Philosophical Allegory of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (832 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CATAL (View user info) at 2006-06-22 04:23:23 EDT
Hello, my name is Patrick and I'd just like to talk to you about my faith. I belong to the Church of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Latter Day Saints.
Did you know that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was not just a comic that spawned cartoon shows, movies, merchandise and the like?
Yes, it's true.
The story of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is actually a philosophical allegory on which our faith is based upon.
You see, it all started with the Ooze, which turned Splinter and the Turtles into the mutants that they are.
In my religion we believe that God secreted his Ooze down upon a select few individuals, who would rise up and show us the path, out of the Sewers of human misery and corruption.
Splinter is our messiah, our chosen one, the one who is to show us the light and to train us for our eventual congregation with out fellow ninja turtles in the great Pizzeria of Paradise.
Pizza you see, is a holy sacrament. Pizza is the holiest of foods, and unlike other religions where such sacraments are saved for special occasions, we believe pizza should be consumed as much as desired and in some cases as much as possible or even for every meal, eating no other food other than pizza.
Pizza of course comes in many different shapes, sizes, styles and such, much like all people come in different shapes and sizes. Some pizzas have cheddar cheese, some mozzarella, so have thick crusts, some thin, some have anchovies, some just pepperoni, some are calzones or pizza pockets, some are served on bagels, some have triangular slices while others have square slices.
The many forms of pizza represent the many forms of humanity. Black, white, red, yellow, brown, there is a pizza for everybody!
There are those however, who choose not the way of pizza and the mutant ninja. These are the foot soldiers, followers of the evil Shredder. An appropriate equivalent of Shredder would be Satan in the Catholic religion.
Shredder you see, is evil and represents tyranny and oppression. He cares nothing for you but twists your mind in order to further his own plans and agenda to destroy Splinter and the Turtles so we the people have no Saints or Saviors to follow and show us the way of the mutant ninja.
As I said, Splinter is our Savior, the messiah. He was mutated by God to train the turtles, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael, the Saints of our religion.
The turtles are the Holy Warriors who strive against the evil tyranny of the Shredder and the Foot Clan. We must be wary of those who count themselves among the Foot Clan, they are not lost, but must be shown the light.
Bebop and Rocksteady, however, are Shredder's evil demons, incapable of being saved and exist only to serve the Shredder.
Each turtle though, represents a different facet of the faith.
Leonardo is honor, justice, and brotherhood. He strives to lead us into the right and punish those who do evil and help the impoverished, the sick, and the needy. He forgives those who beg forgiveness and aids them on the path to righteousness.
Donatello represents intellect and ingenuity. He uses his mind and his skills to help himself and his brothers. He understands and appreciates both art and science so as to further the culture of society.
Michelangelo represents the fun loving aspect of humanity. We must give attention to time for fun and relaxation and enjoying life. What point is there to life if we never spend time to simply enjoy it?
Finally, Raphael represents both independence and rebellion. He learns to support himself and take care of his own affairs without relying too heavily on others. This is not to say that one should never ask for assistance, but merely that one should attempt to conquer one's own problems alone, at first at least. Rebellion too, is a necessary part of society. We must not blindly accept the so-called "realities" of life. We must question, change, and rebel from time to time. The world is constantly revolving and evolving, so must we with it.
We the people may come to be any number of people, but there are three main categories. One, we could be of the Foot Clan, those who choose to do evil and follow the Shredder. Two, we could be the common people, those undecided, neither corrupted nor saved. Or three, we could be April O'Neal, the saved. As April, the saved choose to follow the ways of Splinter and the Ninja Turtles. We align ourselves with good and justice and pizza. We have seen the light and will be rewarded in the afterlife in the great Pizzeria of Paradise where every gooey, cheesy bite is ecstasy and where choirs of Mutant Ninja Angel Turtles sing "Cowabunga!"
I hope our talk today has helped you see the light, thank you for your time, sirs and madams. I bid you Cowabunga and may pizza be with you.
User Reviews
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-07-10 02:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i've been on pulseHEAD
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-06 20:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where have you been anyway?
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2006-07-06 20:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har and yes vitokovich was, i didn't mention you for the sake of convenience and because you don't matter
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-06-23 02:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i totally met them when i went to disneyland..they were my idols
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-06-23 01:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That video game, much like golden axe (which by the way, how do you say that? Is it "Ax" or "Aches"?) required only 2 things. a fast attack hand, and roughly $13 worth of quarters.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2006-06-22 14:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange, I tried telling these same theories to my co-workers but I was shunned and now I don't have a job.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-06-22 12:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bid you Cowabunga
HA!
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent article. I loved it.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 Ninja Turtles! I never even knew there were comic books. I'm ashamed to admit this but....
...I had a crush on Raphael when I was in preschool. I was a strange kid. Meh, at least I wasn't one of those kids who threw their turtle in the sewer or tried to flush it down the toilet so it could become a ninja turtle. Remember the kid who cut his turtle into bits and pieces so it'd fit down the toilet? Fucking creepy little bastard.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-06-22 11:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've played that game once or 9438296 hundred times.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-06-22 10:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh how I miss that arcade game...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as a kid, i actually thought the ninja turtles lived in the sewers
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-22 09:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-22 06:45:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
the turtles were worthless "dudebro" stoners
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-06-22 08:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
From the reviews this seems to be a good post. But I couldn't get past the 3rd paragraph. Perhaps because I was never all that into the turtles. For someone who is into that, I'm sure they'd enjoy this post.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-06-22 06:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the turtles were worthless "dudebro" stoners
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-06-22 05:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-06-22 05:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"We align ourselves with good and justice and pizza."
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-06-22 05:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was a member of: Church of Crusader Rabbit(CCR), but it died, of old age, in the 60's
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-06-22 05:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, smashing, super.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-22 04:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah Splinter-San. He is a radical rat.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-06-22 04:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The sad thing is; it's entirly possible there's a cult like this somewhere in the states.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-06-22 04:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The sad thing is; it's entirly possible there's a cult like this somewhere in the states.
You think too much.