I'm Sexfry (993 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.27 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2010-03-04 15:05:02 EST
With all the oomph his Edsel could muster, Special Agent Nosebleed soldiered on towards the Muddy Bottoms Apartment complex.
Three sparkly vamps had copped it so far; one staked in the taint, one through the sorcerer's stones, and one right in the Harry Pooter. It was his sacred duty to make sure there wasn't a fourth.
Not today.
Not in his town.
Not while his frumpy wife sat at home, weeping softly into the latest vamporn novel whilst subconciously touching parts he didn't want to ponder behind his sexy brooding sunglasses. Her bitching, and his simply wanting to be out of the house, were the major reasons he took this case.
"Damn it, Jones, if you puke on my pleather upholstery I am going to coat your porn star dick in horsey sauce and throw you to the pit bulls."
Chicago Jones hadn't been the healthiest shade of green since he'd watched his first interrogation. Not even a rookie so much as budding adult film star, the Commisioner's nephew, doing some research for his role in "Rush Whore". It also wasn't really an interrogation so much as it was a fantasia on 'good cop bad cop' he called 'bad cop, nail gun'.
The young man who answered the door was very pale. He also appeared to have conspicous fang marks in his neck. He was also wearing what appeared to be a genie costume while staring blankly ahead without blinking. "Yes master?" He asked, his arms swinging limply.
"What the fuck is this?"
"Shut up, Jones," Nosebleed said, "Um, hi. We're looking for Reginald. Is he around?"
"Come inside, Master."
"Uh, thanks."
"Uh, what's with all the pictures of naked, hairy guys, dude?"
"Shut up, Jones."
"Hey, he's got a whole bunch of my movies. And there's the Vibrotron 2009! They molded that one from my--"
"I will feed you to fire ants, Jones."
"Tea while you wait, master?"
"Um, no."
"Poppers, master?"
"No thanks."
"Hummer, master?"
"Just get Reginald, OK?" Nosebleed looked about the apartment while the young man shambled off in the direction of the bedroom.
"Dude, what is UP with this guy?" Jones asked, running his palms over a bust of Ron Jeremy.
"Show some respect, Jones," Nosebleed snapped. "Reginald may be a little eccentric, and also fat as fuck and gay as assless chaps, but if anyone has our back, it's Reg."
"Nuzebleed!" A blasphemously obese shadow swooped from the bedroom, embracing the scarecrow figure in its flabby arms. "Vait, not just Nuzebleed! Two... TWO detectives! Thunder! Lightning! Vwah hah hah hah!"
"Chicago Jones, this is Reginald Van Pyre. He helped us crack that case a few years back about the big fat gay vampire who was going around turning young, hetrosexual men into gay love zombies."
Reginald flourished his purple angora cape and bowed in what could be called a regal way only if 'regal' involved jiggling, hairy moob cleavage. "Chicago Jones. A name I have heard even in ze vilds of Villernie, Minnesota."
"We've need your help, Reg." Nosebleed said. "Someone's going around killing all the sparkly hetrosexual vampires."
"Good!" Reginald shouted, the curled tips of his moustache twanging with indignity. "I hate zose sons of beeches!"
"We all do. But fat, frumpy housewives and emo teen girls really dig them right now, so it's bad timing. Anyways, Pavlov the Paederast pointed us to this place. Seemed to think there would be someone with the means, motive, and opportunity to kill the glittery emos."
"I fooking hate zem! Zey are a blemish on ze shaven testee-kul of vampirism!"
"I know, hey. So you know anyone who would want to kill them? Anybody who might not be able to account for their whereabouts last Thursday around 1 AM when the first vampire was killed?"
"Hey, Reg," Jones said, "Where were you doing at that time?"
"Let me see," Reginald said, stroking his goatee. "Oh jas, I remember. Nossing. I vaz doing nossing."
Nosebleed nodded. "That checks out. Now, the vampires were all killed with stakes."
"Good, I am glad vun vas staked right through ze taint! Fooker had eet coming!!"
"Yeah, now do you know anyone who might have some stakes?"
"No."
"What are those?" Jones asked, pointing to a pile of 4x4's conveniently chopped into 2' sections.
"I vittle." Reginald said.
Agent Nosebleed shook his head as the young man in the genie costume shut the door behind him. "Well, that was a bust. I'm still convinced the killer is in this building, though."
"Say, boss," Jones lit up a cigarette, "who was the perp in that fat gay vampire case?"
"Shia Labeouf."
"Really?"
"Yeah, he had an alibi, and young hetrosexual men still keep dissapearing, but Reginald saw through all that shit. And hey, at least there haven't been any more Transformers sequels."
"Hey boss, didn't that guy in the genie costume look just like the one on the circulars?"
Nosebleed slowed his pace through the parking lot, staring intently at a shadow sliding out of the driver's seat of an airport cab. "Huh?"
"Are you a moron, boss?"
"We found our perp!" Nosebleed shouted, plowing over a stroller and knocking over a cripple as he dashed across the lot. "Nab him!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2010-03-09 13:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I vittle.
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2010-03-07 03:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
....wasn't really an interrogation so much as it was a fantasia on 'good cop bad cop' he called 'bad cop, nail gun'.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2010-03-07 02:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Damn it, Jones, if you puke on my pleather upholstery I am going to coat your porn star dick in horsey sauce and throw you to the pit bulls."
~~~
puke-pleather-pit bulls!
Gotta laugh
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2010-03-05 22:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm forced to agree. You are sexfry.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-05 08:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BOSHMAN! WTF! Where have you been? What wonko adventures have you been on? Have you started Earl Scrugg's asshole on fire??
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-03-05 07:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I will feed you to fire ants, Jones."
For that alone.
I wasn't feeling this post as much as the former but I am still with you.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2010-03-05 03:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2010-03-05 00:13:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2010-03-05 00:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i read this til i puked! but thats not your fault, i was probably gonna puke anyway.
==================
Whoa! BoshDude sighting! How ya doin', dude?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2010-03-05 00:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i read this til i puked! but thats not your fault, i was probably gonna puke anyway.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2010-03-04 23:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smelly...crotch sniffin...leather wearin...earlobe wigglin...nazi...masturbatin...nose pickin...smarmy...GEORGE BUSH.
.
.
.
.
.
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FRIED CHICKEN!!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2010-03-04 20:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was sexfry once
But I'm not anymore. :(
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2010-03-04 18:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were simon you would dip your shit in gold.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-03-04 18:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not this dude. He was tall and thin.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-04 18:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-03-04 17:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate zose sons of beeches!"
True story, one of my aquaintances married some guy who moved here from Romania and he sounds like that (obviously). Despite having her purse snatched over one Xmas by some tweaker gal, she told me she couldn't help but giggle uncontrolably as her husband chased after the tweaker girl screaming
"Kom back here you leetle beach! Every one, zat leetle beach joos stole my vife's pursz! Let us all geeet her!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All Romanians are fat and gay. True story!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2010-03-04 17:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YA YOU IS.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-03-04 17:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate zose sons of beeches!"
True story, one of my aquaintances married some guy who moved here from Romania and he sounds like that (obviously). Despite having her purse snatched over one Xmas by some tweaker gal, she told me she couldn't help but giggle uncontrolably as her husband chased after the tweaker girl screaming
"Kom back here you leetle beach! Every one, zat leetle beach joos stole my vife's pursz! Let us all geeet her!"
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-04 16:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I do my part to help the elderly.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I truly believe that icarus sits on Uber 24/7, waiting for Shlongy to review his posts so he can throw out a quick "Viagra/Geritol/Jello" retort, which, quite frankly, are the best parts of his posts.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in on this series and I don't really read anything on here so you've got the job.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<needs his Geritol>
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You may very well be...If "Sexfry" means "sexy" in your homosexual world.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/124626#2969664
Sorry, Bubba, as much as this site is made purely to entertain you, we have to take other requests sometimes :(
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
just the facts, ma'am
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Misspelling was cute the first two times. Now it's just STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Procon (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This:
"Vait, not just Nuzebleed! Two... TWO detectives! Thunder! Lightning! Vwah hah hah hah!"
and this:
"We've need your help, Reg." Nosebleed said. "Someone's going around killing all the sparkly hetrosexual vampires."
"Good!" Reginald shouted, the curled tips of his moustache twanging with indignity. "I hate zose sons of beeches!"
made me snork. So you get a +1.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for assless chaps
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-04 15:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
</needs his geritol>