...of the Son, and of the Holy Toast... (951 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2009-07-03 06:43:27 EDT
I flicked the ashes away from the black material on my lap, and watched them disappear in a small cloud of dust. Only a small silver smudge remained on my trousers; I licked my thumb and rubbed it out.
What a long day it had been. The funeral was widely recognised as having been a 'nice service', and the alcohol that poured into us all afternoon was, we were sure, just what the Dead Man would have wanted.
My throat felt gritty and a painful numbness was creeping upwards from the base of my skull. I needed water, paracetamol and my bed. But the bus, the last bus, had to trundle on and on to the west coast first.
The sun was setting to the east. Through half-shut eyes I admired the patchwork quilt of colours: dazzling orange, shimmering pink, yawning purple. The clouds melted down the skyscape like wax from a candle.
The contrast to the west was quite upsetting. Joining me in gazing at the sunset was a concrete giant of chimneys, plumes of thick smoke, blazing flames and faceless blocks. The oil refinery ticking over still.
It startled me to share a journey with something so perfect, and another so abhorrent. In the Dead Man's glass cabinet had been a photograph of the Pope, pushed back from view and layered thickly with dust.
He had lost his faith. There was a time when he would have fixed his eyes on the glorious brushstrokes in the sky and found in them validation and proof of his beliefs. But then, one day, he just turned away.
I understood that the majesty of the sunset was a caused by a mere case of light refraction and countless other simple processes. Despite this, I was unable to stop myself from wondering, what if, what if...
The Dead Man was one of thirteen children. Six died before their first birthday. Such was the manner of Catholic families at the time. I just couldn't see how that could be considered a healthy way of life.
I felt the whisky and cigarettes tickling my gullet still. They had given me a temporary high, a brief elevation from routine. I wondered if perhaps faith could offer me the same; but higher, and everlasting.
I thought about the girl at the funeral with the fake tan and the fake tits and the fake nails. She disgusted me. Even so, I'd caught her eye and tried to flirt with her at the wake. Despite her sinful mounds and claws.
Was she some sort of devil incarnate, designed to tempt me and others into hot, sweaty sinfulness? I had to admit that I would have gladly fucked her, but then loathed myself at the very moment after orgasm.
Or was she just a girl, influenced by celebrity culture and suffering from a lack of self-confidence? I rubbed my eyes and wondered what God, He from the Bible, would now make of this world he supposedly created.
The Dead Man had specified that his funeral should be a humanist service. The minister talked about his life, his family, his qualities and flaws. Some favoured poetry was chosen and recited. It was very moving.
I looked again out the window to the scene in the east. It struck me as possessing an almost impossible beauty; two clouds hung together closely, creating a pencil-thin dagger of light that pierced the sky in half.
When you see something like that, and you're in the right frame of mind, the existence of some sort of deity doesn't seem so far-fetched. I could argue until my dying day that atheism makes sense. Does that make it true?
I've always struggled with the old classic: Why do bad things happen to good people? It has forever been an insurmountable hurdle. I can't accept God works in mysterious ways as an answer.
And that is why they call it Faith. I've always thought that being faithful was an admirable quality for a person to have. The Dead Man had it, embraced it, and then threw it away. Despite this, I was unable to stop myself from wondering again, what if, and what if...
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-09-09 07:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
idiots??
hmmm.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 12:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 16:42:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was just practicing being an internet douchebag, is all.
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Practicing?
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well, practice makes perfect, and any job worth doing is worth doing right, so...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 16:42:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was just practicing being an internet douchebag, is all.
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Practicing?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah the format is weird. I was trying to make it look almost a little bit biblical or something...
I dunno, anyway, you are far too funny to be an internet douchebag. Sorry.
I know what you mean about the stiffness, I am definitely still trying to find a narrative voice that I am comfortable with. Hopefully I'll get there.
Haha, I was clearing out some old emails when suddenly a massive pic of orphelia's boobs popped up on my screen...I don't *think* any of my work colleagues saw 'em...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was just practicing being an internet douchebag, is all.
there was nothing wrong with this post. well, the format put me off a little, but not enough to make me abandon it.
your writing is usually very well crafted, but sometimes there is a certain... sort of a formal stiffness, i guess, to it. your word choices, your language usage, are competent and well thought out, but it seems sometimes as if you aren't entirely comfortable with it yet. (i think i've said this to you before?)
maybe it's just me?
in any case, i usually bother to click on your posts and read where i'd skip it if it was another user posting that much verbiage with no accompanying pics/humiliation of another user/boobs.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good one scourge.
I'm always intrigued to know how I come across through my writing. If you think I seem smug or superior, this really couldn't be further from the truth. I have a huge lack of self-confidence and am pretty shy when it comes to my own work.
I've recently been accepted to study a masters degree in creative writing. I didn't have the prerequisite qualifications for it, but the portfolio I submitted was apparently of such an exceptional standard that they were willing to overlook this. I have to say, this gave me a much-needed confidence boost. So while my writing is, what? - 'unreadable' and lacking 'chops', whatever they are - according to your good self, the course co-ordinators of this prestigious university think otherwise.
I don't know what 'bush league' means though.
But I am always open to growth and development, so please, could you specify what parts of this were smug or superior? You know me, I'm not one for internet squabbles, I just like to chat.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what a good review! i love myself so much.
+2 me.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-06 11:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
unreadable format, but i still managed to struggle through half of it.
your (decidedly overblown) sense of your own talents seeps through in everything you write. there's a smug sense of superiority that comes through in your writing... unfortunately the chops to match it aren't there.
sorry, you are and will remain bush league.
but please don't fret about it. at least you're a few smidges better than kaos and mccallum, and the yokels around here think they are just the bee's knees. this makes you at least the bee's balls i'd guess.
i'm sure you can parlay this enviable position into a few grainy camera phone snapshots of the saggy and desperate breasts of some of the 'women' who inhabit this place.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-06 09:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't read it, the 2 line format kills my eyes, but +1 for effort and work.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-07-05 07:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The sun was setting to the east.
We have ways to make you believe.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-07-04 22:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
... It's the young that die bad, screaming and panicked...
____
This review made my stomach lurch.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-04 13:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have held down a bench in a tiny non-denominational chapel forever and am on the board of directors. I started going to this chapel and taking my children because it seemed that children needed stability and a sense of knowing right from wrong. The other members that attend the chapel understand that my beliefs are different from most of theirs and I wonder why they tolerate me, much less elect me to the board of directors.
After reading the bible numerous times and having several "visitations", there was only one conclusion to be made. There is diety, and it is Alien. There are so many things in the book known as the bible that sound like it was written by a chimp on crack that it would be easy to dismiss it and god as fiction.
One example that always made my skin crawl was the Exodus. Moses demanded "Let my people go", and the people gathered all their things and followed him into the burning desert guided by a pillar of fire. They wandered in circles 40 years in the parched desert eating "Manna" sent from god and drinking from springs where Moses was told to "strike the rock with your staff and you shall have water" . When they finally reached the river and could see the promised land, god said "Here is your new land, KILL EVERY LIVING THING and move in". This is not the loving god many people expect and this is what made me understand that diety is Alien. It is my belief that this Alien diety made some of the ten commandments to facilitate the human DNA experiment. "Thou shalt not commit adultry" was to help ensure that the experiments had as many humans as possible who would only produce offspring with one mate. {easier to keep Alien records}.
I have been visited by several "messengers" {angels?}
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120958
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120256
Now I understand that there are layers upon layers of dimensions stretching from here to timeless reality and back. From my personal experience of "flatlining" as a child, I know there is somthing unexplained to be dealt with. I saw things and have physical proof of my brush with the afterlife and know that it is impossible for the human brain to understand the AlienEnergy that people call "God".
Not understanding is not a valid reason to dismiss the unexplained.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-03 18:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed.
Danger_Ranger put Soul Coughing in my head. Step aside, and let the man go through.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-03 17:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-03 16:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o
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A true genius.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-07-03 17:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was at a funeral yesterday and got a bit pissed and ended up getting myself into quite a theological tussle.
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if you desire experiencing the king-daddy of all theological tussles, just piss in the holy-water
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-03 16:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOAT BLESS YOU.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-07-03 16:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2009-07-03 16:55:55 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if it was fear, embarrassment, or shame that prevented her from typing Jehovah's Witnesses.
Doesn't the sun set in the west?
The Problem of Evil has been argued to a much larger extent than the typical religious person across the street is aware of.
~~~~~
What is your gut feeling on the existence of some sort of deity (foregoing any actual religions)?
=============================================================
Many religions and people have hazy conceptions of their God, mostly due to misinterpretations by fanatics.
Paco's two year-old son had died from cholera two days ago, and the Padre was at Paco's house, attempting to comfort him....
Paco: Padre, my son has died. It must be the will of God.
Padre: Paco, your daughter sleeps there on the couch. What would you do if a man jumped through the window and held a cloth infested with cholera germs to her face?
Paco: I would squash him with less compunction than I would a small bug!
Padre: Why, Paco? He did what you just accused God of doing.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2009-07-03 16:55:55 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if it was fear, embarrassment, or shame that prevented her from typing Jehovah's Witnesses.
Doesn't the sun set in the west?
The Problem of Evil has been argued to a much larger extent than the typical religious person across the street is aware of.
~~~~~
What is your gut feeling on the existence of some sort of deity (foregoing any actual religions)?
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2009-07-03 11:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if it was fear, embarrassment, or shame that prevented her from typing Jehovah's Witnesses.
Doesn't the sun set in the west?
The Problem of Evil has been argued to a much larger extent than the typical religious person across the street is aware of.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*I* even remember when fatty fatty bonbon was a 'believer' - lolz magic sky man, and I'm nearly as old as her, but not as old as experiment.
I mean, who is?
well there's lungfish
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A really pungent, restrictive, and ultra conservative sub-sect of christianity.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for explaining - I really am having some troubles with my faith. Namely, do I have any. What were you raised as, forensic?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember when I was a believer. Funny, all this peace that religious folk are supposed to have, I didn't.
I was in constant fear and anxiety of displeasing some invisible man in the sky who watched everything I did, good and bad, and kept a running tally which would later determine what would happen to me when (and after) I died.
Then again, that might have been because of the religion (cough*CULT*cough) that I was raised in.
Anyway, when I finally acknowledged what I had long suspected and let go of belief and faith, that was when I experienced peace and calm.
For me, knowing after I die there's nothing is far more comforting to me than the prospect of continuing to exist in some form after the flesh dies. Because that begs the question, what comes after?
There's no way of knowing for certain if there is an after, and if there is, which one of the thousands of religions has it right?
Every religion/sect claims it is the correct one and everyone else is wrong.
So which is more likely? One has it correct which means everyone else will go to hell/get punished in the afterlife/head off to oblivion, OR, none of them have it right?
Religion came about when humans were primitive and needed an explanation for the natural world around them, i.e. god(s) did it.
Then, the biggest and strongest and smartest discovered that religion was a dandy way of controlling people. Nothing is a better tool for control than to tell someone that you have a direct line to god and god says...xyz.
I'm not arguing that some aspects of religion might be comforting. But, I'd rather face life with no more illusions than to go on believing something that may or may not be true and living my life according to those unsure beliefs.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 10:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 14:53:14 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
no......i'm pretty sure opposite day is the 5th.....anyway WELL DONE FAILING AGAIN YOU FUCKING MORON.
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Yo dirty dingo smelly croc
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What if, what it? Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
no......i'm pretty sure opposite day is the 5th.....anyway WELL DONE FAILING AGAIN YOU FUCKING MORON.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IE here, d_r i can make sense sometimes, its just my fingers that get confused
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
each to their own so long as one doesn't put it upon another.
There are good and bad in most religions.
Sometimes it brings an immense peace of mind. Other times its just used as an excuse for radical behaviour.
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OH MY LORD did ei just make sense??? is it opposite day I thought that was the 5th.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 09:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When our kids were baptised we had to do religious education (like we were the ones who were getting baptised), anyway I asked the priest why a murderer who repents can go to heaven, but a good person who doesn't believe can't. He said that an evil murderer wasn't acting with god in his heart, yet the good person was. So really deep down the good person by being good believed in god without knowing it. It didn't convince me of god, but I thought it was a good answer.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well if you're religious, and you're pretty sure you've been a good christian (or whatever) then you'd be pretty excited about dying. After all those years of faith you're finally going to find out what it's all about.
Having said that, there is another reason I struggle to believe. According to the most basic priniciples: if you're bad you go to hell for eternity, if you're good you go to heaven for eternity. But in terms of 'eternity', a lifetime is really rather minuscule. So that's like judging Roger Federer's entire career on one bad set he played when he was 18.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mums a palli nurse, she reckons the religious die better, calmer, happier and more at peace. It's the young that die bad, screaming and panicked. Maybe because less of us are religious now?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
each to their own so long as one doesn't put it upon another.
There are good and bad in most religions.
Sometimes it brings an immense peace of mind. Other times its just used as an excuse for radical behaviour.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is your stance on religion EI?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shilly-shally
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Very nicely put TuTs.
I've been a pretty stubborn atheist until recently. But then I started thinking about the Jewish and Catholic people I know, and they all seem so happy and quite successful. I guess that comes from the kind of communal spirit of goodwill that religion brings. Also, they give each other jobs. I think a lot of mutual back-scratching goes on.
But atheists are crap for things like that. Nobody looks out for nobody. So I'm thinking that from a purely logistic point of view, maybe I should have faith. But then there is also the contentment side of things. Religious folks do genuinely seem more at peace with the world.
I just don't know if I can actually believe.
Also, atheists is really hard to spell. I've written it three times in this review and had to use the spellchecker to correct it every time.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, nah I'm home now. The McDonalds caused the port and the man of the house is pissing it up with his mates and I'm alone and the alcohol is calming. I wish they served it.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow they serve port at mcdonalds now? I'm there
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it I've got nothing better to do....
I'm baptised Church of England, but I'm not married. I have great-grandparents who were Jewish. My kids go to a Catholic school. I like to believe in something, but I don't know what.
I studied sociology for a year and that says that people who practise a religion and go to church regulary live longer. Then there is Emile Durkheim, he says that there is a "collective conscience" and that religion is basically the worship of society and that idea appeals to me as well. But then as a woman I kinda hate the church because it marginalises women and has medievil views on their place in society and in the home.
Like you said though, intellectually you can look at a sunset and know how it's caused but it is stirring. What harm does it do to believe in God when the worst that can happen is in the end your wrong?
I hope that makes sense I've had a few ports.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
girls are noisy.
~~~~~
*blinks*
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, I'm too exhausted. I'm home from a Mcdonalds birthday party, girls are noisy.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
TuTs.
Talk to me about your religious beliefs.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the formatting.....
Little depressing.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Pheeley. How's it going?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 08:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aye, it's not exactly a page-turner, don't worry about it.
I was at a funeral yesterday and got a bit pissed and ended up getting myself into quite a theological tussle. And this is basically the ins and outs of it.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-07-03 07:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I normally really like your stuff Mr Bell, but this I just didnt get on with for some reason. Were you having a low day when you wrote it?