless. All manner of oddities were flitting through my head...and then, before I knew what I was going I'd rolled out of bed, staggered to the study and written down preliminary notes on a sheet of paper, apparently for some sort of book.
GRAPHOLOGY ROCKS!
User Reviews
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-10-25 04:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Sounds like an ITV drama special that I wouldn't watch.
Submitted by Ionium (user info) at 2008-10-24 14:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-24 03:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:39:59 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:29:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is Flash and Orphelia falling out? This is most sad news! No falling out! I don't like falling out, it gives me a sick feeling in my tummy and makes me twitchy.
Who has been fighting and what has been said? My nosiness in proper over drive now!!!
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I e fell for him, found out he wasn't single, I was pregnant and well, then he e broke my e heart.
It is all very e complicated.
I like to think, if we'd met some other time, oh yeah, and for real, we'd probably be married with the occasional threesome (a man treat for him and a little bit of muff for me).
Seriously, my e affair with FJ nearly sent me over the edge.
:(
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had to go to counselling to e get over you.
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2008-10-23 23:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, I fail to see any humor whatsoever in this.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh. So this is one of those stories with drugs that paralles another person with other problems? It sounds really original. Will there be a really important meaningful ending to?
End Jack ass/
I'm drunk. AS you were.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-10-23 16:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-10-23 16:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-23 13:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
every fiber of my being is screaming EW at diabetic ice cream
I myself am not allowed to eat sugar or carbs and I havent ventured into that...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 13:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On another note, is it normal I forget I have diabetes?
Walking round Tesco earlier, doing the grocery shopping, I helped myself to a jam donut out the packet (I am pregnant, it is allowed, as is feeding you screaming kid grapes or Mini Cheddars yet to be paid for just them the fuck up) and was half way through when I thought 'shite, I am diabetic'.
Diabetic icecream is appalling, it tastes like frozen monkey spunk. And baking with Splenda is just diabolical.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-23 13:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 13:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Banj, Id rather have a proper career than a love life and kids. But I will say, having a kid at thirty is waaay harder and more complicated health wise than it was at 22.
Sgt/Banj, I prefer to watch lez porn, or if it has a guy I will watch her. I have had a girlfriend but she was so lezbo she was like 'lets cuddle' and she was so crazy jealous too. I prefer to have flings with other hetro curious women, the sex is crazy and you both only do it for the thrill, not the 'being together'.
Two of my closest mates are lesbo and lets just say when they have relationships they can be pretty intense and even violent, apparently this is quite normal.
Banj, every woman should have at least one lez shag. It is awesome!
-----------------------------
I dont think I know ONE girl that doesn't like watching lez porn.
its fantastic. But you're right, alot of them that have had purely sexual relationships with women are completely turned off by the "relationship" part, they dont wanna cuddle, just get dirty.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 13:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Banj, Id rather have a proper career than a love life and kids. But I will say, having a kid at thirty is waaay harder and more complicated health wise than it was at 22.
Sgt/Banj, I prefer to watch lez porn, or if it has a guy I will watch her. I have had a girlfriend but she was so lezbo she was like 'lets cuddle' and she was so crazy jealous too. I prefer to have flings with other hetro curious women, the sex is crazy and you both only do it for the thrill, not the 'being together'.
Two of my closest mates are lesbo and lets just say when they have relationships they can be pretty intense and even violent, apparently this is quite normal.
Banj, every woman should have at least one lez shag. It is awesome!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orphelia.... What's being a lesbian like? Would I like it?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But on a plus note to my tragic love situation, I've just got a new job and am flying out to the Emirates at the beginning of next year to embark on a life in the Cities of Gold flying atop a golden condor. All is not lost!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I might be lesbian, actually, Sgt.
I mean, sexually, women get me off waaaay more than men, despite me loving a bit of willy.
But relationship wise, I have to be with a man. I love man smell, man strength, man dominance, big man arms. A butch woman wouldn't cut it.
I think I am a non practising lesbian.
Banj, don't get pregnant, you can have this one (just a few weeks left!) I'd, on reflection, much prefer to have a pug.
=============================
hey theres alot of girls out there who get off on girls but enjoy dating men. Its a curious area to be in. I mean don't get me wrong its HOT, but curious. I mean do you find women sexier than men? and thereby more attractive?
I need to get laid.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pregnant, me??? Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Fat chance!
My life is far too tragic at the moment for pregnancy! First I have to find somebody to have sex with and with my current mental issues and craziness, they're flocking away from me as they would a shitty nappy.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:43:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
The second one sounds more like the Orphelia I've always imagined.
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*Shocked*
hehe
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I might be lesbian, actually, Sgt.
I mean, sexually, women get me off waaaay more than men, despite me loving a bit of willy.
But relationship wise, I have to be with a man. I love man smell, man strength, man dominance, big man arms. A butch woman wouldn't cut it.
I think I am a non practising lesbian.
Banj, don't get pregnant, you can have this one (just a few weeks left!) I'd, on reflection, much prefer to have a pug.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm...
I choose neither but +2 for two equally as interesting plot lines to the FJ / Orphelia love affair.
Thinking about it, you haven't posted anything in ages and when the heck is the baby coming?
Everybody is pregnant except me at the moment. My friends are dropping like flies! Do you think you're body gets to a certain state of fertility and decides fuck it, I'm going to pregnant on the whiff of jizz?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:29:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is Flash and Orphelia falling out? This is most sad news! No falling out! I don't like falling out, it gives me a sick feeling in my tummy and makes me twitchy.
Who has been fighting and what has been said? My nosiness in proper over drive now!!!
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I e fell for him, found out he wasn't single, I was pregnant and well, then he e broke my e heart.
It is all very e complicated.
I like to think, if we'd met some other time, oh yeah, and for real, we'd probably be married with the occasional threesome (a man treat for him and a little bit of muff for me).
Seriously, my e affair with FJ nearly sent me over the edge.
:(
==============================
wow, if only I could have an e-affair. :-(
hehe a little muff for you. You cheeky broad you.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The second one sounds more like the Orphelia I've always imagined.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, either that or we met in Newcastle, fucked hard for two nights (despite me being 3 months pregnant at the time), he gave me an STD, 'borrowed' 120 quid from my purse and treated me like total shite after getting what he wanted.
You choose.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:29:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is Flash and Orphelia falling out? This is most sad news! No falling out! I don't like falling out, it gives me a sick feeling in my tummy and makes me twitchy.
Who has been fighting and what has been said? My nosiness in proper over drive now!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I e fell for him, found out he wasn't single, I was pregnant and well, then he e broke my e heart.
It is all very e complicated.
I like to think, if we'd met some other time, oh yeah, and for real, we'd probably be married with the occasional threesome (a man treat for him and a little bit of muff for me).
Seriously, my e affair with FJ nearly sent me over the edge.
:(
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I know I'm blatantly too late for all this... That sucks...
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 12:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is Flash and Orphelia falling out? This is most sad news! No falling out! I don't like falling out, it gives me a sick feeling in my tummy and makes me twitchy.
Who has been fighting and what has been said? My nosiness in proper over drive now!!!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-10-23 08:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 08:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's just a fancier word than 'shy'.
----
It's really not. Fancy words are there for a reason Bell.
And don't reply. I'm trying to have my name as the most recently reviewed on the ENTIRE front page.
Yes, little things give me enjoyment.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 08:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's just a fancier word than 'shy'.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-10-23 08:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do people on the internet always refer themselves as 'introverted' it has become such an overused term.
Not being able to talk to random people at a social gathering is not 'introverted'
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 07:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To be fair, I have seen the connection made at least half a dozen other times by other users.
However, if I have upset you, I must apologise.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-23 07:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 07:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe I am being a tad harsh.
But if I tell someone via email something I know about another Uber user and then they make some comment on Uber regarding this info (which they had no idea of before I told them) then that, to me, is a little betrayal of confidence.
I don't reveal anything I find out in emails on Uber, and damn, I know some juicy stuff, it's like unwritten Uber law.
FJ broke the code.
lol
Seriously FJ, I saw the comment (aka hissy fit) you had with that handsome Yank and you know you used stuff I told you to try and e fight him.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-23 07:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Oh Oh!
What's going on here!!!!!
I'm totally intrigued now.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-23 07:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 06:19:26 CDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-10-23 02:54:50 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
you annoy me.
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lol.
You have pissed me off so much, using what I told you privately in an email to pass comment to someone on Uber sucks big time and makes you no better than the person you were trying to e humiliate - which is pathetic in itself.
Eat shite.
+++++++++
?!
Seriously? When was this and who was it about?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-23 07:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-10-23 02:54:50 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
you annoy me.
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lol.
You have pissed me off so much, using what I told you privately in an email to pass comment to someone on Uber sucks big time and makes you no better than the person you were trying to e humiliate - which is pathetic in itself.
Eat shite.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 06:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...the streets are paved with needles...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She went to Hull?!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*sigh*
Alright FJ, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She didn't die. She just went away to a place where she doesn't have to worry about being sick anymore and the streets are paved with needles that inject endorphins directly into the soles of your feet.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously. That is the risk you take when you are a gangsta.
*complicated hand gesture*
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nobody has cancer anymore. Squirilly Girl turned her toes up.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah a newsletter would be good. Who's running which alter, who's got cancer, who's in prison. Who's disabled, who's diseased, who's a virgin and who's a slut.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rehab is just a prison for quitters.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought he was in rehab...?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-23 05:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought Scourge was in prison? We need a newsletter or something...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-23 04:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-10-23 02:54:50 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
you annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~
I don't think I have really formed an opinion of you yet...
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-22 23:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dredwood (user info) at 2008-10-22 22:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't read most of this shit, that pisses me off for some reason. FUCK, write better next time!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-10-22 21:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you annoy me.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-10-22 16:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to write stuff when I smoked myself senseless and thought it was great but when I read it back the next day I found it was
BRILLIANT!!!!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-10-22 16:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like books with aliens and robots.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-10-22 15:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-10-22 14:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow! What happened here?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sgt - I don't like the term 'bisexual' but I suppose that's how I would be described. I don't really look at people as being male/female or gay/straight, I try to see the person behind those labels...and sometimes boys can be really fucking sexy, as well as girls.
Shemales, however, FTW.
===============================
well, shit.
you learn something new everyday.
holy hell you must keep busy.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Male" and "Female" are labels?
And here I've been thinking they were just biological differences for the last 40 years.
GOSH I'M STOOPID!
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...and sometimes boys can be really fucking sexy, as well as girls.
=================================================================================================
Well that explains a lot.
I apologize for the fag comments.
Fag.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have the penmanship of a cabin boy and not in the deck scrubbing sense.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sgt - I don't like the term 'bisexual' but I suppose that's how I would be described. I don't really look at people as being male/female or gay/straight, I try to see the person behind those labels...and sometimes boys can be really fucking sexy, as well as girls.
Shemales, however, FTW.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-10-22 17:19:03 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Banjo is a fucking douchebag.
-----
You shouldn't be using the word douchebag Oathmeal you ginger gimp, it is far too cool for you. Get back in your box and be sodomised like a good little gimp and if you cry, well, Flash will come at you with his big black strapon.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're going to start masturbating again, aren't you?
Remember to put a towel down.
=============================
hoo fah!
Banjo, are you suggesting that FJ loves the cock?
Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Banjo is a fucking douchebag.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're going to start masturbating again, aren't you?
Remember to put a towel down.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess I've just decided what you're getting for Christmas!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Because I've yet to meet a woman who can wield a strap-on as convincingly as the real thing.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And everybody is leaving the office, I think you know what that means!!!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why you like to play with boys I'll never know!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think about it everyday. Mind you, it was a good job I had some Sensodyne in the cabinet.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're forgetting about the ice cold coca cola followed by hot cup of tea! The fountain was unsurmountable.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 16:14:12 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 15:57:09 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Banjo gives wild handjobs. Simply wild.
................
Hahahaha Flash and you should know! Had you at 2 minutes last time a record by anybody's standards.
...............
What was that trick you did with your thumbnail, some cold breath and a smidgeon of wasabi? Breathtaking.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Okaaaaaay....
So...what's your point?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 16:20:34 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-25 16:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you give up and quit trying, you fail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Perhaps, but equally you can try all your life and still fail. Resilience =/= success.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-10-25 16:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you give up and quit trying, you fail.
That goes for anybody.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2) You only fail if you give up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sounds like the kind of thing a failure would come out with.
Just sayin'.
==========================
Perhaps. I'm quoting Forensicgirl. Is she a failure?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha Flash and you should know! Had you at 2 minutes last time a record by anybody's standards. I have no idea why you bother playing with the same team, and it leaves a funny after smell.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i feel
completely
owned
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2) You only fail if you give up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sounds like the kind of thing a failure would come out with.
Just sayin'.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 11:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BAMF:
1) I have no felony conviction, nor have I ever committed a felony crime. I have two misdemeanor offenses. I agree it's not much better, but, I am not at the point where I look forward to my conjugal visits.
2) You only fail if you give up.
3) Eat my shit.
4) You're ugly.
5) I had waffles for breakfast.
6) I actually like this dude's writing. I just enjoy stirring up shit.
7) I want to fuck your mouth as well as Banjo's.
8) There's no business like show business.
9) Republican politicians are dumb.
10) I'm masturbating AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 13:08:03 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blah bla blah abuse of the english language blah blah blah
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blah blah blah beautiful sculpture of text blah blah blah
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Indeed, in my spare time I'm a full time dead person stalker. I crouch by gravesides clutching bunches of flowers with a permanent tear in the corner of my eye. You should try it, I hear the dead find it comfortin in the afterlife. Unfortunately I can't extend my services to the run of the mill dead person, there just isn't enough hobby time in the day. They have to have been a celebrity or done something at least mildly interesting.
-----------
goth
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Banjo gives wild handjobs. Simply wild.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i would think your failure of a life makes you cry emo tears, felon.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Having internets strangers call me worthless makes me cry emo tears.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Indeed, barely worth the effort of arguing with.
There are homosexuals in Scotland Banjo. I should know.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Banjo, sweetie, you know that all I wanna do is fuck your mouth.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha....mow down some grannies
that's funny
director is worthless
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To be honest I really couldn't give a shit, so let's just leave it at that.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So my age and a former occupation during hard times is the best you can come up with?
I'm pretty sure it's time you started growing up little fellah.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 15:21:08 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nooooooooo, I don't get embarrassed. What's the point?
Nice comeback though genius.
Word of warning; calling other men "pet" makes you seem gayer than your accent, your country, and your posts combined
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AND I DIDN'T JUST READ THIS! Did you just disrespect our country? Did you say we were homosexuals?
The world is not big enough for you to hide from our wrath. Why don't you down a bottle of Jack Daniels, get in your car and mow down some grannies.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 13:08:03 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Matilda and The Enormous Crocodile are my favourite Roald Dahl books. I've reminsced his death about as much as Douglas Adams. Great losses to literature.
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"reminsced his death"? Were you there? Is it like a hobby, to stalk dying authors and stare at them as they pass over?
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Indeed, in my spare time I'm a full time dead person stalker. I crouch by gravesides clutching bunches of flowers with a permanent tear in the corner of my eye. You should try it, I hear the dead find it comfortin in the afterlife. Unfortunately I can't extend my services to the run of the mill dead person, there just isn't enough hobby time in the day. They have to have been a celebrity or done something at least mildly interesting.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aren't you like some forty year old weirdo? Who works as a waiter? And pretended to have been sent to jail for some god-forsaken reason?
*Points and laughs*
Go scrape your mother's tongue if you want a decent comeback, toots.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nooooooooo, I don't get embarrassed. What's the point?
Nice comeback though genius.
Word of warning; calling other men "pet" makes you seem gayer than your accent, your country, and your posts combined.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 15:10:58 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the homosexual anal sex was this, dickboy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't help but feel that this clumsy line embarrasses you more than anything I could possibly think up. Work on your insults, pet.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-22 10:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the homosexual anal sex was this, dickboy?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-22 09:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kathmandu actually.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 09:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Painting quite a picture, below.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've an idea!
What about a paranoid schizophrenic grandfather who is shell shocked and has aids. He has a muddy hole in the backyard that he fondles like a drunken sailor on shore leave who found a weak willed but kind of hot for it woman. He likes to think of himself as a captain of the worlds military, commonly refering to himself as such and wears a monacle. He is bold and hardened by years of abuse and likes to take the long roads home gathering flowers for his girlfriends that don't exist.
Then one day, while walking and gathering flowers, he finds a baby on the side of the road. He trains the baby to be a killer and on it's 18th birthday, the old mans' birthday as well, he leaves mysteriously without a trace. He returns 10 years later with an eyepatch and a strong thirst for heroin trying to bankrupt the old man by conning him into buying into some huge phoney corporation that is on the brink of the cure for schizophrenia.
Granddad eventually catches him because he listens to every phone conversation that the boy/man makes. Spilling his plot on the phone some dark stormy night to some whore/hitperson of a women in catmandoo.
Oh, and the whore is not really a woman. Although he/she is the hottest piece of ass in catmandoo she is really a puerto rican man that transformed himself into a woman because his mommy used to give him daily rectal temperature readings transending him into a nirvana of sexual ecstacy. So, he's confused a bit about anal and women and things He uses his accent to bait unsuspecting men and sometimes women into his sex lair which he/she and the boy torture and kill most of the people they take in for their inability to properly suck a cock. Which they both have. Cocks I mean. Not the inability to suck because they are both master of cock sucking. That is why they are so mean to people that can not suck well.
Oh and you should probably put a mystical creature in there... owlbear, pumpkin head, zod, medusa all of the above would be bad ass. Perhaps during one of the old mans schizophrenic episodes.
Yeah, that would be a good story!
I forgot about all the weed they would be smoking. They would probably smoke weed every 2-3 hours.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough, and you seem to be a well enough writer to pull it off so I give you my blessing and best wishes...not that you needed my blessing but as the weather I think you'll find that: I'm kind of a big deal around here.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-22 13:22:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure it's been done before in a great variety of ways, but if you can make it interesting, then go forth and do it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The plot might have been done to death, but the devil's in the detail.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't mean to be rude but this plot has been done to death with the only fresh exception being a 2 generation gap.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MWG are you still in the 'people-send-me-stuff' game?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure it's been done before in a great variety of ways, but if you can make it interesting, then go forth and do it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-22 12:54:07 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
isn't this like double dipping...you get to post your thoughts on a post you plan on writing?
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It's a post within a post. It's post-modern. Shakespearean. Stoppardian.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you cheeky motherfucker.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Matilda and The Enormous Crocodile are my favourite Roald Dahl books. I've reminsced his death about as much as Douglas Adams. Great losses to literature.
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"reminsced his death"? Were you there? Is it like a hobby, to stalk dying authors and stare at them as they pass over?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-22 08:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
double dipping double dipping double dipping double dipping double dipping
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhhrrrrgh!!! Don't say double dipping! It is the most evil expression in the world! Take it back!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
isn't this like double dipping...you get to post your thoughts on a post you plan on writing?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although you're not a doctor...
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Documentary journalist? That would be cool! Flash and his escapades with young Zimbawean men. I watched The Last King of Scotland a few weeks ago... I can't believe I put off watching that film, it was incredible! I could see you getting in a pickle like that.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
War zones? Haha, no chance. I'd like to be one of these columnists who gets paid £150k to write a few hundred words for a magazine or two, stays at home to look after the dogs and the baby, while my wife is down at the coalface busting balls and suing people.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Matilda and The Enormous Crocodile are my favourite Roald Dahl books. I've reminsced his death about as much as Douglas Adams. Great losses to literature.
What kind of journalist Flash? Written journalist, travel to war zones journalist...?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can sculpt a swan from a Mr Whippy ice-cream using only my tongue.
And I can shell an oyster with my peenis.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, the Twits. That was awesome.
Almost as good as the Witches. Nothing is new, all stories all recycled.
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With a grubby attitude like that, you should become a journalist.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wouldn't you like to know!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Top 2%...you must have rather nimble fingers.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Handwriting... God, I've almost forgotten what a pen is let alone how to put one to paper. Comes with being in the top 2% of the UK's typists. How depressing but it does mean I can type about as fast as I can think which is faster than putting pen to paper. My scrawls are illiegible unless its perhaps a phone number.
I like the one about the thief. That idea has merit. I also sort of liked the idea about the old people but although a good idea, nobody likes to read about old people and I think they might cancel out what is a good idea. Maybe change it from old people to sociopathic coworkers or something... who knows...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, the Twits. That was awesome.
Almost as good as the Witches. Nothing is new, all stories all recycled.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked Berty's ideas better.
And I think Roald Dahl covered 'An old couple who secretly try to kill one another by various subtle devices', or near enough.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 07:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Other book ideas:
An old couple who secretly try to kill one another by various subtle devices;
A blind woman and a mischevious guide-dog who steals, shits on and eats everything it sees;
A thief who breaks into a millionaire's house several times, slowly building up a strange grudging relationship with the man he steals from.
Not the rain. Not today. NOT TODAY...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps, in these troubled times, belief is all there is to grasp onto; lest we succumb to the crippling oppression that abounds.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are lots of people saying "I believe in you" recently. I have also started watching Space Above and Beyond a lot and that comes up a whole bunch in that as well.
COINCIDENCE!? I think not! Another argument for soliloquism, methinks.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can only see one typo there...
But yeah that isn't surprising as I'm a bit useless at the minute. Do you like my chicken-scrawl handwriting? I used to have such elegant, neat longhand.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So last night I couldn't get to sleep, despite having smoked myself senseless. All manner of oddities were flitting through my head...and then, before I knew what I was going I'd rolled out of bed, staggered to the study and written down preliminary notes on a sheet of paper, apparently for some sort of book.
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Two typpos in an opening paragraph... This is most out of character Flash!
This does seem a little contrived and I've seen far better ideas from you. +2 for stoned scribblings though!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything seems a little formulaic when it is written down in such an obvious 'plot-plan' way. There were other themes and scenes I thought of when I went back to bed, but then I went to sleep. And, like all Scots, I forget things in my sleep.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these sort of things. The moment grabs you and you start scribbling away before falling asleep contented, then you wake up and look at the strange clusters or free writes you did the night before and shake the head, before tucking them away in your notebook for future reference or working.
The idea seems a little cliched, but hell there is nothing new under the sun aparently. Stick with it Bell, we believe in ya!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have always been a fan of the Byronic hero character. Strong, thoughtful and flawed. I also like things like duality and symmetry.
But I suppose that's not a 'typical' northern taste...for the most part Scots like drink, politics, and occasional sex (but just so they don't have to turn on the central heating).
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 06:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps it is a bit. You wouldn't want to lose your customer base, old people, middle aged women and northerners, by failing to identify with them. Perhaps we should ask what middle aged women want?
According to Radio four, middle aged women like strong male protagonists who are quiet, vulnerable and who rape (that is actually true). Old men like sensible pragmatists who achieve Great Things (Great Things can be anything from saving the British Empire to porking a hot bird). What do northerners like?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I did think of that (apparently) when I wrote 'health - mental?'
So the grandfather is going to be a demented, slobbery, forgetful old pervert and the grandson is an anarchic, cross-dressing glamour-puss. Grandfather, in his delirium, imagines that Grandson is in fact Grandmother, and points his exposed willy at him at least once a day.
This is turning out weird.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah. That's about write. (ha ha)
Just no drugs, please.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Or write about the mentally impaired. That's always popular. What if the Grandfather has alzheimers? Lots of people are old these days and alzheimers only gets more and more relevant to the British people as time passes.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hah, yeah okay, the grandson is a transvestite who has to move in with his grandfather who is either wildly homophobic and wants to kill him, or perversely indiscriminate and wants to play 'happy bums.'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A hardboiled Scottish detective who wears a skirt. An SAS soldier who is on a covert operation in South America to track down a terrorist mastermind who is seperated from his squad and must navigate the dense, mountainous, jungle in high heels. A woman's quest to find acceptance in a traditional law firm even though she wears braces, insists on being called Barry and has to juggle family duties as a mother and wife.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Or write about transexuals. According to new government legislation and readings from chicken entrails they're going to be "the next big zeitgeist".
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no no nONON NONONO!
NO DRUGS!
Drugs are such a fucking cliché and they are no longer funny or clever. You might as well have a young boy who is peer preassured into smoking because it's "cool".
Seriously, if you were to write a book about drugs on any level then you may as well save time by going to a building site, finding a foundation mold full of wet cement and burying yourself alive in order to save the critics the time and energy.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just know it'll be a bestseller. You don't need to go home empty-handed though Berty, it'll need some illustrations...?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know, I know, you're full of gratuitude for my awesome idea which WILL make you a multi multi multi millionaire. Just be sure to buy me a pint when you see me and to think of me when you're exploding inside of some pop starlet.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure many things would be much better.
I was half-buckled when I doodled this but I think the way I imagined it was that the grandson would not actually take any drugs - he would simply buy them and sell them on for profit.
Maybe THEN he could get involved with some ill-conceived marketing scheme with all of his drug money.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-22 05:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't read it.
I tell you what might make it more interesting though, make it NOT about drugs. Why not something like a multi layered marketing company (you know, a pyramid scheme) that involves the grandfather and which the grandfather, in his ignorance, initially suppoorts.
Then you could do, like, a whole thing about the tarnishing of the grandfather by this corrupted youth and then the struggle the grandfather has to redeem him and himself. Wouldn't that be MUCH better?