How The Hell Do I Get Out Of This One? (554807 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.81 on 167 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-09-15 18:37:01 EDT
I'm in a decent relationship right now. It's been two months and there have been no really big arguments. She scratches my head nonstop, gives me awesome massages, and even brings me food when I'm too worn out from work to go anywhere.
Since moving out on my own, she gave me even better advice on how to do my laundry than my grandmother did.
Flashback:
"Okay Justin, here's what grandma does.."
She then bends over to separate the clothes, accidentally farts but doesn't notice it.
"First, you do what my school did when I was a little one. You separate the whites from the colored."
Thanks racist grandma.
I don't get to see my girflriend too much because I work so many hours a week that it's almost impossible. That, mixed with her schedule, doesn't make for much time to see her. When I do find time to see her, I fly from work to her house going 90 in a 55 MPH zone.
That being said, Monday I was speeding to her house from work. I was on a local highway and about 5 minutes from her house when the blue lights blinded my eyes from my rear-view mirror. Damn, I've just been pulled over.
The officer walked up to my car, asked how I was doing, then the usual "license and registration, please". Nothing out of the ordinary.
I carry a gun for my profession and still had it strapped to my side, so I showed him my work ID and gun permit BEFORE whipping out the gun and saying:
"Here's my gun! I'm allowed to carry one!"
Phew, won't do that one again.
After looking over the permit, he eyeballed my crotch.
"I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car, sir. Keep your hands where I can see them."
Either he's a gay cop, or he has a problem with the gun.
I was asked to put my hands on the roof of the car. He pulled my 357 out of its holder.
"I'm going to hold onto this while I run your license, if you don't mind. You can step back into the car."
I got in and shut my door.
"So, Mr. Justin, why were you driving so fast?"
At this moment, my bullshit dispenser started cranking. I could afford another ticket, but would rather not deal with an increased insurance rate. I started spitting a line of total BS.
"Well sir, my job doesn't allow me to see my fiance very much. Since this is the first time in forever that I'm going to see her, I'm rushing to her house to pop the question. I apologize for speeding, I'm just so excited to see the look on her face when I ask her to marry me."
"Do you have a ring?"
"No sir, can't afford one."
"Ah, poor kid."
"I know. Could you do me a favor and write me a ticket? I'd like to look back on this night and laugh about the time I was pulled over and given a ticket the night I was rushing to propose to my wife."
The reason I asked him this is to make my story seem to check out. I'm calling his bluff, if you will.
"Haha, you kids. I'll tell you what-- I'll do you one better. I'll escort you over there through traffic if you're in that much of a rush. Wouldn't that be more of a story?"
Damnit. The guy's caught up in making a Kodak moment when all I want to do is get him off my back and eat tacos with my girlfriend... NOT propose. I've only known the girl for two months-- not exactly ready for the big commitment yet.
"Yes sir, I do believe it would."
After giving him her street name and address, he knew exactly where to go. Shit. I got in my car and followed him as his siren rang out. Traffic pulled to the side, peopled yielded at red lights, and cars stopped-- all so I could have tacos with my girlfriend.
After getting to her house, the officer stepped out of his car and knocked on her door. She opened it and stared at him, then me in a look of confusion.
"Hi, I pulled this gentleman over a few minutes ago because he was in a rush to get over here so fast. Justin? Would you like to take it from here?"
I looked at Courtney, then the officer, who wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I tried to take her inside, but the officer stood right there in the doorway to witness the event. The things I'd do to get out of a ticket.
"Courtney... I know I've only known you a short time. But, in that short time <insert romantic bullshit>... Will you marry me?"
She wouldn't say yes. She's younger than I am and always talked about how she wanted to date a guy forever until making a commitment.
''YES JUSTIN! I WILL MARRY YOU!"
The officer smiled and clapped as Courtney clamped her arms around my body. The neighbors, who had been wondering why a cop car with its lights on was outside her house cheered.
Courtney's parents called me and told me that they were proud that their daughter found such a nice guy.
Me? Well I got out of a ticket.
Fuck you. I'm engaged.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2010-08-04 08:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You, sir, have replaced carrot top as my new hero. I have many cop friends, and this is without doubt the best "get out of a ticket" story I've ever heard. Post pics of the wedding. Screw that, post pics of the honeymoon!
Submitted by fiona378 (user info) at 2010-08-01 15:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should post this rant on http://RantFoo.com if you want some good feedback and supportive advice. There are a lot of people experiencing the same problem on that site. Good luck!
Submitted by Tomorokoshi (user info) at 2010-07-13 03:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2010-03-31 08:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2010-03-18 20:30:28 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
THE PHANTOM OF THE UBER SHOWS UP AGAIN, ONLY TO DISAPPEAR INTO THE DARK ABYSS....
-----
No you fucking dont, get posting again.
Glad to hear things are going well.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2010-03-30 13:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At the moment, it's going very well.
Had a really bad rough patch last year. Divorce was filed for and we were both ready to move on with our lives living separately-- then somehow we reconciled and all is well again.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2010-03-18 18:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2010-03-18 13:30:28 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THE PHANTOM OF THE UBER SHOWS UP AGAIN, ONLY TO DISAPPEAR INTO THE DARK ABYSS....
-----
so, how's married life?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2010-03-18 16:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THE PHANTOM OF THE UBER SHOWS UP AGAIN, ONLY TO DISAPPEAR INTO THE DARK ABYSS....
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2010-03-14 01:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-12-03 04:48:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
REVIVAL
Dunno if you ever come back to this cesspit of a site Burns, but if so hope you and the wife are doing well.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-11-20 14:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were ghey...
Submitted by eye_on_my_nonothing (user info) at 2009-10-22 03:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why didn't she ask wtf the ring is...?
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-10-04 22:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Newborn alter below trying to make it look legit alert.
(Trust me I am one.) --- Saints 4-0!!! Bring it to the Dome, we'll get it on, then send you back home.) WHO DAT?!
Submitted by Fishcat (user info) at 2009-09-18 06:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the web we weave. ps Fungah, you really need to take your medication.
Submitted by THERAPlST (user info) at 2009-06-26 03:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sideburns ILY!
lolz
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2009-05-25 04:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Finally figured out how this got on most viewed. Stumbledupon.com
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-05-19 03:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by PurplePunk (user info) at 2009-05-19 02:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats >.<
hahahaha.
Submitted by Baxter (user info) at 2009-05-10 01:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure how I missed this either. I wonder if you got out of it alive? Still pissing myself.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-21 12:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure how I missed this.
Not sure I believe this.
Quite sure it entertained.
Submitted by beckig1983 (user info) at 2009-04-19 13:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-03-13 03:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2009-02-05 21:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't beleive this really happened... BUT It is a rather entertaining piece of fiction. have a +2
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2009-02-03 04:11:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read this till now, but fucking awesome.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-24 12:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
how did this piece of shit rocket up in hits like this?
Submitted by bromide (user info) at 2009-01-21 10:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2009-01-16 10:51:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-10 19:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You could start by coming out of the closet.
Submitted by GenifromMO (user info) at 2009-01-10 17:39:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been better if continued and saw that the cop was the girl's brother. I was expecting the cop to be in on the joke with the girl in some fashion.
Submitted by tHEbiGNOthINg (user info) at 2009-01-10 16:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hmmm, that is the most insane proposal story story that i've ever heard!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2009-01-07 18:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice story
where's the follow up
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-04 18:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
could be the best post I've seen here...
Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-08-10 02:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did you ever tell her what happened?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-08 22:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Naynay (user info) at 2006-06-11 05:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-02 10:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88684
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-01-04 01:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by concerthead (user info) at 2006-01-04 01:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaahahahahha! sucks for you dude! hey at leaswt you have on hell of a story now
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-11-13 06:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
always consistently awesome.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-11-09 15:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this true?!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 13:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you ever coming back Justin?
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2005-10-03 21:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for the laughs, not sure if it's true, but your screwed if it is and screwed if it isn't.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-10-02 05:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you sideburns!
not in a gay way... sorry I may like it in the pooper, I'm just afraid of pee pees.
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-09-29 16:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you invite the cop to the wedding?
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-09-28 10:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 You're fucked!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-09-28 01:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could swear Id seen this before, but what the hell, it kept me entertained.
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-09-24 20:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only way to get out of this is to cheat on her with a small mammal.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has just moved you to the "inside" position in my "spoon of trust" - enjoy!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pfs4life321 (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:46:56 (#)
Ranking: -1
however hard to believe this story was i still sat here and read it....i think a marriage can work between two people regardless the situation
-------------------------------------------------
I think your a fucking tool. How the fuck do can beleive that to be true?!
Submitted by pfs4life321 (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
however hard to believe this story was i still sat here and read it....i think a marriage can work between two people regardless the situation
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
even though I dont believe a word of this, I strongly believe that any two people can be married and live a happy life together.
Arranged marriages in muslim countries are more successful than American marriages.
But since youre a filthy liar, this doesnt matter to you. Yet.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with munkey on this one.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-09-20 12:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for putting me in a great mood. Damn this was funny!
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you get out of this one?
hmmm... You don't.
You live with your stupid mistake forever - don't even consider divorce, because you were soooooooooooooooooo stupid, you don't deserve it.
And you use it as an example on how not be be such a dumbass to the children you didn't want with this woman.
Submitted by DBecs (user info) at 2005-09-20 03:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should've just given the cop a quick handjob and you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
Submitted by lowrysm (user info) at 2005-09-20 01:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't someone tell me the new Mortal Kombat game was out?!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-20 00:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. Fucking. Awesome.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-09-19 12:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny situation, seen it in a short film about 4 years ago.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-19 12:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Send yourself dirty texts from a mates mobile. Change the name in your phone book to "Britney" or "Sharon" or something.
Or leave it blank... Yeah, leave it blank.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-19 04:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Amazing Race #6, you want more?, I can get them.
Still an OK story for a citizen who doesn't understand what happens to an officer if one
was ever stupid enough to try it, or God forbid, have either vehicle get into an accident
and loose the insurance for the city and/or county besides his job and the sure to follow
criminal complaint, and civil compliant against whatever assets he's amased or will ever
amass in his future back as a citizen.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-09-19 04:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q. "How the hell do I get out of this one?"
A. Cut it off.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2005-09-19 03:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hafguitarist6767 (user info) at 2005-09-19 00:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rating this was actually worht verifying my account (again)
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-09-19 00:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Having her mad at you for a day is much better than getting a ticket for 90 in a 55 zone. Just tell her what happened.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-09-19 00:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanibullshit....but funny nonetheless. Most guys would rather spend a few months in lockup than propose.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-09-18 21:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by BattlePope (user info) at 2005-09-18 19:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
obviously shenanigans... but the awesomeness is over the top!
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-09-18 15:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAHAHAHAHAAAA!
One of the first things I do with a lady when the relationship starts is tell her that when I say "Trust Me" and give her the look, to just go along with it and I'll explain later.
But it looks like you got sum splainin to do now.
Bang
Submitted by papaya_princess (user info) at 2005-09-18 14:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-18 08:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2005-09-17 21:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hooray for not getting a ticket
boo for being engaged
hooray for racist grandma!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-09-17 21:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You get your dick sucked first by squattail, one of those sly won't-run-it-by-you-first-but-whoops-I'm-gargling-your-chode-sucks, then again by Shlorty, one of those my-tiny-bulging-purple-steriod-dick-doesn't-work-but-I-suck-a-lot-of-truckers-suck. Lucky guy.
I reccomend you tell your "girl"friend you're a plagiarist and link her to your other posts. That'll scairt her.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-09-17 20:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A-HAHAHAHAHA - You're fucked
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2005-09-17 16:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose you have two choices:
1.) Get married. (It's not so bad..)
2.) Come clean over a plate of tacos.. and hope she'll stick around.
Other than that, good luck thinking of something.
Submitted by Olga (user info) at 2005-09-17 16:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I can say is: lol
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-16 19:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA,
Gotcha ya Bastard, you got that from:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75261
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-09-16 17:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go ahead, cite the source that I plagiarized from. I'm calling your bluff.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-16 14:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA! Way to go, Slick.
Submitted by notoriousbrett (user info) at 2005-09-16 14:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-16 13:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-09-16 13:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-16 12:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And here's another +2 for my gay reference.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To quote Hugh Grant in Notting Hill: whoopsiedaisies.
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congradulations? Not sure what to say here.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:24:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:53:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
Being married rocks. You get head on demand, your laundry done for you, your dinner cooked, all the X-Box time you want and someone to tidy up your mess. Or maybe that's just my husband....
--------------------------------
WHAT THE FUCK? I'm trading my wife for you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECOND THAT MOTION!!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:53:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
Being married rocks. You get head on demand, your laundry done for you, your dinner cooked, all the X-Box time you want and someone to tidy up your mess. Or maybe that's just my husband....
--------------------------------
WHAT THE FUCK? I'm trading my wife for you.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
EVERYTHING has been done in films Zombie Whilety, pull your head ou...actually don't.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls cause trouble
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:53:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
Being married rocks. You get head on demand, your laundry done for you, your dinner cooked, all the X-Box time you want and someone to tidy up your mess. Or maybe that's just my husband....
If you ever want to trade the old hubby in for a new, fresh model just holla and I'll be there in a heartbeat. And I can cook my own meals, freeing up more 'head on demand' time for both of us.
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, man.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my nigga.
i miss your shit broseph. where you been?
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<chuckle, snort>
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Richard_Whitely (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:07:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
plagarism, i saw this in a film, or something similar
Everything you ever wanted to know about Richard_Whitely
User id: 20495
Registered on or around: 2005-07-13 10:17:54
# Messages posted: 19
# Reviews written: 150
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 400
# Hits: 6888
Average rating of all messages: -0.21
Dick nose, if you're going to claim plagerism at least have the intelligence to cite a source or at the VERY FUCKING LEAST know what the media was. Dumb ass.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by resignator (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny....sorry bud.
Submitted by Red420007 (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure gold.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the excuse I am going to use to my friends when I get hitched. i think it would be a great story to tell at the wedding.
Submitted by Richard_Whitely (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
plagarism, i saw this in a film, or something similar
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-16 06:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA best story EVAR
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-16 06:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA HA. Good one.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-16 06:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-09-16 06:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
I'll be best man! Shamone!
Submitted by English_Matt (user info) at 2005-09-16 05:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo! read a lot of your stuff over the years, but finially i have an account to give you the +2 you deserve.
Funny reading always
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-09-16 05:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-16 05:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's funny, that's very funny. I expect to see this gag robbed by Hollywood in 3-6 months.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-16 04:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to God, I almost shat myself in empathy! Or maybe it was last nights Guinness. Either way, good story!
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-09-16 04:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-16 04:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't give a hoot whether this is true or not.
Plus 2 for a good story.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-09-16 04:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude. you are totally fucked.
try and tell her it was to get out of a ticket and shes history.
try and play it off and you get hitched way to soon.
my advice.
get a kitty.
it may not help, but at least you have saved a cat from the streets.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-09-16 03:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god...
Where have you been boy? You've been busy by the sound of it.
Submitted by wazron (user info) at 2005-09-16 03:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhhhh that's a good 'un.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-09-16 03:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me laugh out loud at work. And yes I got eyeballed...Great
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-16 03:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this would be heaps better if it was true.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Being married rocks. You get head on demand, your laundry done for you, your dinner cooked, all the X-Box time you want and someone to tidy up your mess. Or maybe that's just my husband....
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me? Well I got out of a ticket.
Fuck you. I'm engaged
-------------------------------------
Cool stuff , thoselines alone where enough to give you a +2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-16 02:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more shlongy as well!
Submitted by BruceDickinson (user info) at 2005-09-16 01:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could've used a little more cowbell.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-09-16 00:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How do you get out of it?
"Courtney.....YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!!!"
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-09-16 00:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
B@W
Submitted by rick_the_stud (user info) at 2005-09-16 00:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well holy shit.
that's hilarious.
(oh, and i find the veracity of your tale highly doubtful.)
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-09-15 22:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard alot of stories when I was a cop...but quite never one like that...I did have a guy tell me that he had diarrhea and was speeding to a toilet though...thats kinda the same.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-09-15 22:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story! Hell, even got a +2 from Schlongy.
Squattailfuckface is a putz.
Submitted by KnightsWhoSayNi (user info) at 2005-09-15 22:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly, 95% of everything on Uber doesn't even make me crack a smile, but this story seriously made me laugh my ass off!
This post deserves no less than a +2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-09-15 22:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Squattie will *always* click on my posts. Always.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-09-15 22:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations!
hahaha
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-15 22:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story...'d she give it up yet?
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-09-15 21:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't believe you.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-15 21:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-I got in my car and followed him as his siren rang out. Traffic pulled to the side, peopled yielded at red lights, and cars stopped-- all so I could have tacos with my girlfriend.-
Shennannies or not, this was funny as hell.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-09-15 21:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenanigans.
But if not, let's throw you an Uber-bachelor party.
Submitted by Darshiscool (user info) at 2005-09-15 21:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah buddy you're uberfucked
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-09-15 21:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-09-15 21:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On the plus side, 20 years down the line, you'll have a great story to tell your children.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss these kinds of posts.
By "these kinds of posts", I mean "good ones".
Uber is a fucking toilet bowl these days.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed out loud
Submitted by Bornloser (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because Grandma is a racist.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're fucked.
Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, as per usual.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
story about a farting, racist stereotypical grandma with twists at every corner, strikingly similar to about 30 other posts you've already written about old relatives? This post has it all. And by "has it all" I mean "is a standard piece of sideburns shit".
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what?
I bet he called your bluff.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-09-15 20:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just don't set a date, ever.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit.
go for a long engagement.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is definitely one of the coolest stories ever.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Be subtle. Leave the post pulled up on her computer, but minimize the window until you make your escape. You don't want to humiliate the girl.
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe it, but still completely awesome.
Submitted by randomgirl (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any Sideburns post gets a +2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hashahahahahaa
Brilliant.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmm.... This makes me realize I need to go back and read your other works.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AND her brother....errr, mother...I meant mother
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
with HER sister.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get caught cheating
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THATS PRETTY BOSH, DUDE.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
pwned
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MARRIAGE IS FOR SUCKERS!!!
sucker.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit.
You should write for a TV show, or start up a new one
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Does she have a sister?
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story, but definitely not true
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could always play the "fuck you, we're through" card if you can't think of anything better...
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"First, you do what my school did when I was a little one. You separate the whites from the colored."
I knew there was a reason I love visiting Uber.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would add an FTA to your next scheduled appointment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha well done. Good to see you back Burnsie.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know that .357 on your hip?
USE IT
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Shit Justin, I hope this is shenanigans!!
If not.....congratulations???
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha. I've missed your stories.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.