Between Enemies (1224 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 1.5 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2006-10-10 06:29:06 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
There I stood in the middle of the next generation's World War III. I tried to calm the man to my left.
"Colonel, it was an accident. He's apologized several times over and I believe he's being sincere. You don't want to do this."
"Sir," he said calmly, "where I come from, an act of this magnitude cannot be resolved with a mere apology. Look at the expression on his face. Does he look apologetic to you?"
The man he was referencing stood silently, a cold smile stretched across his face.
"I'm telling you, this was an innocent misunderstanding. Think of how far we've come! The future of the world, the future of our children is at stake."
"Son, do you know what our children's lives would be like in a world where this clown was in charge? Do you?"
"No sir, I don't."
"Greasy and fat. There's nothing healthy about those burgers. There's not one vitamin, not one single nutrient in a quarter pounder and do you know how much fat is in there? Forty grams! Forty grams of fat in one sandwich. That's preposterous!"
"Sir, you have to admit that fried chicken isn't the healthiest option out there."
"I do say, fried chicken may be less healthy than a carrot stick, but you would need to eat five drumsticks to equal the amount of fat in a single quarter pounder. Have you ever eaten five drumsticks in one sitting? Now don't answer that, I know you haven't, and if you have, you knew what you were getting into."
"True."
"You uh, you haven't eaten five drumsticks in one sitting, have you?"
"No sir."
"Good, I knew it."
"Still, I have to say, I don't see how you can argue that people who eat too much fat at KFC know what they are getting into while people who do the same at McDonald's are somehow victimized."
"Son, have you ever seen a KFC commercial on television?"
"Yes, of course, I'd have to be blind not to have seen one."
"How many clowns are selling my Original Recipe chicken?"
"None, sir."
"How many playgrounds are there at KFC restaurants?"
"None, sir."
"How many cobranded Disney cartoon movie toys does KFC give away on a daily basis?"
"Well that's not really fair sir. Legal was never able to sign the deal to..."
"Just answer my question!"
"None, sir."
"That is correct. He is advertising during children's television shows, luring them into his restaurants with Happy Meals and free toys based on their favorite Disney movies, fattening them up with greasy burgers and french fries, and thereby leading them into a sedentary life style that will encourage them to watch more television, see more advertisements, and so on and so forth. You see, it's not a voluntary choice when it's ingrained in your subconscious from childhood on."
"But sir, aren't those the same tactics you have been trying only less successfully?"
"Son, this dialogue is getting us nowhere. The gauntlet has been thrown. The war has begun. There can be only one. Unless you're talking about my formula of herbs and spices in which cases there are eleven."
With that, the colonel raised his katana, holding it two handed in front of his body, staring at Ronald McDonald.
The clown took one step towards the colonel and the paused. He reached into his oversized yellow pocket, pulled out a Little Mermaid Ariel Necklace and a Lego Bionicles Reidak, and then raised them above his head and yelled "I'm Llllllovin' It!!"
Within moments, a crowd comprised half of fat six year old boys and half of fat six year girls rushed the clown and began running around him in circles, glistening salt covered hands reached towards the toys, and providing an inpenetrable protective shield against the colonel.
Once the shield was in place, the clown found the slowest fat boy and the beefiest fat girl, grabbed them with his free glove covered hand, and ripped the souls straight from their bodies. The children's souls were them forged into what looked like a sugary orange sword. The children's lifeless bodies were dragged away by immigrant laborers and returned to seats in front of a nearby television displaying a looped copy of Bambi 2.
"Damn that clown!" the colonel said angrily. "What did I tell you? Orange drink is children! We've got to stop him somehow!"
The colonel led with a handful of Original Spices to the eyes. The clown responded with a barrage of ketchup packets and soft serve ice cream.
The colonel and the clown began exchanging swings of their weapons. They parried back and forth with neither gaining any ground. The colonel tried to take a swing at the Happy Meal toys, but inadvertantly stepped on a green plastic ball pit ball that had fallen from the clown's fiery red hair.
Having gained the upper hand, Ronald dismissed his child shield, moved next to the colonel, and then standing sugary orange sword in hand said, "There can be only one." The clown stretched back and swung his sword of children's souls at the colonel's neck.
With the fate of the world at hand, the colonel lept out of the clown's reach into a nearby salad bar. Using the only thing available to him, he temporarily blinded the clown with a plastic spoonful of ranch dressing to the eye. He then reached under the sneeze guard, grabbed a piece of broccoli, and threw it at the clown.
When the broccoli hit the clown in the shoulder, the contacted piece of clown suit dissipated into dust and the flesh beneath ruptured and splattered. The clown stopped motionless and howled in pain.
"I've got you now, Bozo," the colonel said. He reached for more broccoli and threw it. Each piece that made contact created a splatter of melted clown flesh and more agonizing screams.
With the tray of broccoli exhausted and the clown kneeling and unable to defend himself, the colonel grabbed his katana from where it had fallen, raised it above his head, and swung at the clown's neck.
The clown's head fell to the ground. The colonel held the sword in the air and exclaimed, "The war is over. I have won. There is hope that the future world will be a free world".
Licking the melted clown flesh off his lip he continued, "And it tastes like chicken".
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-14 16:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why, but this made me laugh out loud.
"Orange drink is children!"
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-06-05 12:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1