The END. I Promise. Maybe. Go Fuck Yourself. (655 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0.77 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2010-03-08 11:13:37 EST
"Is that a stake?!"
"It's a turban, you stupid American pig!"
"So you don't like American pigs, eh?? YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN!"
Interrogation Room A was a lot like Madonna's underpants; smoky, dank, and coated in DNA. Mustafa's chair was particularly suspect, having not only a mysterious blood-like stain in the groinal area, but what appeared to be a nail hole.
"A'rright," Nosebleed said, "three sparkly vampires are dead, and the broads of Willernie are on a rampage. My frumpy wife expects sympathy... and sympathy, as you'll see, is not in my m-o."
"Infidel Yankee-Pig!" McGillicutty growled. "I have killed no-one!"
"OBAMA IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!" Some Guy crowed. They found him posting right-wing diatribes and brought him in too.
Nosebleed leaned back, slipping his scuffed boots over the edge of the table. "Yeah, you both hate America. Which means you both hate American pop culture. Which means you both hate vampires that sparkle. Where were you last Thursday at 2 AM when the first vamp copped it?"
"Preaching non-violent hatred of Americans." Said McGillicutty. "Over fifty people at my mosque can vouch for me."
"THE PROGRESSIVES ARE THE MAIN ENEMY HERE." Some Guy sobbed. "WE DON'T NEED PUBLIC SCHOOLING, OBAMA!"
"Sleeping in your own filth, eh? Well, what about Seven PM Monday when the second murder went down?"
"At home watching American Idol." Said McGillicutty.
"SOCIALIST=COMMUNIST!" Some Guy shouted.
"You were at a Tea Party convention?"
"COMMUNIST=NAZI, OBAMA!"
"You got a picture taken with Sarah Palin and it's on her Livejournal page?"
"Their alibis check out, Boss." Chicago Jones said. "Oh, and the Commissioner called. They found another sparkler with a stake in his wang. Figure he copped it half an hour ago."
"That proves it!" Nosebleed roared, throwing his chair against the wall. He circled the suspects, grinding his words like black pepper through grit teeth. "I handcuff you perps, smack you around, throw you in the back of my Edsel, and BAM, some sparkly bastard gets staked in the yucatan. Coincidence?"
"It's called an alibi, you water buffalo!" Said Mustaffa.
"FIFTEEN THINGS LIBERALS MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT OBAMA!"
"Exactly, Some Guy." Nosebleed said, sagely lighting up another cigarette. "Thursday morning. Wee hours. Your last internet post didn't do so well. You're stewing in the impotent vitriol of a thousand commenters. What better way to express that ultra-conservative rage than staking some sparkly liberal in the taint!"
"OBAMA, WE DON'T WANT YOUR HEALTH CARE BILL! GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
"Right. Because vampires vote for Obama."
"What about the second murder, boss?" Jones asked. "Some Guy had a solid alibi for that one."
"This is what we call a Bandwagon Murder, Jones."
"A Bandwagon Murder?"
"A Bandwagon Murder. It's 7 PM Monday. American Idol is on. Simon makes a snide comment about Jorge and Abu Dabi here is pissed. He remembers the newsflash about Todd Palin here staking vamp number one. 'Y'allah y'allah', he says to himself (all Arabs start conversations in this manner,) 'Simon Cowell sparkles. Who else sparkles? HETRO VAMPIRES!"
"What about the third murder, Boss? They were both at the Twins game. And they were both handcuffed in the Edsel when the fourth went down."
"Don't you hear me, Jones? It's a BANDWAGON Murder. The fact that there are already variations; that it's migrates from the taint region to the asshole to the shaft proves it. If we don't make an example of these perps, this will spiral out of control and people will be staking glittery Frankenstein monsters and Simon Cowell and any swamp thing with a higher than average specular value."
"It could be the guy we first interviewed. He had no alibi and a stake collection in his living room and said he hated sparkly vampires. I'm just saying."
"Jones," Nosebleed lit up another cigarette, "when you take away the impossible, what you're left with, however improbable, must be the truth."
"What you're saying is pretty fucking impossible, Boss."
Nosebleed lit up a bent dogend he found in the ash tray and nodded arcanely. "But not completely impossible."
"It doesn't make sense, Boss."
"It's not my job to make 'sense' of the crimes, Jones." Nosebleed said, lighting up a tampon he found in the trash. It was the only thing he could find that was both flammable and phallic. "It's my job to catch the perps."
User Reviews
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2010-03-10 13:37:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2010-03-09 07:29:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When i clicked on this post i automatically scrolled down to see another 'twilight' bashing picture.
You let me down.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2010-03-09 02:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done methinks....
Submitted by ridiculous (user info) at 2010-03-09 01:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interrogation Room A was a lot like Madonna's underpants; smoky, dank, and coated in DNA.
~~~~~
Bwahahaha! *Deep Breath* ahahahahahahahahahahaha *hyperventalating* hahaaha *gasped breath* hahaha *gasped breath* hahahahaaaaaaaa.......
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2010-03-09 00:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WEREPIGS ROX
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2010-03-09 00:22:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Werepig will soon become my new Facebook icon.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2010-03-08 21:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too political ikky sticky.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2010-03-08 16:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
started out so well.
got stupid.
just liek Uber
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2010-03-08 15:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you did the drawing +2 if not uckfay ooyay
Submitted by creman (user info) at 2010-03-08 15:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2010-03-08 14:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd buy a car from a vagina as long as I can test drive it first and see the VagFax.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2010-03-08 14:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-08 14:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
In his defense, does anyone TRUST vaginas?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2010-03-08 14:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-03-08 12:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Robert Patterson hates vaginas.
http://www.dlisted.com/node/36066?page=2
-----------------------
WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2010-03-08 14:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
must every post have a picture?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2010-03-08 12:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Robert Patterson hates vaginas.
http://www.dlisted.com/node/36066?page=2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2010-03-08 12:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know what you're saying. It needs more sequels, and maybe a backstory about the chair Agent Nosebleed threw against the wall.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2010-03-08 11:57:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I added a point because this series is ending, from what I can gather.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2010-03-08 11:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
:oS
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2010-03-08 11:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Vampiraffe!