Job Interview: The Hook-Up (841 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.81 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <suburbanator350.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-11-30 01:00:18 EST
"Dude, sorry to hear you lost your truck driving job," Stones said over the cell phone.
"Yeah, biggest pisser is that I really don't have a place to go."
"Where you at? I'll come get you. I know somebody who could put you to work."
"Doing what?"
"Odd jobs that can utilize your skills. Dress appropriately and, uh, bring a roscoe."
This worried me; my skills consist of driving anything that has two or more wheels, shooting things, operating heavy equipment, and telling very bad jokes. No combination of these makes for any kind of a good job. Well, I can ski and play soccer pretty well, but are these really the type of skills a prospective employer might look for? Not unless they are Peekaboo Street or Pele.
Bring a roscoe? What the hell kind of work did he have in mind?
And 'Bring a roscoe?' What nineteen thirties mobster movie was he living in?
Unfortunately the smallest "roscoe" I had at my disposal is my Uzi. I swapped out the sixteen-inch barrel for the nine inch barrel and loaded in a thirty-two round magazine, packing another two in my jacket pocket.
Now as for dressing appropriately, I figured this wasn't your typical job interview, so a suit was out of the question.
I heard the jingling of a collar and looked up from my wardrobe as Bob walked in the room. (Yeah, my dog's name is Bob, and what of it? She won't answer to anything else and she doesn't seem to mind the name.) This was good, because she is a good listener and offers her opinion when needed, like what I'm going to wear at certain times. That dog has saved me from many a fashion faux pa on first dates.
I tried on a pair of jeans with a knit polo. Bob and I both thought this was fine, but the jeans were a little tight; it couldn't have been because of all the healthy truck stop food, so they seemed to have shrunk in the closet. Tight jeans can be a bit uncomfortable.
Next I tried my sweats, but they are a little too relaxed and well, the problem I've always found is that while I'm wearing sweats, and a pretty girl walks by, everybody can tell I like her. I tend to, ah, point.
Bob looked at me funny with my next outfit. Real funny. I agreed with her. The flowery white dress was a just wrong for so many reasons, like first off, I am a guy, secondly a light-weight, flowey dress before Memorial Day? What the Hell was I thinking?
Plus the under-wire from the bra was digging into my sides and the pantyhose itched my legs.
Then the thought occurred to me that a guy walking around in a dress might be a bit more intimidating. If he's got the cajones to wear a dress, you might not want to mess with him. Then, thankfully, I thought better of it.
I finally decided on a pair of black fatigue trousers with Hi-Tech Trooper boots and an Iron Maiden T-shirt. I fixed the sling on the Uzi and slung it inside the left side of my jacket, ready for easy draw. I also strapped my custom seven-inch Ka-Bar to my belt, "just-in-case." I also brought along my small back pack, loading it with a couple of Lemon-Lime Gator-Aids, some Corn-Nuts and a few C.D.s with my potable MP3 player. I wasn't sure what to expect with Stones, I might be doing some waiting.
Stones came by and picked me up in one of his many rides. As much as I despise using the term, Stones' ride is more "bling-bling" than anything you'd find in L.A. or New York. A new Cadillac Avalanche thing. What the Hell was Caddy thinking with this vehicle anyway? Who was their target consumer? Stones' version came with thirty inch spinning rims on twenty-eight inch tires. Everything trimmed in silver chrome. It even has hydraulics on each corner to make it "dance." Basically what the "boyz-n-tha-hood" might have you think is the standard equipment. Now what is really screwy with Stones, and what seems to mess with said "Boyz-n-da-hood," is that he blares country music through his 2000 watt stereo system.
"Dude, how can you stand to listen to this lame-assed country morning show? Who the hell calls themselves 'Mud-flap?'"
"What? They're funny."
"I'll show you funny," I said. I turned the stereo over to one of Denver's classic rock stations, "Lewis and Floorwax, now these guys are funny."
"Yeah, and who the hell calls themselves 'Floorwax.' Far lamer than 'Mud-flap."
"Dude, you don't knock on Floorwax that way. Man, that's just something you don't come back from, I mean c'mon, listen to the guy, he's hilarious.
"And how can you stand to listen to this craptacular so-called 'music?' And I use the term 'music' very loosely, as a kinda-sorta-but-not-really musician, I find Country an insult to the rest of the music industry. No feeling, no depth, no complexity, nothing but pure crap with a twang and steel guitar."
"Oh, and that 'kill your mother,' 'burn in hell' stuff is better?"
"Man, that is such a stupid stereotype of metal. Think about this; Charlie Daniels Band has a song called 'Devil went Down to Georgia,' right?"
"Yeah, but that song isn't Satanic like your stuff."
"To Hell it isn't. If anything, that song is more Satanic than anything my metal bands ever put out. The song is about a guy who makes a deal with the devil. Actually confronts him and makes a deal. And if that wasn't bad enough, they had to go and make a sequel to the song, more devil dealings." I love getting into this conversation with country loving idiots; they get so excited and defensive about it.
"But he kicks the Devil's but in the fiddle contest! Proving that good is better than evil!"
"That's not the point though now is it, the fact is he makes a deal with the Devil. And weather he beats the Devil is open to interpretation, most people I've talked to say the Devil's fiddle playing is far better."
Stones made a face
"And what about Reba?" I asked.
"Don't go knockin' Reba, now, that's treading on thin ice there."
"Oh, what about the song 'Fancy'? Some lady takes her daughter, dresses her up and tells her to go prostitute herself for money, yeah, there's some real high morals there."
This is my favorite part of this argument, when the country fan gets all red in the face.
"That's not the point of the song!" Stones' voice was extra high at this point, and some kind of vein was bulging in his neck.
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-18 19:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
based on others in the series...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-11-30 16:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i was all excited to hear about the sweet uzi-wielding job, but then you go and talk about music. i don't get it.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-11-30 08:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 My cat's called Bob. He is a dude though.
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-11-30 08:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-30 08:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-11-30 08:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't leave a girl hangin' now.
(I'm actually a boy, but I like to dress up in womens clothes)
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-11-30 07:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Otto! Whats shakin you crazy Jarhead? Are you back in the area? We need to go shooting. Drop me a line, and check out my new website - www.trailerparkdream.com
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-11-30 04:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i woulda shot the guy on premise of listening to country music without a licence... (licence, aka John Deer hat) but, now i'm interested... part deux in the works?
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-11-30 02:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um, good story, but how 'bout some closure next time... I mean, did you get the job, what was the job...
Sweet jeebus man, inquiring minds need to know.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob....Ha.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-11-30 01:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
secondly a light-weight, flowey dress before Memorial Day? What the Hell was I thinking?
*******
Haha. I can't take country music either.