Much A-rant about nothing. This was SUPPOSED to be light-hearted and funny, damnit! (3945 hits)
Category: Politics -> AfghanistanRating: 1.97 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2005-03-25 00:47:27 EST
I hate dating websites. Hotornot, Okcupid, Jdate, Match. I hate 'em, I hate 'em, I hate 'em. They can all eat a bag of dicks. Chocolate-covered dicks. But not that expensive Godiva shit, no. I'm talking Mall Rats Chocolate-covered pretzels chocolate, with the essence of Jason Lee's ass.
What the hell is up with Godiva, anyway? I was attracted to some chocolate-covered strawberries in their store window the other day. There were some nice, big ones for eight dollars. I was thinking (more like hoping), "Eight dollars for a pound ain't bad." And I said so. "That price is for a pound, right?"
No. WRONG! That is eight dollars for ONE chocolate-covered strawberry. Why the fuck would I pay eight dollars for one freakin' strawberry. It's an outrage. I told the girl so, and she just looked at me like, "Yeah, and I bet you drive a fuckin Daewoo, too."
Bitch. I hate Godiva. I hate that whole damn yuppie wing of the damn mall, what with the Norsdtrum and the Solstice and the Panara Bread. I tell you, you hardly ever see any minorities in that wing of the mall, especially Panara Bread. Don't know why, but I hate that damn wing of the mall.
But before I get going about the cursed land that is the mall, I need to refocus.
Dating websites.
Actually, lets focus a bit more.
www.hotornot.com
It's a novel thing, really. It started out with two guys, some beer, and an idea. Let us create a website in which people posts pictures of themselves by which everyone can rate their hotness on a scale of one to ten.
Why not? Let's give attractive, conceited people more reason to be conceited and ugly people another reason to kill themselves.
And I'm not talking tongue-in-cheek here, either. I think it is hilarious. If you're ugly, don't expect a high score. In fact, you probably shouldn't post it at all. Just like I'm not going to post a picture on a "Rupture her uterus or drop a pin down a well" penis rating site and then go cry about my rating. That just isn't one of my strong points. I know what my fucking assets are. Both literally and figuratively. Either way, it rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?
But hotornot.com has grown since then. For a couple of years now I've been a paying member of the "meet me" section. (A three star member!) Basically, you put up a profile and keywords, sift through other profiles, find someone you like, get a match, get to email the person, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc. Standard E-date stuff.
I should add that hotornot.com, out of the four dating websites I frequent (including J-Date, made infamous by Jared) is the only one that I pay for. Why? It's the cheapest, and for the life of me, can't figure out why J-date isn't.
I have had some successful....ah....encounters initiated on hotornot.com
Damn, I miss ******* sometimes. First girl I met on the site. This girl gave head like you would not fucking believe. If you closed your eyes you couldn't tell where her mouth ended and her hand began, she moved them together with such synchronized, lubricated grace. This may be the only girl in the world that enjoyed giving head more than I enjoyed receiving it. She even made those cute little porn noises when she did it, she enjoyed it so much. God bless her.
However, I was still very much in love with Jenny then. (Still am, to be honest- two.....three months since our breakup) Ergo, my escapades with ******* had to come to an end.
The second girl I ended up meeting from hotornot was one of those "hmm....she's pretty but why hasn't she sent me any body shots," like you were led to believe that guys chick in Napolean Dynomite was going to be.
"You're just jealous because I've been talking to hot chicks on the internet all day."
Of course, the mystery ended when I met her. She wasn't really all that fat, she just had a freakin' GYE-NORMOUS booty. If you cut this girls legs off, she would be like one of punching bags that you can't push over because they're so damn bottom heavy.
But damn did she know how to move it.
Well I guess that is two-for-two, or I'm a damn slut.
The third girl I met from hotornot was like someone in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World. They're all about hugging, but you pull out your penis, and he just puts those big white-gloved hands over his big plastic eyes and cries.
......That really came out a bit more disturbing then planned, but I think you get the point.
And that more-or-less brings us to current events. Of course, now that I'm single and am no longer in an open-relationship or relationship of any kind, I can't get a date to save my life. But isn't that always the case?
I have this $60 gift certificate to the best seafood restaurant in town that was given to me as a Christmas bonus, and I have yet the chance to use it. In addition, after three and a half years of Jenny trying to get me to buy the condoms for once, I finally did, only to have her break up with me a week later.
Nothing says SINGLE like an unopened economy pack of Trojans in the back seat of your Daewoo.
You know, that is a fucking great line, if I say so myself. That should be in quotes.
"Nothing says SINGLE like an unopened economy pack of Trojans in the back seat of your Daewoo."
Beautiful. I wonder if those things have expiration dates.
And you know, it isn't even the lack of sex that bothers me. On the contrary, I've never been in better shape in my life. This sexual frustration will have me breaking 300 in bench-press and 420 in dead-lifts any day now
No, what bugs me is the lack of dating. I talk to girls easily. I even get their numbers. They seem enthusiastic enough. But to they call back? No. Do they make an effort to reschedule once they've cancelled? Do they make any effort? No. I don't get it. Every time I see them they seem happy to see me, talk my ear off, apologize for the lack of date, and say we should try to get together sometime next weekend. But next weekend never happens.
And then there is this most recent girl on hotornot that I've been pursuing. Very attractive. We share the same interests, same sense of humor. We both believe that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt should have kids on principle, and we will both orgasm when they appear on screen together in Mr. And Mrs. Smith, despite the fact that the movie will probably suck. She doesn't smoke. She stays in shape, has a FANTASTIC ass, BUT!.....she is of course reluctant to meet someone off the internet. Understandable. But just when I thought I was going to break her and convince her to meet me in some safe, public place, like the GODFORSAKEN fuckin' mall, she goes and does something stupid like fall in love with her friend's roomate. Yay!
So, hence, ergo, and therefore is my crystal clear and unusual amount of agitation in this post. I'm not usually like this. I'm upset about the lost chance with what seemed like a great catch, and I know I shouldn't be. In fact, I'm upset that I'm upset about it, at that is really fuckin' upsetting. And so I though: "Hey...this is a rare state for you to be in. How many people get to witness your wrath? Why don't you share it with all of ubersite? It isn't like you've offered anything of greater value than an impromptu sexually-frustrated rant."
It wasn't supposed to be like this. This was supposed to be a post about the personal profiles people write on dating websites and classified ads. It was supposed to be light-hearted and fun. But now I see that I've gone on the better part of three pages, which means that I've already lost most of you. So I think I will just leave this post as an ugly, ugly rant, and post under my original intent as a continuation tomorrow or whenever the hell I feel like it.
I'm not going to even bother editing this post. I'm just going to copy/past, and fuck all you grammar Nazis.
YOU CAN'T EDIT THIS! TASTE THE ROUGH DRAFT, BITCHES!
Now I'm going to jerk myself off to sleep. Have a great fucking night.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-14 18:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-14 15:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I often wonder what your future employers will think when they find this and your O face.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-11-04 04:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sheer, sheer awesome.
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-04 04:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'......That really came out a bit more disturbing then planned, but I think you get the point'
Not only have you inspired me to post my own online-dating moments of hell, but I think I love you. (sob)
Submitted by DropItLikeItsDisgusting (user info) at 2005-11-04 04:08:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know why you're the most viewed person on here.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-25 14:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why don't you post some more backwaxer?
seriously.
f t w?
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2005-06-24 17:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahahaha!
Awesome stuff
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 14:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-05-09 16:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-04-21 07:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-15 17:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-04-15 16:39:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, when are you going to post the picture with all of the New Hampshirians with their hands waving in front of their faces? At least email it to me! UberLechuga.at.Gmail.com
------------------
Me too... pentameter.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-15 16:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-04-15 16:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, when are you going to post the picture with all of the New Hampshirians with their hands waving in front of their faces? At least email it to me! UberLechuga.at.Gmail.com
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-04-14 21:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it again, and once again thoroughly enjoyed it, as well as myself, at the same time.
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-04-10 18:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-04-10 17:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rant-tastic.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-10 17:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yesssssss. And the Yukkies at the malls suck man.
Submitted by Flaahgra (user info) at 2005-04-10 16:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's been said before, but I have to mention that "The third girl I met from hotornot was like someone in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World. They're all about hugging, but you pull out your penis, and he just puts those big white-gloved hands over his big plastic eyes and cries." has got to be one of the best lines ever said. By anyone.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-04-01 03:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're neat.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-03-27 00:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:54:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I +2 this because anyone who rides in a car and sings "The Saga Begins" with me is the shit.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-03-25 20:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Y HELO THAR BUTTSECKS?!?!?!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CAN'T EDIT THIS! TASTE THE ROUGH DRAFT, BITCHES!
______________________________________
I used to be an assistant manager of Godiva of Salem, NH. Then I stole all the chocolate and barterd it for free stuff in the mall. That chocolate is like gold and I traded 80 truffles for a Ray Bourque jersey form the sports guy and free lunch from the pizans at the Italian place in the food court. Man, if they didn't suck so hard I could have stayed long enough to trade truffles for a BMW 500
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-25 13:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are hilarious.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-25 13:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-25 12:51:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nay, nay, nay...
ALWAYS post while angry.
Submitted by lush (user info) at 2005-03-25 12:57:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-25 12:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nay, nay, nay...
ALWAYS post while angry.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, I'm sorry baby. I'll send you chocolate or something.
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mother of god, there are some rocking lines in here.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have too many comments on your awesomeness to articulate, so I'll just lick the +2 and stick it up there.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can taste the bitterness from here.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-03-25 09:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
three words
order
bride
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-03-25 09:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TASTE THE PLUS 2.
rock on dude.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The third girl I met from hotornot was like someone in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World. They're all about hugging, but you pull out your penis, and he just puts those big white-gloved hands over his big plastic eyes and cries."
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I +2 this because anyone who rides in a car and sings "The Saga Begins" with me is the shit.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Online dating is by and large a waste of time. Aside from the humorous stories that come attached to said lifestyle, it really isn't worth it to set yourself up for disappointment after disappointment. Your time is better spent working out and having a good a time as you can without trying to focus too much on the ladies. Also, never post while angry.
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Online dating is so cool.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CAN'T EDIT THIS! TASTE THE ROUGH DRAFT, BITCHES!
another +2 for that! ooooh. people just don't understand...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The third girl I met from hotornot was like someone in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World. They're all about hugging, but you pull out your penis, and he just puts those big white-gloved hands over his big plastic eyes and cries.
--------------------
I stopped reading just to give this a +2.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
okay... resume reading.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-25 07:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"They're all about hugging, but you pull out your penis, and he just puts those big white-gloved hands over his big plastic eyes and cries."
TASTE THE AWESOME LINE!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-25 07:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-03-25 06:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad, i almost said what Dan did down at the bottom there.
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-03-25 06:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-25 05:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome writing thar.
Submitted by Deathwatchz (user info) at 2005-03-25 04:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amen dude.. just last month i had a fucked up situation like that myself.. sent me pics of herself from when she was 20, and turned out lookin like a walrus. great attitude, coulda been a phone-sex operator, but it made me feel like shit when i saw the webcam. why must they use the anti-aircraft flak cannons to shoot us down? why must they get our hopes on cloud nine, then say "man, meet ground!"? fuckin bitches... just stay off the net for gods sake, and give us a break!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-25 04:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The third girl I met from hotornot was like someone in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World. They're all about hugging, but you pull out your penis, and he just puts those big white-gloved hands over his big plastic eyes and cries."
Congratulations, bitch, I am now OFFICIALLY terrified of you. Not a lot of people can achieve that, you know. You should be proud.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-03-25 03:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLUS TWO FOR MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-25 02:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My advice is to try speed dating. I was a child bride (well 21) so I never really experienced the thrills and spills of 20s dating. I have seen may of my friends, male and female meet cool people at the speed dating things.
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-03-25 02:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Politics? Sure, why not.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-03-25 02:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-03-25 01:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm not going to even bother editing this post. I'm just going to copy/past, and fuck all you grammar Nazis."
That had to be intentional. No freaking WAY you have perfect grammar for a tale as long as that and then fuck it up during the "I don't care about my grammar" warning. Had to be.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-25 00:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CAN'T LUBRICATE THIS!
TASTE THE HAPPY SOCK!!!