Blue Balls Episode IV: The Penis Dialogues (5249 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.97 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2006-05-01 00:45:48 EDT
PENIS: Um....what are you doing?
ME: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting some lotion
PENIS: Right.....Um....you know, that stuff is for external use only?
ME: Duh
PENIS: So why are you getting the lotion out?
ME: I thought you preferred lotion.
PENIS: Well....I usually do, but only because you've got scary fuckin' calloused hands
ME: Well...you want pussy. Muscles help get pussy. Muscles require weight-lifting. Weight-lifting give me calloused hands. So I'm really doing it for you.
PENIS: Granted....but that is exactly my point. Pussy is in that other room over there...and you're in the bathroom getting hand lotion. So...why are you getting the hand-lotion?
ME: Because that isn't pussy in there, that's my girlfriend.
PENIS:......
PENIS: Your what?
ME: My girlfriend.
PENIS: What's that?
ME: A long-term investment
PENIS: I don't do long-term
ME: No shit. You're quite famous on ubersite for that, actually.
PENIS: Fuck you!
ME: FUCK YOU!
PENIS: ...Touche.
......
PENIS: So..uh...how does this girlfriend thing work? Is this like an overnight sweep account, or like a 3-month T-bill
BALLS: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WE'RE BOTH DYING HERE, AND YOU'RE TALKING FINANCE?! YOU'RE BOTH FUCKIN' SQUARE! NO WONDER YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY PUSSY
PENIS & ME: SHUTUP!
BALLS: <grumble grumble>
PENIS: You see what I have to put up with here?
ME: Fucking testicles and their Jedi-mind tricks.
PENIS: Yeah, I mean....wait....Jedi what?
ME: Jedi-mind tricks. You know, when its been a while, and there's some second-rate chick offering free pussy, and I'm like, "NO WAY!" and BALLS wave their hands and are like, "These are the bitches you are looking for. You will fuck these bitches." And it almost works, but then I come back to the light, whip you out, and afterwards we're lucid and are both like, "yeah, man. I don't know what BALLS were thinking, trying to plant their seed in those bitches. They're fuckin' Ho's"
PENIS: <YAAAAWN> Yeah....goodtimes....goodtimes.
ME: HEY! Don't fall asleep on me, I just got the lotion out
PENIS: Okay. 1. You're trying to use logic and Star Wars analogies to seduce me. 2. You're talking to me at all, and that's just fucking weird. And 3. THERE'S A HOT FUCKING BITCH IN THE NEXT ROOM THAT IS ANYTHING BUT SECOND-RATE!
ME: Dude, don't call my girlfriend a bitch.
BALLS: THEY ALL FUCKING BITCHES!
ME & PENIS: SHUTUP!
PENIS: They do have a point, though. If hers is so great, why don't you find a big stick and marry the bitch?
ME: Alright. Let me try to explain it to you. You know that feeling when you're almost there and can't stand it any longer, but at the same time, you don't want it to stop?
PENIS: Yeah.....I'm a fuckin' cock. I wrote that book, genius.
ME: Right...well...That is how I feel about her. All the time. Every waking moment. It is the greatest high in the world and is almost unbearable, but at the same time, I never want it to stop.
PROSTASTE: <sniff> That's beautiful, man.
BALLS: ALL, DON'T LISTEN TO THAT FUCKIN' DOUCHE! WE KNOW YOU ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO HIM WHEN YOU'RE MAD AT US! GIVE US SOME LOVE! WE NEED SOME FUCKING ACTION!
ME & PENIS & PROSTATE: SHUTUP!
PENIS: Don't listen to them, PROSTATE. You know I love you. Especially when Jon breaks out the-
ME: HEY, HEY, HEY! Let's keep the post clean. They don't need to know about that.
PENIS: Right. Whatever. Anyway, PROSTATE, I didn't realize you were listening. What's your take on this?
PROSTATE: Well, I know this. The average bitch is going to stay the hell away from me. Usually, the only bitches that are into me are guys, or skanky ho's with chlamydia. And that shit is everywhere. I don't think any of us want that.
ALL: <SHUDDER>
PROSTATE: (On the other hand, a girl that is really into Jon...I mean really loves Jon...she'll pay attention to all of us. Jon, you, BALLS, and even TAINT
TAINT: <SNIFF> Can't we all just get along?
ME, PENIS, & BALLS: <Nodding in agreement>
PROSTATE: So, if Jon thinks this is love, and we all have the chance to be happy...in the long run...isn't that worth the sacrifice
ME, PENIS, & TAINT: YES!
BALLS: <grumble grumble>
ME: I really like this girl. Mabye, in a while...she might be willing to give you a lick once in a while
BALLS: Really?
ME: Really. You too, taint.
TAINT: <squeals in delight>
PROSTATE: Listen to Jon. After all, he has the biggest brain out of all of us.
PENIS: Except on Tuesdays.
PROSTATE: Except on Tuesdays
PENIS: Gilmore Girls is on Tuesdays
PROSTATE: Yes, PENIS. We know.
BALLS: ALEXIS BLEDEL IS FUCKING HOT!
PROSTATE: Yes, BALLS, we know.
ME: um....I don't even like the show, I just put it on for you guys....
PENIS: YOUR FULL OF SHIT
ME:.......
PENIS: Sorry
BALLS: hehe
ME: What, you two aren't angry anymore?
BALLS:....meh...it's hard to argue with PROSTATE. Fuckin' pain in the ass.
ME: Heh....Yeah he is.....So....we cool?
BALLS: <sigh> we cool.
ME: Awesome. Alright, PENIS, you ready to go?
PENIS: Sigh. Alright. Just don't be stingy on the lotion
PROSTATE: Yeah, I hate when you go stingy on the lotion
ME: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT!
TAINT: Thank you, PROSTATE, you are always the voice of reason.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But that wasn't really the end of the story. BALLS never was really cool with the idea. They didn't understand finance. They didn't understand reason. All they knew was lust, but they were denied lust. So that lust was buried, and turned into anger. And that anger turned to hate, and hate to the dark side.
Stay tuned for:
Episode VI: Return of the One-Eye
Jonukah has returned to auto-erotic activities in an attempt to release his sperm from the clutches of the vile BLUE-BALLS.
Little does Jonukah know that the BALLS have secretly begun construction on a new tumor even more powerful than the first dreaded KIDNEY STONE
When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom to the small band of heroes struggling to restore freedom to the gonads.
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I was going to go all-out for this post and use MSPAINT to create a JPEG for prologue to Episode VI...but I'm lazy, and Gilmore Girls is on. So, here is a picture of Alexis Bledel
User Reviews
Submitted by Shallabow (user info) at 2008-08-22 01:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. That is all.
Submitted by UCSBguy (user info) at 2008-08-22 01:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius, Genius I SAY!!
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-08-21 22:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kinda like the situation like im in...
lawlz
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-19 16:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should come back.
please?
Submitted by iacobus (user info) at 2008-02-08 17:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nyrea (user info) at 2007-12-30 01:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-05 21:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-20 15:03:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-08-23 02:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ahdragos (user info) at 2006-08-19 14:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ME: I really like this girl. Mabye, in a while...she might be willing to give you a lick once in a while
BALLS: Really?
ME: Really. You too, taint.
TAINT: <squeals in delight>
-------------------------------
PROSTATE: Yeah, I hate when you go stingy on the lotion
ME: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT!
-------------------------------
I....fucking love you.
Submitted by swedish_pump (user info) at 2006-06-07 12:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Smiled.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-05-19 03:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-05-19 02:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another classic!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-05-04 20:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2006-05-03 03:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classy
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-05-02 08:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There must be some mistake. She still has all of her clothes on in that picture.
Submitted by lordofthepost (user info) at 2006-05-02 02:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another Classic...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-05-01 22:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-01 13:49:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love a good story in which someone is speaking to their naughty parts.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-05-01 19:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We likes.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-01 17:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-05-01 16:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-05-01 14:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-01 14:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"TAINT: <squeals in delight>"
*sniff sniff*
WHO FARTED?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-01 13:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love a good story in which someone is speaking to their naughty parts.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-01 12:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-01 12:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't read it but i'd throw it in rory anyday.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-05-01 11:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-05-01 11:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And yet another one returns from obscurity...
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-05-01 11:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew there was a reason I loved you.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-05-01 10:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ME, PENIS, & BALLS: <Nodding in agreement>
-------------------
Visualizing your balls nodding gave me the gigglefits.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-05-01 10:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's some primo grade shit you got there
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-01 09:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weet h
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2006-05-01 08:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damnit! This was supposed to be Episode V. Stupid typos. Meh...that's what I get for writing this shit at 3:00 am.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-05-01 08:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PROSTASTE: <sniff> That's beautiful, man.
BALLS: ALL, DON'T LISTEN TO THAT FUCKIN' DOUCHE! WE KNOW YOU ONLY PAY ATTENTION TO HIM WHEN YOU'RE MAD AT US!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-01 06:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im pretty sure that I was doing things in the other room while you were asleeping.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-05-01 06:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-05-01 05:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome, and I am ess2s2.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-05-01 02:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-01 02:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-05-01 02:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-05-01 01:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you used "squeal". I fucking love that word.
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-05-01 01:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because VI comes after IV