Broken lives lead to dreams. (2436 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.65 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom <theubertom.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-15 02:28:38 EDT
Juan Hernandez is having sexual intercourse with his wife, Betty Hernandez. What he doesn't know is that the condom that he is using has failed to maintain and, against his will, he is fertilizing his wife.
At this exact same moment, Beth Robertson wakes up Tommy Robertson, who is eight years old, and informs him that it is time to get ready for school.
Juan, with a sense of satisfaction, walks into his shower and starts singing loudly. At this moment in time, his teenage son, Jeremy, is woke by the horrible rendition of "What is love?" and is automatically irritated. He slams the other bathroom's door as gets ready for school. He masturbates in the shower like he does every day. He thinks it helps him start his day better. He is 18 on this particular day and is a senior at the local high school.
Around this time, Brittany Felps is driving in her car to the beach. It's a wonderful day and she's talking on the phone to her boyfriend Jimmy Pints. She is smiling, moonroof down, hair blowing in the wind. She couldn't be happier. Tom Petty's "American Girl" is playing on the radio.
Five minutes later, Barbara Hinkley, 89 years old, is waiting at a crosswalk. Nobody is stopping. "They are supposed to yield to pedestrians." But still, nobody stops. She crosses anyway. On the phone, Brittany doesn't notice Barb in time and smashes into her, breaking her spine. Barbara survives for three months before dying of heart failure, which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she had her spine broken, but more the fact that she smoked and drank until her now deceased husband practically forced her to stop at the age of 73. Her body was damaged far beyond repair, being elderly and all.
Police officer Ray Hawking arrives on the scene and is disgusted by the scene, a woman on her cell phone hits an old woman. It's something he'd seen a few times before.
Three minutes and twenty-two seconds later, Max Wildemere is happy. He is getting his brunch-break coffee and heading back to work. On his way out, he bumps hard into Sylvia Tempole, spilling scalding coffee all over her. This burns her face and neck severely. "Hey," starts Miss Tempole. "I recognize you. You're that millionaire guy who just won the lottery. Your ass is grass, pal." She immediately considers a lawsuit against him to try to reap him some of his chance-earned money to pay off her drug debt. Sylvia Tempole was in debt and needed more blow anyway.
Max, angered by this, walks out not paying much attention to the road and nearly causes a traffic accident. He is even more angered and steps into his car. He is driving wildly back to work, and isn't paying too much attention.
Alexi Gutierrez, a man of large stature and middle age, is driving down the freeway when he has a bout of narcoleptic and causes a car accident with Max, who was not paying attention anyway, bringing traffic to a halt. Alexi had been assigned medication to help him with his narcolepcy, but he did not like taking it because it felt too much like speed. Provigil was the drug specifically assigned to him to counter the narcoleptcy. Provigil is controversial as a drug used by millions.
Jeremy, on his lunch break from school, was stuck in traffic. Due to that accident. He'd be late to his next class for sure. This made him so irritated he could hardly think straight.. Once he was out of traffic, he sped into school, where he was pulled over by Officer Ray Hawking. Jeremy argues with the officer, and the officer gives him the ticket and tells him to argue to the judge.
Jeremy is furious. Not only did he get detention for being late for class, he now had a fine. What could be worse?
Storming through the halls, he is stopped as Ashley Hardwig pulls him aside and starts talking to him. "Hey there Jeremy." She puckers her lips. "Why don't you and I get together after school." She sexually runs her fingers down the center of his chest and softly kisses him on the lips. Jeremy rethinks how bad his day might turn out to be.
Three hours later, his car is rocking. The moans and sighs of sex are loud in his ears. The ecstasy of the moment is almost like nothing he'd ever felt before. As he was nearing his climax, a teacher phoned the police and told them of the incident. A police officer arrives several minutes later. As Jeremy ejaculated into Ashley, who said she'd use the morning after pill, there was a knock on the window.
Officer Ray Hawking. Again. Usually Ray would let this slide. No real harm done here. Empty parking lot. Not today, though. No way. He had pulled three people over and had been on the scene of a near-deadly accident. He was in the zone, so to speak. Jeremy is ticketed again for indecent public conduct.
Jeremy, even madder, starts driving Ashley home. She apologizes and Jeremy angrily ignores her. She reaches her hand and starts caressing his crotch. "It's okay, baby." He yells at her to stop and looks down for a moment. He was not paying attention.
Tommy had left to walk home from school five minutes earlier. He had stayed late for some after school reading classes. He was slow with reading. It was embarrassing in class, and he wanted the help. As the light turned red, he was able to cross the street. Jeremy was too busy looking down at the hand on his hardening penis to notice. He looks up just in time to see Tommy's body smash into the car and flip up overhead his car. He was going 55 miles per hour. Tommy was pronounced dead on the scene by Officer Ray Hawking.
Officer Hawking meets Tommy's mom, Beth, and they fall in love. Somehow, his disappointing marriage and her plight was simply enough for the two to click. They appear in the court room with Jeremy Hernandez and his family and lobby to get Jeremy Hernandez a death Rowe sentence, but only get him a life sentence. "At least he won't walk," Beth sobbed into her now husband's arms.
Juan, angered by his son's life-sentence, takes matters into his own hands. He breaks into the home of Beth and Ray Hawking, one month after their marriage, and murders both of them, then shoots himself in the head. Beth and Juan are dead on the scene. The officer is comatose and died fourteen years later after judges rule that it is unconstitutional to defy him his right to die, especially since his living will stated that he wouldn't want to live. In the case of Marks, the minster fighting for his life, v. The State of California, California won. Ray was the first major case of human euthanasia, as his case was all over the media.
Juan left behind a son that he never knew existed. Jeremy Juan Hernandez, when he turned 18, got into the plight for Democracy in Cuba and moved to Havana where he started a revolution against the Marxist government. In the year 2025, his led revolution was successful and Cuba was a Democratic state. As he is being sworn into office, he is killed by a communist assassin. Cuba is gripped by complete and irrational anger and the newer new Democratic government passed a law that allowed the government and police to round up the last of the communist insurgency and they were all tortured and/or killed. Communist Cubans, from that moment forward, were blacklisted and communism was aggressively forced out of Cuba.
And it's all because of a faulty condom.
User Reviews
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2005-09-24 18:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and you can't blame a person's actions on a shitty rubber.
Should've used a Trojan.
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2005-09-24 18:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read the paragraph.
Approximately 2 minutes later, I clicked "rate this item"
About that time, I rated it +1.
Shit, the condom broke.
Submitted by Mariposa (user info) at 2005-09-24 17:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this....very clever, well thought out...creepy, yet...true, in a sense.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-15 15:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-06-04 19:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really enjoyed this
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-17 21:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-15 04:24:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
It might be the booze talking...and it probablu uis the booze talking . but if you ever needed anyone to take a bulllet fotr you, i would be there. ok? just tell me whern and i;mmm be there.
oka? ok buddy/
kthxbye
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-04-15 19:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-15 13:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's really good. I have nasty-ass road rage, so I can relate to the guy that got pissed off and sped into the school. Unfortunately, I can't related to hot chicks always wanting to have sex with me.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-04-15 13:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty amusing, but I still want an update on those birds.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-15 11:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was fantastic.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-04-15 11:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-04-15 11:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I responded to this, but then again someone walked in and I closed my browser so apparently not.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-15 10:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
me = entertained
thanks
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-04-15 10:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent work, Tom. Thoroughly engaging.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-04-15 10:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And my dear lady, I thought this was one of my better posts. I'm off to school now.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-04-15 10:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah sorry about the narcolepsy paragraph. I had been battling with word perfect. I'd write narcolepsy and it insisted on writing narcoleptic. I looked up on dictionary.com and it is in fact, narcolepsy. I decided not to fuck with it. We are adults here. We're fully capable of putting two and two together without batting an eye.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-15 10:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well... I liked it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-15 09:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Liked it, but needs some polishing.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-04-15 09:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom, you're SO capable of doing so much better than this. The events weren't tied together well, the same thing happened several times, and the whole thing *didn't* happen all because of a broken comdom. Your syntax and diction sounded forced and didn't flow well at all, and your spelling and grammatical errors were just painful. You chose a really weird tense to write this in, and you slipped out of it a few times.
Or maybe I'm just bitter because I have three overdue papers that I have to write.
Seriously, you can do better than this. Don't post crap. It wastes everyone's time.
--------
Hint: One thing that I've heard is that after you've written something, read the whole thing out loud. You don't have to be in front of anyone when you do it, but listen to where the writing doesn't flow well. Read the whole thing over once without stopping. Then read it again, and pause and make little notes to tell yourself where it didn't flow and tripped your tounge/brain up a bit. Change those parts, and then repeat the process until it all flows and sounds right.
I suppose if you want to get really fancy you can do the whole thing *again*, in front of a person or two, and have them take notes about where things sounded off. But this is Ubersite, not a creative writing class, so you don't have to do all of that. If it helps you write in a less eye-gouging manner, though... Just a thought.
Submitted by Sarcasticus (user info) at 2005-04-15 09:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was pretty cool - like Magnolia "TO THE EXTREME!"
But the ending seemed rushed and needed more work...and the Cuba bit doesn't work at all.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-04-15 08:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This sucks. Not the post, but the fact that I'm not giving it a +2 because you are TOM. The Tom.
It isn't because I don't like you or anything, quite the opposite in fact. But this seemed a little rushed. There were the obvious things like "death Rowe," etc. that detracted from it, but those could have all been remedied by taking a little more time with the proofreading.
My main problem was that I just didn't find myself getting involved with any of the characters. Your treatment of them all was too brief, and I had a hard time remembering who was who as the story progressed so quickly.
I know this is Uber and that attention spans are short, but I think that if you had made this just a little bit longer it would have been much more effective. I don't know if there is enough here for a novel, but a longer treatment would have definitely helped.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-04-15 06:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
+1 for the post, was good to see hw it turned out.
however
-1 for the line including "bout of narcoleptic" this just makes you look like a numnor and another -1 for being like most yanks and not knowing much about the world outside your own country. euthanasia is ALREADY LEGAL in belgium and sweden under certain circumstances. circumstances into which your police office falls.
do a little more research, look past your own borders and then make this ito a novel. I'd read it.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-04-15 05:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-04-15 05:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the way you paced this. Very effective.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-04-15 05:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-15 04:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Confusing. If Juan killed Betty/Beth, how did they have another son afterwards?
death Rowe?
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-04-15 04:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Something in this story felt lacking... maybe it was the repititious events (2 people dying by getting hit by a car)... or how the ending which is seemingly supposed to tie everything nicely together really didn't.
What do I know, I'm no writer. I feel I'm embarrassing myself again. Go me.
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-04-15 04:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was quite amazing.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-15 04:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It might be the booze talking...and it probablu uis the booze talking . but if you ever needed anyone to take a bulllet fotr you, i would be there. ok? just tell me whern and i;mmm be there.
oka? ok buddy/
kthxbye
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-15 04:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of Amelie.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-04-15 03:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-15 03:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and one more since they don't have a +4. Not sure if it counts, but its here in spirit.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-04-15 03:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...there was something for everyone. Death, sex, traffic accidents, whores, teen angst, retards, love, loss, war, politics....
This is the best story ever written!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-15 03:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-15 03:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Would I be out of line to say B@W?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-04-15 02:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-15 02:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even know what to say.
Submitted by Suriyawong (user info) at 2005-04-15 02:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn... Damn... Yeah +2 all the way.
For the want of a nail, a kingdom was lost kind of things...
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-04-15 02:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
143
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-15 02:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
I love you Tommy